Funny how a melody sounds like a memory

When I think about you
I think about 17
I think about my old Jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
 - Eric Church "Springsteen"

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory...this line has been going around and around in my head all afternoon.  I saw something on Facebook today that took me way back.  All the way back to High School.  I think, I am an anomaly, I loved high school.  Every crazy, hormone induced, intense minute of it.  There were parts I would change if I could, and other parts (good and bad) I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. 

Today I have been thinking of something I would have changed, even then not knowing what I know now, and FOR SURE would have changed had I had the foresight and knowledge of my experience.  Many of you know me and went to high school with me, so even if I don't name names, you'll know who I am talking about. 

It's a story about the first boy I loved with all my heart.

I can't say that I remember exactly how I felt the first moment I saw him or that time stood still or went in slow motion but I can say from pretty close to the first moment I met him, my heart sure did flutter.  Young love.  Is there anything more enlightening, frightening or innocent than the first encounter with love?  I loved him in the only way I knew how, and boy, looking back, it must have been intense, scary and thrilling all at the same time for him, maybe even annoying.  Thank God he was blessed with a kind heart.  I could only love him in the way I knew to love, in the way I longed to be loved.  Which was really needy and afraid.  If you weren't around me, would you remember me?  I If I couldn't make you happy or didn't make you happy, would you still like me?  What would you do if I disagreed with you?  So many things.  Love tested. 

I had an absentee father.  Were some of my reactions to love colored by that?  Of course, they were, and as much as I hate to admit it, my husband still gets some of my knee jerk, abandonment issues with love reactions.  It's funny how much we can change and yet still be so much the same.

I've had some memories in my head today that have made me smile in fondness, laugh in happiness, and tear up in sorrow.  We can't go back and I don't want to, but boy, I wish that relationship had ended differently.  As an adult, I know that some friends are for life, some for a season, some for a reason. 

I truthfully loved him with all of my teenage being, but more I liked him.  I considered him my best friend through High school and I miss being able to say "do you remember that?  It was so hilarious, sad, crazy etc."  I have that with other life long friends and, I cherish those friendships.  But I wanted to cherish this one too.  It's been so long since I have thought about the way that friendship died.  Most certainly by my own actions.  I betrayed a confidence, the when, the how, the what are between he and I and certainly not up for sharing them in my blog, were they High school-ish?  Yes, but some of it was just human.  And it was all extremely personal. 

The implosion came the summer after senior year.  It was ugly, it was fierce, it was swift, it was final. Looking back, it could have been a combination of withdrawal in preparation for leaving for college and the secret shared.  I can't know the whole of what caused the severity on his part, but it hurt me.  His part of it, my part of it, the whole sum of it!  It was a painful lesson.  It was a painful loss. 

Obviously, I survived and I don't mean to be melodramatic, just truthfully nostalgic.  And I never knew how to say what I felt then, so now, it helps to say how it made me feel.  It was a loss that I wasn't able to cope with, I was ill prepared for the swift finality of it.  I made some poor choices following that, AND that is all on me.  I alone am responsible for how I react to my feelings. 

It's all brought me to where I am today.  When all is said and done, I can mourn the loss of the sweet first blush of love I experienced, I can mourn the loss of an amazing friendship, but it wasn't meant for me.  Everything that has happened since has shaped who I am today, everything that happened DURING has shaped me in some way. 

As I sit here finishing this blog, I am surrounded by 4 people I created with a man I love.  A love that has matured through age, experience, happiness, and sorrow. A love that makes my heart flutter. It grew out of my experience with a boy, who was becoming a man, from a girl who was trying to become a woman.  And my woman's heart can look back and smile on the experience a young girl shared with a truly remarkable boy.