I'm a Doer not a thinker.

It’s been a long time…just one more thing for me to feel guilty about.  Since starting school, my time for writing personal reflections has basically come to a grinding halt.  My mind is full of other things and I know there is a time and place for all of it.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 sums it up. 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

I believe wholeheartedly this is true, yet in my humanness, I feel guilty when it’s NOT my time for whatever it is the world makes me think I should be doing.  Having said all of that, I know it’s time for me to write this blog.  Something I heard at church a while ago has been marinating inside me and as I’ve thought through it, about it, and around it, I’ve come to realize something- I far too often checklist my relationship with Jesus.  Church.  Check.  Tithe. Check.  Life Group. Check.  Ministry. Check, check, check.  But the problem is, checking things off my to-do list spiritually brings no peace, no joy, no relationship. It leads me to feeling farther and farther from the peace my soul longs for.  Strangely, the whole statement that brought me around to this was “hell is, at its most basic, as far away from God as you can be.”  What?  I know many of you are thinking, well that’s hardly life changing, but for me it resonated deep.  Why do I checklist my spirituality?  Is it because I can behave my way into heaven or rather, behave my way out of hell?

Those questions have been on my mind for weeks.  Today, at church, we spoke on how good works cannot get you to heaven.  It’s so fascinating to me how God can plant a seed for me to wrestle with and when I feel like he’s not giving me answers (certainly not on my timeline), all of a sudden-boom.  There it is.  I have known as an adult Christ follower that I struggle with check listing myself and my relationship with God because I am a doer.  God does want me to do…Serving is all over the bible.  He also wants me to be with him and to know him more and more. 

I suppose the point of writing this down was to just encourage you all, especially my fellow doer’s, that not doing does not lead to punishment.  The heart of our doing is the key to it all.  I hope during this season you can learn and wrestle with what point of all your doing leads to…does it lead back to God?  All too often for me, it lead to feeling accomplished, but still vaguely dissatisfied.   I’ve learned a lot the last few years as I’ve grown in my faith, but the main thing that I have learned is that I will constantly be learning and challenging my beliefs.  I had so hoped that one day it wouldn’t be as much work, but it is.  Good, holy, life changing work.  Work that leads me closer and closer to the one who created me, the one who knows me better than I know myself and YET!  He still loves me.  And he loves you too! 

Silent no more

Our silence is deafening. 

You. Guys.  

OUR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.

Look, I get it.  I do.  I have struggled with what to say and how to say it.  I don't want to make a tenuous situation worse, I don't want to feel like I am backtracking and trying to explain myself and I certainly don't want to cause anymore pain. 

But by saying nothing, we are choosing to let the darkness win.

I find myself often not understanding why the hash tag is #blacklivesmatter when I feel that #alllivesmatter.  But let's set that aside for a minute.  The point of #blacklivesmatter is because they feel that they don't matter and they want to matter.  So deeply.

And when we're being down in the gut raw and honest, it's what we all want.  The career criminal started out as a young kid who wanted to matter.  The SAHM who drinks every night to de stress, she wants to matter too.  The addict that just can't beat their demon, she also wants to matter to someone.  We all have places and stages and areas of our lives where we feel we don't matter.  It's a sad and lonely place, no matter how many people experience it before you, with you, after you.  There are so many examples I could have used above, I could have gone on and on and on. 

Part of the solution is for each one of us, every single one of us,  to treat everyone like they matter.  Every single person we come in contact with needs to know that they matter.  They are important and valuable and they bring something awesome, amazing and worthy that only they can bring to the earth. 

So I don't know the right thing to say or the perfect thing to do, but I do know that it starts with me.  It starts with being kind.  Having hard conversations with people we don't understand in a reasonable and courteous ways.  Seeking first to understand, then be understood.  Putting other people's needs before our own.  It starts with serving. 

Our society has gotten so far away from caring for each other.  All we want to do is cast blame.  And I understand that...We need someone or something to blame all the hate and all the violence on.  We can fight a person or hate a person so much easier than we can handle the pain.  But violence that begets violence is never the answer,  it may temporarily make us feel like we've done something, but all we've done is joined the cycle of violence.  It is going to take true strength, humility and meekness to win this fight.

We have to lay down our rights and protect those whose rights are being ignored.  Being trampled on.  We might even belong to a group that feels it has no rights. 

I would rather lay down my right to blame, my right to anger, my right to be right than live in this world gone mad. 

I know that I might not impact the whole world, but I will impact my neighborhood.  My children. My community.

We all have a choice to make.  Sit on the sidelines feeling sad and comment on what's happening or get involved and be a game changer. 

I'm still deathly afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, but the deafening silence can no longer be my defense.  I matter.  And I'm going to make sure other people matter too. 

A letter to my firstborn

Dear Sophia,

I hope you know I haven't forgotten you.

 

I'm having a little mom guilt in regards to you today.  Every year I write on the anniversary of your death, it's quite healing for me. 

But I have to confess, I did not write this year.  Yes, I know it's only 2 days past the anniversary  but I didn't forget and I wasn't too busy. 

I just could not do it.  Maybe it's because your story has been playing in my mind as I write a talk for women's ministry.  Maybe it's because I just didn't know what to say.  But mainly because for the first time in a decade, I didn't feel crushed.  Yes, I miss you.  I miss you as much today as I did 10 years ago, as much as I did yesterday and as much as I will tomorrow. 

You are an aching void in my heart.  Nothing can change that.  It's just this year , it didn't bow me under the heavy weight of grief until I felt I would snap.  This isn't to say that time is healing my wound, there's truly no end to that.  Grief is funny that way.  This year, I felt a sense of calm and so, I'd like to write to you some things I thought about on your anniversary instead, things I wanted as ours alone,  for just one day.

I wonder if you would have the same sweet smile as your twin, Ava?  Would you have dark and thick hair like her? 

Would you be the yen to her yang? 

Would you giggle as she does when I remind her Peanut Butter Donut at night?

What would your favorite school subject be?

Would you be an animal lover?

Would you be a shy introvert or an outgoing extrovert like your mama?

Ava really misses you.  I  miss you.  Daddy misses you.  Tessa, Elijah and Levi never met you, but they wish for you too. 

There are things I have been storing up, wishing I could say them to you! Things like, wash your hands, it's time to eat, good night sweetheart and I love you.

 

Other things I have been preparing to say to Ava and long to say to you, like your body is starting to change and you'll be really mad sometimes and not know why.  The crying, oh the crying,  He's not good enough for you!  You're a beautiful bride.   Congratulations!  The list goes on and on. 

Each year, I am left with an ache because I don't get to hug you, love you,  and yes, even discipline you into an amazing woman.  Do you know how many lives you have touched without ever saying a word?

This year the knowledge of where you are and WHO you are with simply outweighed my sadness.  My sadness and despair are just reflections of my selfish self that wants you here. You are without pain, disability or sadness.   I know that you are a queen seated near the King of Kings.   I know that the Kingdom of God belongs to children such as you.

So this year I see you in my mind twirling in a gown of gold, serving God and preparing places for all God's children. 

I just needed to remind you that I didn't forget my hopes and dreams for you.  I haven't forgotten for one single day the ache inside when I think of you.  I haven't forgotten your sweet little face. I haven't forgotten you. 

You were here.  You are loved.  You are missed.  

Until I see you again, hugs and kisses, 

I love you,

Mommy 

Running to your arms!

As I was singing during worship this past weekend, some lyrics to a song really resonated with me.  The words are simply "Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your grace will always be enough.  Nothing compares with your embrace.  Light of the world forever reign."

First, I just love this song.  The words paint a beautiful picture.  I liken it to when Jason comes home from a long deployment, or truthfully, sometimes even after being gone just a few weeks at sea, but EVERYTHING in me lights up when I see his face!  I'm just so thankful to have him home and our children are so thankful to have him home.  You may know the feeling I am talking about, you see them and your whole body lets out this joyful sigh, your pulse gets a little faster, your heart feels full to bursting and you don't know if you want to laugh or cry or both.  It's an intense rush of emotion.  And you know in a minute you are going to have his arms wrapped around you and the feeling of being safe and protected and LOVED will slide back into place.

So when I sing this song, I often see the image of a little girl running to her dad as he returns home from war.  Long hair flying in the breeze, swishy skirts moving as she runs forward and then the ultimate moment when her daddy picks her up and they hug and twirl around in circles, laughing and crying and being joyful of being together.  This is be what God wants for us and He can be there always.  We can always run to Him, we don't have to wait. 

For any of you who have been to a homecoming, you also see the little girls and boys, who hang back, shy and uncomfortable from the one who loves them and knows them so well.  The disconnection, the fear, the hiding.  I have a tendency to be this girl.  Oh, how every part of me wants to run with joy and abandon to God, but I stick close to what I know, even though stepping forward would be better.  I feel shy and often, ashamed,  and think He will feel that way about me too.  But that just isn't the truth.  And we have to stop believing it.  

He delights in us.  We just have to be wildly courageous for one second and take that first step, then we will be running for all we're worth to the one who loves us and knows our worth.   Who will gather us in His embrace where, even if  it feels like the world is falling apart, we will be loved and whole.  Wholly loved, wholly adored, wholly worthy.  Wholly delightful. 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Grief is the price of Love.

My heart breaks over and over again.  My brain tells me that I can't handle more news.  No more school shootings, no more plane crashes, no more tragedy.  It makes me want scream and rant and cry and hide and weep and wail.  I cannot understand the world in which we live. 

I cannot hold all the heartache that is in the world.  It is overwhelming.  It is terrifying.  It is sad. It is. 

We live in a world where we can "understand" when bad things happen to bad people, we kind of buy into karma at that point.  Bad choices equal bad consequences, so we can understand that.  But we fall every time to the WHY when bad things happen to good people, innocent people, people who are trying to make the world a better place.  We can't fathom the why. 

I've spent years on my own particular why.  Years. 

My child died. 

That's as stark of a reality as you can get.  It's my reality.  I cannot escape the truth of those words.  I cannot pretend it didn't happen, I cannot deny that it happened, I cannot wish it away.

In the same way we cannot pretend or deny or wish away the tragedy that is in our world.  We cannot strong arm our values onto others.  We cannot leave behind our values and use tragedy as the excuse.  We can only try and be more like Jesus.  More kind.  More compassionate.  More humble.  More loving.  More helpful.  More patient.  More Self controlled.  And let's be less judging.  Less having to be right.  Less harsh. Less angry.  Less self serving.

I'm just like you, I can't figure out this craziness that is in our world.  I can't figure out the why's.  I was once asked "If you knew why, would it change your grief?"  And the answer was no.  Even knowing why bad things happen does not change the sadness in our hearts, for grief is the price of love. 

So today I cling to the word of God  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2  You guys- WE WILL FEEL THE WATER!  WE WILL FEEL THE HEAT!  There is no escaping that.  We can rest assured in our faith that God will be with us.  In these moments of tragedy, we can turn to him.  We can cry, and rant and ask God why.  He can take it.  And then when our emotion is spent, He will gather us close to him and give us His joy and His peace and His rest.  He will remind of His Victory and His promise to us  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev 21:4 

I don't know when that glorious day will be, so for now I take my grief, my anger, my inability to understand WHY to him.  I may never receive any why's, but I know I will receive compassion that includes peace, that passes all understanding, love and joy.

Qualified

Have you ever wanted something so badly but felt it was out of reach?  Or impossible for you to attain?  Unrealistic?  Or that you weren't capable? And so on and so forth?

I stepped out into a ministry at church this year that I believe strongly in.  I love it and I have fun and yet sometimes I think, "if they only knew...what I was thinking...what I have done...the things I have said..."  Quite honestly, I often feel like an imposter.  How can I, Trish Perry, possibly show God's love and Grace to other people?  I am afraid that I will go along just being me and screw it up.  Then people will say "Can you believe her?" 

I long to be a valuable part of a team that makes a safe place where everyone is welcome.  Every stage of life, experience of life is valuable and meaningful and welcomed.  I am part of such a team, yet I wait for someone to tell me- never mind, we know you now. 

I have all these swirly weird thoughts in my head because I have been given an opportunity.  One I want to jump into both feet first!  But instead, I am taking some time.  I am letting myself have these weird conversations in my head, having them in my prayers with God, asking some people who I consider mentors what they think. 

As I sit here in absolute joy and fear, I am reminded that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  So, I am doing something that is so against my nature and I am being still and waiting to hear from God.  He knows that with Him, I can and will thrive where He places me.  He invites me to call upon Him in my self-doubt and fear of failure.   I don't want anyone to look at me and say "you hypocrite!" 

I can't be anything other than me.  I can work on being patient ( and all the other fruits of the spirit- I need them!) and trying to be more like Jesus every day, but He knows who I am.  I just need to work on being faithful to remember WHOSE I am.  When people look at me, I want them to say "there's something about Trish.  How can I be/feel/act that way?"  It's not me that's special, it's God moving in me that allows me to help others.  And that's really what I want at the end of the day.  I want to help other people feel loved.  Feel needed.  Feel included.  Belonging- with all of our baggage.  The good and the bad.  We're not alone.  We're all unique.  We all have a space to occupy in this world.  I hope that God says "GO!" and I can jump in and swim along with others on this path to eternity.  That I can show love and acceptance to all I encounter, that I can make a difference in the lives of others.  

Come on now, sweat! Let the music move you.

Never let them see you sweat.

And why the HECK NOT?  I totally get the saying, but today the way it was used just made me want to scream out loud!

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page:  "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile."  It was a pretty girl in a pretty picture and my friend shared it and said "Never let them see you sweat."

And dear, sweet heart, if you read this,  make no mistake, I didn't want to scream at you.  I wanted to scream at our society.  Why are we teaching our children these sayings??  I know, it's for self preservation, but you know what? 

At some point we need to band together and be vulnerable enough to say " You hurt me."  You have the power and capability to hurt me and you did.  You hurt me.  Yes, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, to trust you and you hurt me.  And we don't need to hide that.  There is no shame in being hurt.  Just as there is NO shame in being willing to get back out there and be vulnerable again.  People say that's stupid and you just never learn and all sorts of variations to this theme, but you know what I think?

I think you're Brave.  Courageous.  Amazing! I think we need more people to get out there and say, relationship is so important in my life, I am willing to be hurt time and time again.  People will always hurt us.  We're human and it happens.  But when we close ourselves off to the possibilities out there, it makes me want to weep.  What have we lost out on because we've been too afraid to reach for it? 

This isn't to say that boundaries and self preservation aren't necessary, because they are, what I am saying is that when we lose the ability to truly share ourselves with others and become so solidly caught behind a wall of fear, we have the tendency to lose our true selves. 

So, I'm going to let you see me sweat (it ain't pretty) and I'm going to let you see me cry, and fail and succeed and every other thing I've got because I need you.  My life isn't a solo journey, it's a circus and I need you there.  

Daily grind, baby!

Hello friends out there in blogger world!  Life has been so fantastic back in San Diego, I just haven't made the time to write like I want to...as many of you know, I also started blogging for my church Women's ministry, so that too, competes for my time.  I do NOT have  anything awesome to say, so I decided to sum up my day in a top ten list.

10.) What?  2 am isn't what time we wake up for the day? -Levi

9.) Mommy- I am going to keep hacking  and coughing on you from 2 (since I am already up) until 705 when you drag your sorry self out of bed.

8.) Help a friend with her talk for church on Friday night while simultaneously apologizing for "Rude Levi."  Everyone's favorite 3 year old.

7.) Receive text from husband who is on duty:" I'm so sick.  They are sending me home."  Two words for you: MAN SICK.  (I should say that he perked up after 3 or so)

6.) Must make it to the commissary.  Everyone wants to eat and we have no food.

5.) Control the urge to grab lady at the commissary and bang her head into the wall after she slams by me to get into the yogurt section and then she manages to slam Levi's fingers into the freezer.  Does she apologize?  No, no she does not.  There was much deep breathing.  #nopostal

4.) Get phone call in check out that Ava is sick.  Must go pick up sick child before taking groceries home.

3.) Unload and put away groceries. 

2.) Clean up the house because a bomb went off in here sometime.  It must have.  There is no other excuse. 

1.) Make dinner, settle arguments, baths, showers, hair drama, kids in bed...LOL who am I kidding?  The kids are on the fifth round of "I'm hungry, I need a drink, Mommy, just one more hug."

And then just for fun, real, actual things I said today:

10.) Books do not go in bath tubs.  OOPS, too late.

9.) I swear I will shave all your hair off.  Don't tempt me.

8.) It's not going to sting.

7.) Can I have a bag for throw up?

6.) You have a booger on your face.  Fine.  Leave it there.

5.) Yes, those buns.  (Yes- meaning your butt cheeks)

4.) Do you want to play or eat?

3.) How many times can I tell you not to lick the wall?

2.) Brush your teeth, go pee, pick your book, get in bed.

1.) Goodnight.  I love you. 

And I really do love them, but bedtime is still one of my favorite times of the day.  So why do I still hear them???  AHHH.  I have 51 minutes until NCIS is on.  I just might make it. 

I've got a lumpy rug.

I'm a happy person- generally speaking.  I like people and I love to be social.  I love having authentic relationships with people. I love so much about being with and around other people.  Love it! Do you know what I don't like?

Being vulnerable.  But I've learned that authentic relationships require vulnerability.  They require being humble, being bold, being thoughtful and being truthful and much much more.

They require being able to set aside our knee jerk reactions, our own sense of entitlement, and think in "We" instead of "me."  I feel blessed to have deep, authentic relationships with people.  But I don't do it right all the time.  There are times I sweep things under the rug and lately I realized my rug is getting lumpy.

So now I am doing the hard work required of authentic relationships (that I sometimes become complacent about doing.)  I have to pray for God's wisdom, I have to admit to wrongful doing and request forgiveness.  I have to have the hard conversations.   With God, with myself, with my friends.

Life is full of lumps and bumps, highs and lows, and the good and the bad.  The truth is the rug of life will always be bumpy and lumpy and messy.  Jesus tells us “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

It's my saving grace that He is in all of my mess, all of my lumps and bumps.  He can show me the way to walk, the way to talk, the way to be in every circumstance I find myself in and enduring.

The key is that I have to reach out to Him and let Him lead me.  I have to stop and breathe and remind myself that the first place I should run to when I am in trouble, or hurt, or have put my foot (ok-both feet) into my own mouth is to Him.  Jesus loves us with an all encompassing love.  He will put on us the path we need to be on.  It's rarely easy, but it's always right.

In my own journey of faith, I am finally figuring out that the issue of feeling like I'll never get it, is in fact, Faith in all of it's various stages.  God created me to feel that tension and I'm normal.  WHAT?
YES!  HOORAY!

I have a God size hole that only He can fill.  And He will fill it even when I miss the boat, or make a mess.  He fills me in my mess, He fills me in my glory, when I get it mostly all right.  He's just there.  Always.  Waiting for us to invite him into the minute details of our lives, to come into our living rooms and walk across our lumpy rugs.

I once bought a China cabinet on Craigslist.  I got it home and reached into a drawer and there was a verse written on it, one I find apt today:

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.  Psalm 145:13

I can practice those things.  I'm just so thankful He does all of that perfectly and still comes to my messy house and loves me despite my lumpy rug.

Tired Trish, Crankypants

As I sit down to write this, I am so crabby. It happens so rarely, and I hate it.   I can feel it pumping off my body in waves.  Anger.  Irritation.  Annoyance.  Me- the ever so social, people needing person that I am, just wants to be left alone.

It's probably safer for everyone if they just did. 

I've given myself the "it's a choice you can choose a better mood" conversation and it didn't help.

I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal, a lot is just adrenaline/stress let down from Jason's accident ,  and probably a lot from the lack of sleep. 

Life.

Good days, bad days, scary days, awesome days, they're all there.  What do I take away from each day?  Am I learning anything?  Or am I just making it through? 

The days when I feel down or superbly cranky always make me think more philosophically.  I'm not sure why.  But they do. 

Our pastor at church always talks about how you can't give away what you don't have.  And you do give away what you do have.  So today, I feel like a failure, cause I've given away nothing good.  Just crabby, irritable thoughts.  On days like these, I am careful to watch what  I say and I spend a majority of the time being quiet (so rare for me) because I also know you can't take back words once spoken. 

This isn't a pity party or a plug for "there there's" just putting it out of my head.  Some days are just sucky.  Sometimes my optimism takes a rest, some days- I'm just not me.  And today is one of those days.

But the one thing I do know is that it will pass.  It always does.  In the middle of major trauma, I hold onto the hope that it will pass, on sad days, I know it will pass, crabby days- it will pass.  The world keeps spinning, life keeps happening and grace, oh, grace has been extended. 

If only it were later than 6:10 pm and I could just go to bed.  I'm tired of my own self.

All of that aside, today has made me think, in general (i.e. not on a crabby day) what do I give out? 

What do I harbor in my mind and heart that I give out each day?  I've made a promise to my very cranky self and I will ponder it and share the answer I come up with someday soon. 

Writing is usually an outlet for me and it almost always makes me feel better.  I'm still cranky, but I know that it will pass, I won't be Tired Trish, Crankypants for long.  

Opportunity knocks

Hi guys!

Hey- you! Don't fall over in shock!  2 Blogs in one week!  What?!?!

I'm just here to tell you about an opportunity I have that I am VERY excited about.

I'm going to be helping write for my church's Women's group blog (and possibly helping with the social media and other events- YAY!) So, there are a few things I'd like to say.

1) Will you pray for me?  I want to be fully immersed in God's word and hear what he wants me to write.

2) Will you pray specifically for people (Believers and Non believers alike) to share stories with me that are encouraging and amazing and hard and that they would be willing for me to share their stories?

The biggest way that we can impact each other is to be real, to be willing to be vulnerable and say to other people "This is me.  This is my story."

I love people.  I love a good story.

So this is PERFECT for me.  I am so thankful God opened this door of ministry for me.

Ok, maybe not that story, but still!

Thanks for being interested in reading what I write.  I'm very excited to be able to continue to do it, even if only one person ever cares about what I write, it will be well worth it.  And now I need to go to bed.

The End

That ONE thing

So, we all have that ONE thing.  You know, the one thing we want to do, but can't or don't do.

Maybe its fear of failure that holds us back, maybe it's an addiction of sorts, maybe it's just contrary human nature.

And since this is my blog and I get to write all the things, maybe I should confess that I have more than ONE thing.

Yeah, more than one.  I try to figure out how I feel about the things, and sometimes it feels crystal clear and other times, it's as clear as mud.

I'll share mine (and I'm quite certain I have more, but these are the ones that popped right into my head)  First, it drives me NUTS that I don't have a good devotional life and that I lack that "be still-ness" that I know would help soothe my soul.  I also realize that this is a discipline that must be learned.  I want to want to spend quality time in my bible, I just don't.  When I pause and take "me" time, I veg out.  Read a book (just not THE book), I watch TV etc.  So my prayer life has changed.  I just pray that God gives me the desire to be in His word.  It's want I want to do, yet I don't.

Another ONE thing, food.  I have a serious food addiction.  I don't eat constantly, nor do I eat a ton, but I don't eat as healthy as I'd like. Sometimes I just do whatever I want.  And this, my friends, puts me on a crazy cycle of guilt, shame, disappointment, disgust and lots of self loathing,  DO NOT get me wrong here, I honestly don't go around hating my body every day.  But they are days when I catch a sideways glimpse in the mirror and think "ew."  And at the same time, I know I am the only one who can change it and I want to...so why don't I?  I'm still down 20 pounds from my 30 pound weight loss this spring, so that is encouraging.  So I am once again praying that God can help with some fruits of the spirit...self control particularly.

Another ONE thing, being a better mom, wife and homemaker.  I keep a fairly tidy house (as much as I can with 4 small kiddos and ALL of their clutter.)  But I could be better.  I often ignore chores because I'd rather do something else.  I get mad and yell at my kids, more often than I care to admit.  I feel frustrated and annoyed.  But I LONG to put this time in my life and my family's life in it's proper place.  And that place is a place of honor.  Every toilet I clean, every meal I make (that my kids won't eat, AGH!) Every minute I feel like my husband doesn't "care" enough to get me, that I can step back and know- that all of those minutes make the whole.  And I have to choose, is the whole going to be happy and content?  Or is it going to be angry and self centered?  I choose wrong a lot.  And I am thankful everyday that grace is a part of my life.   There isn't anything special about me that makes me lovable even when I act like a butt.  That is all grace that my God, my family, my friends and even strangers choose to extend my way.

What are your ONE things?  What one thing can you do today to take a stand against your issue?  Call a friend?  Ask for prayer?  Turn down one treat, just one, just today.  Pause and count to 5 before yelling at your child?  I could do all of these and I know they would help, yet some days, I just don't.  Even though I want to want to!

I've been wracking my brain for a clever acrostic for ONE.  It took a while, but this is my new ONE saying and I am hoping that it helps me and you.  So please feel free to whisper this to yourself in a moment when your ONE thing is up in your face and you feel defeated.

O- Only
(the)
N-Next
E- Experience

If you can contain, control, deny, fill in your own blank, pray, or take on ONLY the NEXT EXPERIENCE with your issue, it seems less daunting.  Less terrifying.  Just less.

And today, make this your goal!

Have a ONEderful day friends!  We can do it! 

Technical difficulty

Hi guys!  I have been experiencing some technical difficulties with my laptop, eventually culminating into a trip to Geek Available.   I have it back now and here I sit.

Silence.

Crickets chirping.

Writers block.

I kid you not, I was MOVED to be writing while my computer was down and now that I can write...my mind is blank.

I guess I am a little like my laptop.  Works more slowly as it gets older, but still has to hold it together.  And just like my computer, I've crashed.  I've had viruses, I've had to be rebooted.  And there were a few times I didn't think I'd make it.  So thanks for bearing with me through my technical difficulties.

Hoping this week is better for many of us and better for my blog!  Have a happy week friends!

When you feel like you're not enough.

Why am I not enough?

This question has been rolling through my mind in various forms this week.   Why did I do that?  Why didn't I do that?  What's wrong with me?  I can't believe this!  You can add in your own specific form of self doubt, we all have a million ways in which we belittle ourselves, or where we believe the words of  others that have belittled us.

I've had a crappy few days.  Just bad.  Hurt feelings, exhaustion, self doubt, self loathing, and uncertainty.  I've done a lot of things to try and shake it, but they are things that don't work.  Shopping, eating, getting angry at others, myself, life in general.  Didn't do anything to help me, though.  So after I broke down in tears over a stinking PPD test (TB test) at the military clinic, I was just at the bottom of myself.  I can't fix it.  Things are not going right for me.  Nothing is going how I want it to go, or  anywhere close to normal. 

It took me a week, but, um, I get it now.  Sometimes I am so good at "pulling up my boot straps" and dealing with life, I forget that God uses frustrations, anger, hurt feelings, and pain to get my attention.  He's always asking if I will just go through it (which is, quite frankly, my usual MO) or will I grow through it?  Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize He wants me to grow.  I get so wrapped up in daily living, I forget the purpose of living.  It isn't about being the best, having a clean house, having the most brilliant children or the most picture perfect marriage.  It's about love.  Loving others.  If love isn't our motivating force, it's time for a realignment.

I haven't been feeling or acting very loving lately.  And as I calmed down from my crying jag over the aforementioned PPD test, I rolled over the lovely what is wrong with me question for about the billionth time in a week's span.  I was sitting at my kitchen table with my bible, getting ready to do my life group reading for the week.  Turns out, I already did it...so, I was like, crud, what do I read now?  And at the end of the chapter there was a weekly reading suggestion, so I was like "woo!  Thank You!" And I opened my bible and read the following:

 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

Now this, in and of itself would remind me that I am not of this world.  That is enough to make me stop and once again, berate myself for my attitude.  Not really want God intended there, but my human nature has a way of going there.  Now, in my bible, I often take notes.  Today, I read in my own writing:

Conform:

People change you because they care about themselves.

Transformation:

We change because God values us.

 

WOW!  I was blown away.  I've read this very words before, I wrote them down in my bible and today- they blasted through.

I've been so focused on trying to be in control and doing the right thing(according to our world view), that it's taken a toll on me.  I'm trying to conform to someone else's identity for me, and of course, I've been unhappy.  Now, I'm not exactly a people pleaser and I certainly wasn't consciously aware of "conforming"  but that's exactly what I was doing.  God finally got through my "pull up my big girl panties and deal" attitude to tell me, "Trisha, I value you.  I love you.  I care about you."  He doesn't care if my house is spotless, if my children to behave 100% of the time, if I have a million dollars or 1 cent.  He cares about me.  My feelings, my hopes, my dreams.  He wants me to rest in his presence.  He'd love for me to be still, and that one I am still working on, it will probably be a lifelong challenge for me.  I know it's an amazing time to recharge, I am just terrible at being still, and quiet.

Just know this, if you feel like you need a change, or can think of something specific in your life you want to change, God asks us to be transformed.  Even if it's as simple as changing your current attitude!  We change because He values us.  He values us so much.  And when we rest in him and renew our minds, change will happen. 

Transformation is a continually occurring process, so let's take this journey together.  Being bold, remembering our purpose and armed with the knowledge that Jesus values us, we are more precious that diamonds, more valuable than gold.  He values our neighbors, our kids, our friends, our communities.  He values YOU!

When I grow up...

I just submitted an inquiry to SDSU ( San Diego State University- go Aztecs!) about their Bachelors of Arts in Social Work.  I feel kind of sick.

It's just, I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up.  But I do know that I want to help people, so, I start here and go with a goal in mind of doing the Masters program so I can be a counselor. 

Anyway, this is not a huge post.  This is just a "pat myself on the back" moment because I came unfrozen long enough to submit the inquiry. 

I'm petrified of going back to school.  Terrified.  I haven't studied (well, I have gone back to K-3rd) in YEARS, like over a decade. 

I do, however, want my kids to go to college, so I feel I should set a good example, plus, it's always been a personal goal. 

It's just time for me to start working on some of my old dreams and goals.  That is all. 

Levi the loon and his mother too.

Heaven have mercy.

Seriously. 

Have mercy on me.

Or maybe, just Levi.

This kid! 

He's terribly adorable.  Terribly three.  Terribly tantruming.  He's tearing me down one day at a time right now.  I'm not sure I am going to survive this phase.  I know, I know, I've had 3, three year olds beside him and 2 of them at one time!  I survived them.  BUT. THIS. LAST. ONE.

He's a hitter.  A kicker.  A puncher. (thank you Ninja turtles...the downside of an older brother perhaps?)  He tantrums until he pukes.  He's a screamer. 

I'm not waving y'all.  I'm drowning.  Please just pray for us.  Give me a pat on the back if you see me.  Be prepared for tears.  Just keep telling me that we'll both survive and he'll turn out to BE as nice as he looks. 

Because THIS KID seems to be winning lately! 

 

 

He's crying in that picture by the way, not laughing.  And I SO love how my grandparents are ignoring him.  LOL. 

 

 

You know, THIS KID, is a blessing from God.  And I love him with all of my heart and soul and I think that's why this phase is so hard on me.  

 

 





Ahhh, I love him, especially right now, because he's sleeping.  Aren't sleeping babies the best?

That other little blessing is Addison Grace and I surely hope for my sisters sake, she's sleeping right now too.  And on that note, goodnight Inshockfriends!

Bippity boppity bloggity

HI!  ME AGAIN!  This is me, in case you forgot:

Don't I look awesome?  I figured this would be a fun shot for you to giggle over. 

I'm sitting down to write for the first time in a long time.  I really love writing.  I just don't set aside the time for it like I should.  One of my goals for the next 12 months is to grow my blog.  EEEK.  Just saying that makes my stomach feel queasy and my self esteem to quake.  Who really wants to hear (or read) the inner workings my mind churns out?  I'll be reading up on how to "advertise" my blog.  If anyone has any ideas, suggestions or experience, PLEASE, I am begging you for help. 

 

When I started blogging, I really looked at it as a form of online journaling.  My husband thought my writing was great and asked me to share with our friends and family.  Since that time, I have had many people tell me I need to continue writing, be published and build a bigger blog base.  I'm not really sure if it will take off, but I want to try and see.  So.  Share my blog.  Repost my writing.  Pray for the words to come from my mind to the page, to people's hearts.  To be encouraging.  To be uplifting.  To be.  To let others know they aren't alone.  To let others laugh at my crazy. 

 

I've struggled a long time and done many things, and haven't done other things because what my heart had been and is longing for is to be known.  To be known and loved anyway.  To be known and acknowledged.  To be known and important. 

We all are.  ALL OF US.  I want to spread the knowing around.  I want to be the one that says : Hey- you!  Yes, you, I see you over there.  I see you feeling alone, unimportant, overwhelmed, unworthy, unlovable, tired, angry, and needing a place to rest, I see you.  You are important.  You are needed.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are worth holding space for, it's yours, it's unique and it makes a difference in this world. 

We're not all meant to be famous (or infamous,) but we are made with purpose.   And at the very start and end of all of our purpose is to love each other even when we know each other.  That doesn't mean we'll agree with everyone, or even like everyone, but we can be kind and loving.  It's our choice.  Oh how I make the wrong choice a million times a day.  But the beauty is, as long as we're alive, we get another chance.  I don't want to just get through another day, or month or year, I want to live it.  I want love it. 

I want to show it out loud, in a lavish and life breathing way.  And it terrifies me to try and do it publicly because it's a sure bet I will fail.  A lot.  Every day. 

So I'll take some deep breaths, say a lot of prayers, and hope you all will hang on for a wild and wonderful ride. 

Quick update

Hey all!  Just hopping on for a quick minute.  Jason and I did the rounds with the Doctors yesterday.  And I have never felt so relieved.  The hematologist is content with Jason being on the Warfarin for 3 months.  The senior medical advisor on base concurs with his assessment and further stated that there is no need for limited duty or any change to our orders.  The Doctor for Jason's command will sign off on Jason's transfer paperwork August 1st once Jason is officially discharged (from the blood thinners anyway) by the hematologist.  We do believe that there will be an aspirin regiment after that for a few months, but that does not make Jason non deployable.  Anyway, all that means is that everything is on like regularly scheduled! 

The kids and I leave for our cross country trip July 31st.  With the elation I feel at going back to San Diego, there is a slice of my heart that is mourning leaving behind some really wonderful people in Groton.  So here is the official invitation to all my CT peeps:  Please come visit us!  We're willing to house you all on a California vacation.  Both a selfish and helpful plea from me.  :-) 

This is going to be one heck of a summer.  I get to see my sister and niece and nephews, see my BFF, hopefully meet up with Ava's NICU nurses for a meal, stay for a glorious week in Missouri with my awesome family and see my other siblings and nieces and nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles (yay me!) then off to KS to see an old friend, stay over night in a hotel in New Mexico, stop in Arizona to see one of my favorite people and then finally land ourselves in San Diego!  It's going to be a party all across America! 

Thank you to everyone for all the help, the meals, the prayers, the shoulders to cry on over the last month and a half.  God put you in our lives for a specific purpose and you have never failed to answer his call.  We love you! 

Stress and then some.

Aaaand it's been a while.  I really need to be better about posting.  I'd love to develop a bigger following, although, I'm not really sure why.  I don't think I have amazing writing skills or awesome stories, but I do like to be social and this is certainly a way that I socialize.  Ahh, I think maybe only a stay at home mom would consider blogging socializing!  Ha! 

As some of you know, this has been the craziest month for my sweet little family.  Jason had knee surgery April 30th, Ava had issues with her expander and had to have it removed May 2nd. So we took an unexpected trip to Boston Children's.   Jason ended up having blood clots in his leg, they sent him home on blood thinners and we went back to the ER a few days later and he was admitted to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.  Scary stuff.  Very scary.  He was in the hospital for 6 days, home and ended up going back in the hospital on May 26th.

I've coped.  Maybe not so well.  Like in most severe times in my life...I stuff it.  It leaks out much faster than it  used to though.  I remember odd things.  Unimportant things, but things that I can control.  Jason is on the mend, but once again, we find ourselves in the middle of uncertain times. 

We have orders.  We have amazing orders.   I have been so happy since we got our orders.  And ironically, we actually got our hard copy, in our hot little hand orders, while Jason was in the hospital.  Which leads me to now, there is a very good possibility that they may revoke or suspend our orders.   And I am trying and failing not to stress about it.  Although today, I came to the true realization that no matter whether I understand it or not, God is at work in this situation.  His fingerprints are all over it.  And yet, even having that thought and calming way down, I am still hopeful that God wants us to go to San Diego as regularly scheduled. 

We meet with the powers that be next week.  We're hopeful that we'll be given the green light as Jason won't leave here until August, he has a school until Thanksgiving and then checks in at his new command, which will bring him to the 6 month mark where he will no longer be on Blood thinners and will be deployable again.  So, just pray for us.  For peace, for patience (that's my issue!), for wisdom and for confirmation.    Being in limbo is hard for me. 

Ava is doing great.  The twinkles are amazing and Levi is almost 3.  That should make you all shudder.  Or laugh.  Depending on where you are in your walk with Motherhood.  Anywho, I promise to try and get on my blog more.  Make it a happy, welcoming place.  Love to you all!

The Rahab Resemblance

Ok, so sometimes I am really S-L-O-W.  I mean turtle-esque, no sloth slow.  Yeah, sloth slow.  Apparently I am also not a good listener.  I need to work on that.  I feel like the shower is a place where I get my best thinking in...I also feel that God talks to me in the shower.  That seems to be the place where people and issues get placed on my heart.  It seems random, but I know that I know that it isn't.

The last few showers I've had the pleasure of taking (I love living in the era of indoor plumbing!)I have just thought of Rahab's story. (You can read it in Joshua 2:1; 6:17-25; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25)  I've felt drawn to her for a long time, I feel a kinship with her.  And initially I couldn't understand why I could relate so well to a prostitute.  I mean, I was like, really God?  I have parallel personality traits to a hooker?  Works wonders for my self esteem. 

In the bible she is most often called a Harlot, which would mean a woman of loose morals.  I read somewhere that she yielded herself indiscriminately to every man who approached her.   Nice, right? 

But somewhere in the latest shower moments, I've really been thinking.  We've all of us got some Rahab in us.  Maybe we don't indiscriminately offer our bodies to anyone who asks, maybe we yield our morals or our inner selves  to fit in, or we rationalize the yielding we do.  We rationalize over eating, over spending, gossiping, lying, stealing, etc.  What area of your life do you experience Rahab resemblance?

I can think of so many times I channeled my inner Rahab.  She was a thrill seeker, high spirited and independent.  Gee, ok, now I see some resemblance!  I always feel exposed, shamed and uncomfortable sharing certain parts of my life, as Rahab must have felt when she hid the spies.  But it is part of my life experience, part of my testimony.  I was a lot like Rahab in my early 20s.  It   took me a long time to realize you can't find love and respect in sex.  It's not there.  And it eats away at your soul.  One indiscriminate act at a time. 

And then, of course, for me, is the Rahabing of over eating.  I took to that as a way to stuff feelings inside, to give myself a temporary high.  I could rationalize eating too much or too many bad things like a champ.  I still can.  But I am working on my Rahab: The Redeemed years.

There is victory over our Rahab Resemblance.  She ends up marrying one of the spies of Judah she saved!  A prince of Judah!  Grace erased her former life of shame and  her name became sanctified and ennobled.  She is in the genealogy of Jesus himself.  Yeah, that's right.  Jesus has a hooker in his family tree. 

Grace from God takes away our shame, our sin, our guilt.  Rahab's story shows us a life full of grace.  Her courage in hiding the spies was Faith in practice.  And this was before she was saved!  She felt God's calling on her and she believed. Faith changed her heart, her life, her legacy. 

So, now I will purposefully channel my Rahab Resemblance.   My sin, my shame, my fears are covered by God's grace.  Rahab means fierceness and I intend to live my life fiercely.  With a heart full of concern for others and a Faith that saves lives. 

I want to leave a legacy of bravery, faith, courage, and love.  I want that to be my Rahab Resemblance.