Running to your arms!

As I was singing during worship this past weekend, some lyrics to a song really resonated with me.  The words are simply "Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your grace will always be enough.  Nothing compares with your embrace.  Light of the world forever reign."

First, I just love this song.  The words paint a beautiful picture.  I liken it to when Jason comes home from a long deployment, or truthfully, sometimes even after being gone just a few weeks at sea, but EVERYTHING in me lights up when I see his face!  I'm just so thankful to have him home and our children are so thankful to have him home.  You may know the feeling I am talking about, you see them and your whole body lets out this joyful sigh, your pulse gets a little faster, your heart feels full to bursting and you don't know if you want to laugh or cry or both.  It's an intense rush of emotion.  And you know in a minute you are going to have his arms wrapped around you and the feeling of being safe and protected and LOVED will slide back into place.

So when I sing this song, I often see the image of a little girl running to her dad as he returns home from war.  Long hair flying in the breeze, swishy skirts moving as she runs forward and then the ultimate moment when her daddy picks her up and they hug and twirl around in circles, laughing and crying and being joyful of being together.  This is be what God wants for us and He can be there always.  We can always run to Him, we don't have to wait. 

For any of you who have been to a homecoming, you also see the little girls and boys, who hang back, shy and uncomfortable from the one who loves them and knows them so well.  The disconnection, the fear, the hiding.  I have a tendency to be this girl.  Oh, how every part of me wants to run with joy and abandon to God, but I stick close to what I know, even though stepping forward would be better.  I feel shy and often, ashamed,  and think He will feel that way about me too.  But that just isn't the truth.  And we have to stop believing it.  

He delights in us.  We just have to be wildly courageous for one second and take that first step, then we will be running for all we're worth to the one who loves us and knows our worth.   Who will gather us in His embrace where, even if  it feels like the world is falling apart, we will be loved and whole.  Wholly loved, wholly adored, wholly worthy.  Wholly delightful. 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Grief is the price of Love.

My heart breaks over and over again.  My brain tells me that I can't handle more news.  No more school shootings, no more plane crashes, no more tragedy.  It makes me want scream and rant and cry and hide and weep and wail.  I cannot understand the world in which we live. 

I cannot hold all the heartache that is in the world.  It is overwhelming.  It is terrifying.  It is sad. It is. 

We live in a world where we can "understand" when bad things happen to bad people, we kind of buy into karma at that point.  Bad choices equal bad consequences, so we can understand that.  But we fall every time to the WHY when bad things happen to good people, innocent people, people who are trying to make the world a better place.  We can't fathom the why. 

I've spent years on my own particular why.  Years. 

My child died. 

That's as stark of a reality as you can get.  It's my reality.  I cannot escape the truth of those words.  I cannot pretend it didn't happen, I cannot deny that it happened, I cannot wish it away.

In the same way we cannot pretend or deny or wish away the tragedy that is in our world.  We cannot strong arm our values onto others.  We cannot leave behind our values and use tragedy as the excuse.  We can only try and be more like Jesus.  More kind.  More compassionate.  More humble.  More loving.  More helpful.  More patient.  More Self controlled.  And let's be less judging.  Less having to be right.  Less harsh. Less angry.  Less self serving.

I'm just like you, I can't figure out this craziness that is in our world.  I can't figure out the why's.  I was once asked "If you knew why, would it change your grief?"  And the answer was no.  Even knowing why bad things happen does not change the sadness in our hearts, for grief is the price of love. 

So today I cling to the word of God  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2  You guys- WE WILL FEEL THE WATER!  WE WILL FEEL THE HEAT!  There is no escaping that.  We can rest assured in our faith that God will be with us.  In these moments of tragedy, we can turn to him.  We can cry, and rant and ask God why.  He can take it.  And then when our emotion is spent, He will gather us close to him and give us His joy and His peace and His rest.  He will remind of His Victory and His promise to us  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev 21:4 

I don't know when that glorious day will be, so for now I take my grief, my anger, my inability to understand WHY to him.  I may never receive any why's, but I know I will receive compassion that includes peace, that passes all understanding, love and joy.

Qualified

Have you ever wanted something so badly but felt it was out of reach?  Or impossible for you to attain?  Unrealistic?  Or that you weren't capable? And so on and so forth?

I stepped out into a ministry at church this year that I believe strongly in.  I love it and I have fun and yet sometimes I think, "if they only knew...what I was thinking...what I have done...the things I have said..."  Quite honestly, I often feel like an imposter.  How can I, Trish Perry, possibly show God's love and Grace to other people?  I am afraid that I will go along just being me and screw it up.  Then people will say "Can you believe her?" 

I long to be a valuable part of a team that makes a safe place where everyone is welcome.  Every stage of life, experience of life is valuable and meaningful and welcomed.  I am part of such a team, yet I wait for someone to tell me- never mind, we know you now. 

I have all these swirly weird thoughts in my head because I have been given an opportunity.  One I want to jump into both feet first!  But instead, I am taking some time.  I am letting myself have these weird conversations in my head, having them in my prayers with God, asking some people who I consider mentors what they think. 

As I sit here in absolute joy and fear, I am reminded that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  So, I am doing something that is so against my nature and I am being still and waiting to hear from God.  He knows that with Him, I can and will thrive where He places me.  He invites me to call upon Him in my self-doubt and fear of failure.   I don't want anyone to look at me and say "you hypocrite!" 

I can't be anything other than me.  I can work on being patient ( and all the other fruits of the spirit- I need them!) and trying to be more like Jesus every day, but He knows who I am.  I just need to work on being faithful to remember WHOSE I am.  When people look at me, I want them to say "there's something about Trish.  How can I be/feel/act that way?"  It's not me that's special, it's God moving in me that allows me to help others.  And that's really what I want at the end of the day.  I want to help other people feel loved.  Feel needed.  Feel included.  Belonging- with all of our baggage.  The good and the bad.  We're not alone.  We're all unique.  We all have a space to occupy in this world.  I hope that God says "GO!" and I can jump in and swim along with others on this path to eternity.  That I can show love and acceptance to all I encounter, that I can make a difference in the lives of others.  

Come on now, sweat! Let the music move you.

Never let them see you sweat.

And why the HECK NOT?  I totally get the saying, but today the way it was used just made me want to scream out loud!

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page:  "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile."  It was a pretty girl in a pretty picture and my friend shared it and said "Never let them see you sweat."

And dear, sweet heart, if you read this,  make no mistake, I didn't want to scream at you.  I wanted to scream at our society.  Why are we teaching our children these sayings??  I know, it's for self preservation, but you know what? 

At some point we need to band together and be vulnerable enough to say " You hurt me."  You have the power and capability to hurt me and you did.  You hurt me.  Yes, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, to trust you and you hurt me.  And we don't need to hide that.  There is no shame in being hurt.  Just as there is NO shame in being willing to get back out there and be vulnerable again.  People say that's stupid and you just never learn and all sorts of variations to this theme, but you know what I think?

I think you're Brave.  Courageous.  Amazing! I think we need more people to get out there and say, relationship is so important in my life, I am willing to be hurt time and time again.  People will always hurt us.  We're human and it happens.  But when we close ourselves off to the possibilities out there, it makes me want to weep.  What have we lost out on because we've been too afraid to reach for it? 

This isn't to say that boundaries and self preservation aren't necessary, because they are, what I am saying is that when we lose the ability to truly share ourselves with others and become so solidly caught behind a wall of fear, we have the tendency to lose our true selves. 

So, I'm going to let you see me sweat (it ain't pretty) and I'm going to let you see me cry, and fail and succeed and every other thing I've got because I need you.  My life isn't a solo journey, it's a circus and I need you there.  

Daily grind, baby!

Hello friends out there in blogger world!  Life has been so fantastic back in San Diego, I just haven't made the time to write like I want to...as many of you know, I also started blogging for my church Women's ministry, so that too, competes for my time.  I do NOT have  anything awesome to say, so I decided to sum up my day in a top ten list.

10.) What?  2 am isn't what time we wake up for the day? -Levi

9.) Mommy- I am going to keep hacking  and coughing on you from 2 (since I am already up) until 705 when you drag your sorry self out of bed.

8.) Help a friend with her talk for church on Friday night while simultaneously apologizing for "Rude Levi."  Everyone's favorite 3 year old.

7.) Receive text from husband who is on duty:" I'm so sick.  They are sending me home."  Two words for you: MAN SICK.  (I should say that he perked up after 3 or so)

6.) Must make it to the commissary.  Everyone wants to eat and we have no food.

5.) Control the urge to grab lady at the commissary and bang her head into the wall after she slams by me to get into the yogurt section and then she manages to slam Levi's fingers into the freezer.  Does she apologize?  No, no she does not.  There was much deep breathing.  #nopostal

4.) Get phone call in check out that Ava is sick.  Must go pick up sick child before taking groceries home.

3.) Unload and put away groceries. 

2.) Clean up the house because a bomb went off in here sometime.  It must have.  There is no other excuse. 

1.) Make dinner, settle arguments, baths, showers, hair drama, kids in bed...LOL who am I kidding?  The kids are on the fifth round of "I'm hungry, I need a drink, Mommy, just one more hug."

And then just for fun, real, actual things I said today:

10.) Books do not go in bath tubs.  OOPS, too late.

9.) I swear I will shave all your hair off.  Don't tempt me.

8.) It's not going to sting.

7.) Can I have a bag for throw up?

6.) You have a booger on your face.  Fine.  Leave it there.

5.) Yes, those buns.  (Yes- meaning your butt cheeks)

4.) Do you want to play or eat?

3.) How many times can I tell you not to lick the wall?

2.) Brush your teeth, go pee, pick your book, get in bed.

1.) Goodnight.  I love you. 

And I really do love them, but bedtime is still one of my favorite times of the day.  So why do I still hear them???  AHHH.  I have 51 minutes until NCIS is on.  I just might make it. 

I've got a lumpy rug.

I'm a happy person- generally speaking.  I like people and I love to be social.  I love having authentic relationships with people. I love so much about being with and around other people.  Love it! Do you know what I don't like?

Being vulnerable.  But I've learned that authentic relationships require vulnerability.  They require being humble, being bold, being thoughtful and being truthful and much much more.

They require being able to set aside our knee jerk reactions, our own sense of entitlement, and think in "We" instead of "me."  I feel blessed to have deep, authentic relationships with people.  But I don't do it right all the time.  There are times I sweep things under the rug and lately I realized my rug is getting lumpy.

So now I am doing the hard work required of authentic relationships (that I sometimes become complacent about doing.)  I have to pray for God's wisdom, I have to admit to wrongful doing and request forgiveness.  I have to have the hard conversations.   With God, with myself, with my friends.

Life is full of lumps and bumps, highs and lows, and the good and the bad.  The truth is the rug of life will always be bumpy and lumpy and messy.  Jesus tells us “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

It's my saving grace that He is in all of my mess, all of my lumps and bumps.  He can show me the way to walk, the way to talk, the way to be in every circumstance I find myself in and enduring.

The key is that I have to reach out to Him and let Him lead me.  I have to stop and breathe and remind myself that the first place I should run to when I am in trouble, or hurt, or have put my foot (ok-both feet) into my own mouth is to Him.  Jesus loves us with an all encompassing love.  He will put on us the path we need to be on.  It's rarely easy, but it's always right.

In my own journey of faith, I am finally figuring out that the issue of feeling like I'll never get it, is in fact, Faith in all of it's various stages.  God created me to feel that tension and I'm normal.  WHAT?
YES!  HOORAY!

I have a God size hole that only He can fill.  And He will fill it even when I miss the boat, or make a mess.  He fills me in my mess, He fills me in my glory, when I get it mostly all right.  He's just there.  Always.  Waiting for us to invite him into the minute details of our lives, to come into our living rooms and walk across our lumpy rugs.

I once bought a China cabinet on Craigslist.  I got it home and reached into a drawer and there was a verse written on it, one I find apt today:

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.  Psalm 145:13

I can practice those things.  I'm just so thankful He does all of that perfectly and still comes to my messy house and loves me despite my lumpy rug.

Tired Trish, Crankypants

As I sit down to write this, I am so crabby. It happens so rarely, and I hate it.   I can feel it pumping off my body in waves.  Anger.  Irritation.  Annoyance.  Me- the ever so social, people needing person that I am, just wants to be left alone.

It's probably safer for everyone if they just did. 

I've given myself the "it's a choice you can choose a better mood" conversation and it didn't help.

I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal, a lot is just adrenaline/stress let down from Jason's accident ,  and probably a lot from the lack of sleep. 

Life.

Good days, bad days, scary days, awesome days, they're all there.  What do I take away from each day?  Am I learning anything?  Or am I just making it through? 

The days when I feel down or superbly cranky always make me think more philosophically.  I'm not sure why.  But they do. 

Our pastor at church always talks about how you can't give away what you don't have.  And you do give away what you do have.  So today, I feel like a failure, cause I've given away nothing good.  Just crabby, irritable thoughts.  On days like these, I am careful to watch what  I say and I spend a majority of the time being quiet (so rare for me) because I also know you can't take back words once spoken. 

This isn't a pity party or a plug for "there there's" just putting it out of my head.  Some days are just sucky.  Sometimes my optimism takes a rest, some days- I'm just not me.  And today is one of those days.

But the one thing I do know is that it will pass.  It always does.  In the middle of major trauma, I hold onto the hope that it will pass, on sad days, I know it will pass, crabby days- it will pass.  The world keeps spinning, life keeps happening and grace, oh, grace has been extended. 

If only it were later than 6:10 pm and I could just go to bed.  I'm tired of my own self.

All of that aside, today has made me think, in general (i.e. not on a crabby day) what do I give out? 

What do I harbor in my mind and heart that I give out each day?  I've made a promise to my very cranky self and I will ponder it and share the answer I come up with someday soon. 

Writing is usually an outlet for me and it almost always makes me feel better.  I'm still cranky, but I know that it will pass, I won't be Tired Trish, Crankypants for long.