Opportunity knocks

Hi guys!

Hey- you! Don't fall over in shock!  2 Blogs in one week!  What?!?!

I'm just here to tell you about an opportunity I have that I am VERY excited about.

I'm going to be helping write for my church's Women's group blog (and possibly helping with the social media and other events- YAY!) So, there are a few things I'd like to say.

1) Will you pray for me?  I want to be fully immersed in God's word and hear what he wants me to write.

2) Will you pray specifically for people (Believers and Non believers alike) to share stories with me that are encouraging and amazing and hard and that they would be willing for me to share their stories?

The biggest way that we can impact each other is to be real, to be willing to be vulnerable and say to other people "This is me.  This is my story."

I love people.  I love a good story.

So this is PERFECT for me.  I am so thankful God opened this door of ministry for me.

Ok, maybe not that story, but still!

Thanks for being interested in reading what I write.  I'm very excited to be able to continue to do it, even if only one person ever cares about what I write, it will be well worth it.  And now I need to go to bed.

The End

That ONE thing

So, we all have that ONE thing.  You know, the one thing we want to do, but can't or don't do.

Maybe its fear of failure that holds us back, maybe it's an addiction of sorts, maybe it's just contrary human nature.

And since this is my blog and I get to write all the things, maybe I should confess that I have more than ONE thing.

Yeah, more than one.  I try to figure out how I feel about the things, and sometimes it feels crystal clear and other times, it's as clear as mud.

I'll share mine (and I'm quite certain I have more, but these are the ones that popped right into my head)  First, it drives me NUTS that I don't have a good devotional life and that I lack that "be still-ness" that I know would help soothe my soul.  I also realize that this is a discipline that must be learned.  I want to want to spend quality time in my bible, I just don't.  When I pause and take "me" time, I veg out.  Read a book (just not THE book), I watch TV etc.  So my prayer life has changed.  I just pray that God gives me the desire to be in His word.  It's want I want to do, yet I don't.

Another ONE thing, food.  I have a serious food addiction.  I don't eat constantly, nor do I eat a ton, but I don't eat as healthy as I'd like. Sometimes I just do whatever I want.  And this, my friends, puts me on a crazy cycle of guilt, shame, disappointment, disgust and lots of self loathing,  DO NOT get me wrong here, I honestly don't go around hating my body every day.  But they are days when I catch a sideways glimpse in the mirror and think "ew."  And at the same time, I know I am the only one who can change it and I want to...so why don't I?  I'm still down 20 pounds from my 30 pound weight loss this spring, so that is encouraging.  So I am once again praying that God can help with some fruits of the spirit...self control particularly.

Another ONE thing, being a better mom, wife and homemaker.  I keep a fairly tidy house (as much as I can with 4 small kiddos and ALL of their clutter.)  But I could be better.  I often ignore chores because I'd rather do something else.  I get mad and yell at my kids, more often than I care to admit.  I feel frustrated and annoyed.  But I LONG to put this time in my life and my family's life in it's proper place.  And that place is a place of honor.  Every toilet I clean, every meal I make (that my kids won't eat, AGH!) Every minute I feel like my husband doesn't "care" enough to get me, that I can step back and know- that all of those minutes make the whole.  And I have to choose, is the whole going to be happy and content?  Or is it going to be angry and self centered?  I choose wrong a lot.  And I am thankful everyday that grace is a part of my life.   There isn't anything special about me that makes me lovable even when I act like a butt.  That is all grace that my God, my family, my friends and even strangers choose to extend my way.

What are your ONE things?  What one thing can you do today to take a stand against your issue?  Call a friend?  Ask for prayer?  Turn down one treat, just one, just today.  Pause and count to 5 before yelling at your child?  I could do all of these and I know they would help, yet some days, I just don't.  Even though I want to want to!

I've been wracking my brain for a clever acrostic for ONE.  It took a while, but this is my new ONE saying and I am hoping that it helps me and you.  So please feel free to whisper this to yourself in a moment when your ONE thing is up in your face and you feel defeated.

O- Only
(the)
N-Next
E- Experience

If you can contain, control, deny, fill in your own blank, pray, or take on ONLY the NEXT EXPERIENCE with your issue, it seems less daunting.  Less terrifying.  Just less.

And today, make this your goal!

Have a ONEderful day friends!  We can do it! 

Technical difficulty

Hi guys!  I have been experiencing some technical difficulties with my laptop, eventually culminating into a trip to Geek Available.   I have it back now and here I sit.

Silence.

Crickets chirping.

Writers block.

I kid you not, I was MOVED to be writing while my computer was down and now that I can write...my mind is blank.

I guess I am a little like my laptop.  Works more slowly as it gets older, but still has to hold it together.  And just like my computer, I've crashed.  I've had viruses, I've had to be rebooted.  And there were a few times I didn't think I'd make it.  So thanks for bearing with me through my technical difficulties.

Hoping this week is better for many of us and better for my blog!  Have a happy week friends!

When you feel like you're not enough.

Why am I not enough?

This question has been rolling through my mind in various forms this week.   Why did I do that?  Why didn't I do that?  What's wrong with me?  I can't believe this!  You can add in your own specific form of self doubt, we all have a million ways in which we belittle ourselves, or where we believe the words of  others that have belittled us.

I've had a crappy few days.  Just bad.  Hurt feelings, exhaustion, self doubt, self loathing, and uncertainty.  I've done a lot of things to try and shake it, but they are things that don't work.  Shopping, eating, getting angry at others, myself, life in general.  Didn't do anything to help me, though.  So after I broke down in tears over a stinking PPD test (TB test) at the military clinic, I was just at the bottom of myself.  I can't fix it.  Things are not going right for me.  Nothing is going how I want it to go, or  anywhere close to normal. 

It took me a week, but, um, I get it now.  Sometimes I am so good at "pulling up my boot straps" and dealing with life, I forget that God uses frustrations, anger, hurt feelings, and pain to get my attention.  He's always asking if I will just go through it (which is, quite frankly, my usual MO) or will I grow through it?  Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize He wants me to grow.  I get so wrapped up in daily living, I forget the purpose of living.  It isn't about being the best, having a clean house, having the most brilliant children or the most picture perfect marriage.  It's about love.  Loving others.  If love isn't our motivating force, it's time for a realignment.

I haven't been feeling or acting very loving lately.  And as I calmed down from my crying jag over the aforementioned PPD test, I rolled over the lovely what is wrong with me question for about the billionth time in a week's span.  I was sitting at my kitchen table with my bible, getting ready to do my life group reading for the week.  Turns out, I already did it...so, I was like, crud, what do I read now?  And at the end of the chapter there was a weekly reading suggestion, so I was like "woo!  Thank You!" And I opened my bible and read the following:

 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

Now this, in and of itself would remind me that I am not of this world.  That is enough to make me stop and once again, berate myself for my attitude.  Not really want God intended there, but my human nature has a way of going there.  Now, in my bible, I often take notes.  Today, I read in my own writing:

Conform:

People change you because they care about themselves.

Transformation:

We change because God values us.

 

WOW!  I was blown away.  I've read this very words before, I wrote them down in my bible and today- they blasted through.

I've been so focused on trying to be in control and doing the right thing(according to our world view), that it's taken a toll on me.  I'm trying to conform to someone else's identity for me, and of course, I've been unhappy.  Now, I'm not exactly a people pleaser and I certainly wasn't consciously aware of "conforming"  but that's exactly what I was doing.  God finally got through my "pull up my big girl panties and deal" attitude to tell me, "Trisha, I value you.  I love you.  I care about you."  He doesn't care if my house is spotless, if my children to behave 100% of the time, if I have a million dollars or 1 cent.  He cares about me.  My feelings, my hopes, my dreams.  He wants me to rest in his presence.  He'd love for me to be still, and that one I am still working on, it will probably be a lifelong challenge for me.  I know it's an amazing time to recharge, I am just terrible at being still, and quiet.

Just know this, if you feel like you need a change, or can think of something specific in your life you want to change, God asks us to be transformed.  Even if it's as simple as changing your current attitude!  We change because He values us.  He values us so much.  And when we rest in him and renew our minds, change will happen. 

Transformation is a continually occurring process, so let's take this journey together.  Being bold, remembering our purpose and armed with the knowledge that Jesus values us, we are more precious that diamonds, more valuable than gold.  He values our neighbors, our kids, our friends, our communities.  He values YOU!

When I grow up...

I just submitted an inquiry to SDSU ( San Diego State University- go Aztecs!) about their Bachelors of Arts in Social Work.  I feel kind of sick.

It's just, I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up.  But I do know that I want to help people, so, I start here and go with a goal in mind of doing the Masters program so I can be a counselor. 

Anyway, this is not a huge post.  This is just a "pat myself on the back" moment because I came unfrozen long enough to submit the inquiry. 

I'm petrified of going back to school.  Terrified.  I haven't studied (well, I have gone back to K-3rd) in YEARS, like over a decade. 

I do, however, want my kids to go to college, so I feel I should set a good example, plus, it's always been a personal goal. 

It's just time for me to start working on some of my old dreams and goals.  That is all. 

Levi the loon and his mother too.

Heaven have mercy.

Seriously. 

Have mercy on me.

Or maybe, just Levi.

This kid! 

He's terribly adorable.  Terribly three.  Terribly tantruming.  He's tearing me down one day at a time right now.  I'm not sure I am going to survive this phase.  I know, I know, I've had 3, three year olds beside him and 2 of them at one time!  I survived them.  BUT. THIS. LAST. ONE.

He's a hitter.  A kicker.  A puncher. (thank you Ninja turtles...the downside of an older brother perhaps?)  He tantrums until he pukes.  He's a screamer. 

I'm not waving y'all.  I'm drowning.  Please just pray for us.  Give me a pat on the back if you see me.  Be prepared for tears.  Just keep telling me that we'll both survive and he'll turn out to BE as nice as he looks. 

Because THIS KID seems to be winning lately! 

 

 

He's crying in that picture by the way, not laughing.  And I SO love how my grandparents are ignoring him.  LOL. 

 

 

You know, THIS KID, is a blessing from God.  And I love him with all of my heart and soul and I think that's why this phase is so hard on me.  

 

 





Ahhh, I love him, especially right now, because he's sleeping.  Aren't sleeping babies the best?

That other little blessing is Addison Grace and I surely hope for my sisters sake, she's sleeping right now too.  And on that note, goodnight Inshockfriends!

Bippity boppity bloggity

HI!  ME AGAIN!  This is me, in case you forgot:

Don't I look awesome?  I figured this would be a fun shot for you to giggle over. 

I'm sitting down to write for the first time in a long time.  I really love writing.  I just don't set aside the time for it like I should.  One of my goals for the next 12 months is to grow my blog.  EEEK.  Just saying that makes my stomach feel queasy and my self esteem to quake.  Who really wants to hear (or read) the inner workings my mind churns out?  I'll be reading up on how to "advertise" my blog.  If anyone has any ideas, suggestions or experience, PLEASE, I am begging you for help. 

 

When I started blogging, I really looked at it as a form of online journaling.  My husband thought my writing was great and asked me to share with our friends and family.  Since that time, I have had many people tell me I need to continue writing, be published and build a bigger blog base.  I'm not really sure if it will take off, but I want to try and see.  So.  Share my blog.  Repost my writing.  Pray for the words to come from my mind to the page, to people's hearts.  To be encouraging.  To be uplifting.  To be.  To let others know they aren't alone.  To let others laugh at my crazy. 

 

I've struggled a long time and done many things, and haven't done other things because what my heart had been and is longing for is to be known.  To be known and loved anyway.  To be known and acknowledged.  To be known and important. 

We all are.  ALL OF US.  I want to spread the knowing around.  I want to be the one that says : Hey- you!  Yes, you, I see you over there.  I see you feeling alone, unimportant, overwhelmed, unworthy, unlovable, tired, angry, and needing a place to rest, I see you.  You are important.  You are needed.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are worth holding space for, it's yours, it's unique and it makes a difference in this world. 

We're not all meant to be famous (or infamous,) but we are made with purpose.   And at the very start and end of all of our purpose is to love each other even when we know each other.  That doesn't mean we'll agree with everyone, or even like everyone, but we can be kind and loving.  It's our choice.  Oh how I make the wrong choice a million times a day.  But the beauty is, as long as we're alive, we get another chance.  I don't want to just get through another day, or month or year, I want to live it.  I want love it. 

I want to show it out loud, in a lavish and life breathing way.  And it terrifies me to try and do it publicly because it's a sure bet I will fail.  A lot.  Every day. 

So I'll take some deep breaths, say a lot of prayers, and hope you all will hang on for a wild and wonderful ride. 

Quick update

Hey all!  Just hopping on for a quick minute.  Jason and I did the rounds with the Doctors yesterday.  And I have never felt so relieved.  The hematologist is content with Jason being on the Warfarin for 3 months.  The senior medical advisor on base concurs with his assessment and further stated that there is no need for limited duty or any change to our orders.  The Doctor for Jason's command will sign off on Jason's transfer paperwork August 1st once Jason is officially discharged (from the blood thinners anyway) by the hematologist.  We do believe that there will be an aspirin regiment after that for a few months, but that does not make Jason non deployable.  Anyway, all that means is that everything is on like regularly scheduled! 

The kids and I leave for our cross country trip July 31st.  With the elation I feel at going back to San Diego, there is a slice of my heart that is mourning leaving behind some really wonderful people in Groton.  So here is the official invitation to all my CT peeps:  Please come visit us!  We're willing to house you all on a California vacation.  Both a selfish and helpful plea from me.  :-) 

This is going to be one heck of a summer.  I get to see my sister and niece and nephews, see my BFF, hopefully meet up with Ava's NICU nurses for a meal, stay for a glorious week in Missouri with my awesome family and see my other siblings and nieces and nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles (yay me!) then off to KS to see an old friend, stay over night in a hotel in New Mexico, stop in Arizona to see one of my favorite people and then finally land ourselves in San Diego!  It's going to be a party all across America! 

Thank you to everyone for all the help, the meals, the prayers, the shoulders to cry on over the last month and a half.  God put you in our lives for a specific purpose and you have never failed to answer his call.  We love you! 

Stress and then some.

Aaaand it's been a while.  I really need to be better about posting.  I'd love to develop a bigger following, although, I'm not really sure why.  I don't think I have amazing writing skills or awesome stories, but I do like to be social and this is certainly a way that I socialize.  Ahh, I think maybe only a stay at home mom would consider blogging socializing!  Ha! 

As some of you know, this has been the craziest month for my sweet little family.  Jason had knee surgery April 30th, Ava had issues with her expander and had to have it removed May 2nd. So we took an unexpected trip to Boston Children's.   Jason ended up having blood clots in his leg, they sent him home on blood thinners and we went back to the ER a few days later and he was admitted to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.  Scary stuff.  Very scary.  He was in the hospital for 6 days, home and ended up going back in the hospital on May 26th.

I've coped.  Maybe not so well.  Like in most severe times in my life...I stuff it.  It leaks out much faster than it  used to though.  I remember odd things.  Unimportant things, but things that I can control.  Jason is on the mend, but once again, we find ourselves in the middle of uncertain times. 

We have orders.  We have amazing orders.   I have been so happy since we got our orders.  And ironically, we actually got our hard copy, in our hot little hand orders, while Jason was in the hospital.  Which leads me to now, there is a very good possibility that they may revoke or suspend our orders.   And I am trying and failing not to stress about it.  Although today, I came to the true realization that no matter whether I understand it or not, God is at work in this situation.  His fingerprints are all over it.  And yet, even having that thought and calming way down, I am still hopeful that God wants us to go to San Diego as regularly scheduled. 

We meet with the powers that be next week.  We're hopeful that we'll be given the green light as Jason won't leave here until August, he has a school until Thanksgiving and then checks in at his new command, which will bring him to the 6 month mark where he will no longer be on Blood thinners and will be deployable again.  So, just pray for us.  For peace, for patience (that's my issue!), for wisdom and for confirmation.    Being in limbo is hard for me. 

Ava is doing great.  The twinkles are amazing and Levi is almost 3.  That should make you all shudder.  Or laugh.  Depending on where you are in your walk with Motherhood.  Anywho, I promise to try and get on my blog more.  Make it a happy, welcoming place.  Love to you all!

The Rahab Resemblance

Ok, so sometimes I am really S-L-O-W.  I mean turtle-esque, no sloth slow.  Yeah, sloth slow.  Apparently I am also not a good listener.  I need to work on that.  I feel like the shower is a place where I get my best thinking in...I also feel that God talks to me in the shower.  That seems to be the place where people and issues get placed on my heart.  It seems random, but I know that I know that it isn't.

The last few showers I've had the pleasure of taking (I love living in the era of indoor plumbing!)I have just thought of Rahab's story. (You can read it in Joshua 2:1; 6:17-25; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25)  I've felt drawn to her for a long time, I feel a kinship with her.  And initially I couldn't understand why I could relate so well to a prostitute.  I mean, I was like, really God?  I have parallel personality traits to a hooker?  Works wonders for my self esteem. 

In the bible she is most often called a Harlot, which would mean a woman of loose morals.  I read somewhere that she yielded herself indiscriminately to every man who approached her.   Nice, right? 

But somewhere in the latest shower moments, I've really been thinking.  We've all of us got some Rahab in us.  Maybe we don't indiscriminately offer our bodies to anyone who asks, maybe we yield our morals or our inner selves  to fit in, or we rationalize the yielding we do.  We rationalize over eating, over spending, gossiping, lying, stealing, etc.  What area of your life do you experience Rahab resemblance?

I can think of so many times I channeled my inner Rahab.  She was a thrill seeker, high spirited and independent.  Gee, ok, now I see some resemblance!  I always feel exposed, shamed and uncomfortable sharing certain parts of my life, as Rahab must have felt when she hid the spies.  But it is part of my life experience, part of my testimony.  I was a lot like Rahab in my early 20s.  It   took me a long time to realize you can't find love and respect in sex.  It's not there.  And it eats away at your soul.  One indiscriminate act at a time. 

And then, of course, for me, is the Rahabing of over eating.  I took to that as a way to stuff feelings inside, to give myself a temporary high.  I could rationalize eating too much or too many bad things like a champ.  I still can.  But I am working on my Rahab: The Redeemed years.

There is victory over our Rahab Resemblance.  She ends up marrying one of the spies of Judah she saved!  A prince of Judah!  Grace erased her former life of shame and  her name became sanctified and ennobled.  She is in the genealogy of Jesus himself.  Yeah, that's right.  Jesus has a hooker in his family tree. 

Grace from God takes away our shame, our sin, our guilt.  Rahab's story shows us a life full of grace.  Her courage in hiding the spies was Faith in practice.  And this was before she was saved!  She felt God's calling on her and she believed. Faith changed her heart, her life, her legacy. 

So, now I will purposefully channel my Rahab Resemblance.   My sin, my shame, my fears are covered by God's grace.  Rahab means fierceness and I intend to live my life fiercely.  With a heart full of concern for others and a Faith that saves lives. 

I want to leave a legacy of bravery, faith, courage, and love.  I want that to be my Rahab Resemblance.  

Identity Crisis- My Messy Beautiful

Identity Crisis- My messy beautiful!
 

I'm 35.  At this point in my life, I thought I would know who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.  Turns out, as I've been wondering what to do, who to be, Life happened.  And sometimes it happened in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS. 

I feel like somewhere in the past, when asked the question "Who are you?"  I would have had a laundry list of ways in which to describe myself.  Ask me that question today, and I kind of sputter, and stutter and panic.  What else am I besides a mom?  Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom.  My kids are awesome and strange, annoying and lovely, entertaining and exhausting...the list could go on and on.  I love them.  I would give my very life to protect them. 

But where have I gone?  Where is Trish?  What does she like?  What are her skills?  Where are her hopes and dreams?

Maybe I am the only mom who has ever felt her identity has been lost.  Maybe we all do at times.  Maybe, just maybe it's a good sign that I am having a identity crisis.  It could be signaling a new era in my life. 

I think in order to go forward in this, we first have to go back to before I became a mother.

In 2005, the world was my oyster.  I was 26, getting ready to marry the most amazing man and had a career that completely satisfied me.  I felt loved, valuable, vital, necessary.   I had great friends, a loving family.  Yes, I had my fair share of drama and pain in my life, but life was good.  I was good.   Content. 

I ended up pregnant very soon after the wedding (well, there went the let's wait a year idea!) I ended up finishing out my enlistment in the Army and moved to be with my husband.  A week after I moved to Ohio where he worked in Navy Recruiting, we welcomed our first children, TWINS!  Early.  Too early.  15 weeks early to be exact.  I was petrified.  We were out of town.  Alone.  Scared.  Stressed. Hopeful. Sad.  And added to all those emotions, I felt guilty.  How could I have not felt this coming?  How could my body fail me?  How could it fail my babies?  And in those first two weeks of the NICU, my confidence in self disappeared. 

Ava and Sophia, my beautiful babies, in constant struggle for life because of my failure.  At least, that is how I felt.  When Sophia passed away at 2 weeks, I feel I took all those things that made me uniquely me and locked them away, deep inside.  As If I was not worthy enough of having good things.  I floundered.  I flopped.  I flummoxed.  I simply couldn't deal with it.  And I had Ava in the NICU and she needed me.  My grief took second seat.  I zipped it up and put it away. 

Ava came home from the NICU after 3 months and  I told myself I should be thankful, grateful for Ava and I was, boy was I ever.  But a part of me was sad.  I was supposed to come home with 2 babies and I felt a piece  of me was missing, a piece of my family was missing. Again, I didn't let myself feel the pain. 

We'll fast forward here, I went on to have twins again, with some scares along the way, a month NICU, and then a cross country move.  I stayed busy!  A 2 year old and twinfants.  Decided to have one more baby and FINALLY, figured out how to have just one (thank you Jesus!)  And our family was complete.  As complete as it ever will be on earth.  Now my youngest is  2.5 and the feelings I have stuffed inside for so long are literally spilling out through any and every crack and crevice it can find.  And I find myself wishing I didn't have to deal with it all.

I know that I have to take that pain out and face it head on.  But it hurts.  It hurts so badly, it feels like I am back in the NICU rocking my baby as she takes her last breath all over again.  I want to run away from the pain.  I don't want to face it again.  But I didn't really face it before, I stuffed it down and secretly blamed myself. 

In my head, I know, logically, I am not to blame.  I took care of myself, I was under medical supervision and none of us saw this coming.  In my heart, my mother's heart, I started my motherhood journey feeling like a failure. 

I've come to realize that I can let tragedy, circumstance, life as it happens, define me.  But it also comes down to who I want to identify myself as being.  I can live in a place of sadness, I could become known as "the lady who lost her daughter." Or I can make peace with that part of my life.  There is no reason that would ever be acceptable to me that would make losing Sophia any easier and she will always be a part of me, my identity, my life, my family.  I'll always be her mother.  But I am also Ava, Tessa, Elijah and Levi's mom.  I'm Jason's wife.  Toni's sister.  Beth's friend.  I'm learning that my identity includes good, bad and sad parts.  I'm the sum of many parts.  And each tragedy, joy, tear, and laugh has made me into who I am today.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still don't have an answer when someone asks me what type of hobbies I'd enjoy.  But I do know that I am worth it.  I'm worth the good things.  We all are.  We are brave and scared.  We are sad and happy.  We are timid and bold.  We are beautiful and messy.  We are brutiful, just as life is brutiful. 

 

Be known. Be loved. Be well.

I think I know what it is people need.  What people want.  People want to be known.  They want to be known and loved anyway.  It is a need in their soul. 

I think about this a lot.  I know being known is a major need for me.  Deep seated.  If I feel like people don't know me and I have no connection, I feel lost.  Sad.  Depressed.  Angry. 

Having people know you and love you, it's like a balm for the soul.  For your soul.  People need connection.  I know some people out there are far more solitary than I am.  I am an EXTROVERT in all CAPS with lots of !!!!!  It's true.  Being quiet is not relaxing for me.  I feel stressed in  alone times.  But yet, what I am saying here isn't that you need to be around lots of people (even though I like that) what I am saying is that people need people. 

Somehow, we as a society, have gotten into a weird worldview of not needing people, not needing help, being offended and insulted when someone tries to help.  I wish we could turn that thought on its head.  I know I feel the most contentment  when I feel known.  Validated.  Understood.  Loved. 

When I think of the people I know and see as the most happy, most content, most joyful, most well loved, I am always blown away by what those people have overcome.  The tragedy.  The pain.  The sadness.  The obstacles.  "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths." ~Elisabeth Kubler- Ross. 

And what got them through in every situation? I am willing to bet it all on faith and other people.  Friends, families, a random act or word from a stranger.  We have to be vulnerable enough to say I need help!  I need love!  I need you! 

So even if we are capable of making it through alone, let's just let other people love us through their actions.  Let's love others through our actions.  It's hard.  But we can do hard things. 

 

 

So excited.

I'm so stoked.  As long as my delayed entry isn't a problem ( I missed the email cause it was around Ava's surgery) I will be getting to link my blog on Momastery! {https://momastery.com/}
I was invited to be part of the Messy Beautiful Warrior project!!  Squeal!!!  So excited!!! Now I just need to figure out what I should blog about...Something in my testimony of life.  I guess I'll be praying about it and seeing what feels right. 

This is totally how excited I am:

Seriously, now I feel nervous. Please no writers block!!

Definition by numbers, No more. Hidden by numbers, no more.

As I sit down to write this, I have to tell you...I don't want to.  I don't want to be open and honest about all that is going on in my head.  I don't want to know someone will read this and judge me or mock me or simply not understand where I am coming from. I don't want to look at it myself. 

I'm on a journey.  One I haven't been all out in the open about.  It's one I need to take the most.  But the one I don't want to do and think that I can't do.  But as I do it, I'm learning can't/want/need are all just words in my brain, not indications of success or failure.

My journey is one of health and wellness and weight.  Can't leave that last little jewel out.  Weight.  When I say that word it makes me cringe.  Seriously, my eyes squint and my lips turn downward and my face just scrunches up on itself.  I want to say something here.  And I say it for myself more than anyone else, but I hope it helps you too.  My weight does not define me.  My weight is, at the most basic, how much my body weighs.  Not who I am.  Can it describe me?  Sure, but it does not DEFINE me.  And I am learning, I have let it define me too long, and for me personally, I have let it define me intentionally. 

I'm a food addict.  I turn to it in happiness, sadness, worthlessness, apathy, anger and so on.  On this journey, I am not only changing my eating, but I am attacking, yes, attacking my emotional and mental health as well.  I've never been a skinny person, but I was never fat either until about 8 years ago.  We'll come back to this momentarily.

As I have been losing weight and digging deeper into my physche about food, I've been using a book called 'Made to Crave.'  It is a book by a Christian author, but for my "not-yet-believing" friends, if you feel like you can relate to this blog in anyway, I suggest checking it out.  It's been eye opening to me.  The first 2 chapters made me realize I would be digging deeper and dealing with hurts that I have been stuffing down for so long, what I've actually been doing is burying them under fat.  Quite literally.  Layers and layers of subcutaneous fat.

This blog could be like heaven for a psychologist, oh what gems they could learn about me.  And let's say, I am not unaware of them.  Let's deal with my core issue here.  I feel unworthy. 

Yes, unworthy. 

I feel unworthy of the good things in life.  Health, wealth, happiness.  But I crave them.  I know that all core issues have roots.  Mine started rooting as a child when my dad left.  I can't remember anything, but I am sure that I thought "what did I do?"  "Why am I not enough?" "If I had just been _____ enough"  (fill in the blank) 

But I was lucky.  Even having had these thoughts, I had a family that was amazing and I knew without a doubt that they loved me.  But there is a void that is left, no matter how small.  That void has a voice that is easily activated. 

So we'll fast forward through some stuff, readers digest version: developing earlier than all the other girls, it made me curvy, not fat.  I didn't know the difference.  Never having a serious boyfriend when I was younger led me to think I wasn't attractive, that something was wrong with me, physically.  Which led me to a cycle of using my body in ways that were not kind to myself and never led to love.  Which is what I as craving.  Fell in love (twice) with great guys who were incredible friends to me, but again no romantic relationship...so again, what is it that I am missing?  What am I missing?  A question that chased me up until my husband.  And yet, even he deals with my baggage- which is a different blog entirely.  So, we'll stay on point.  Joined the Army!  Hooah!  I belonged.  I loved my time in the Army.  I love my fellow soldiers, I love my country.  I love the identity it gave me.  Married Jase (hooray!)  Got pregnant, got out of the Army.  And then, 8 years ago, became a mom. 

Remember how I said we'd get back to 8 years ago?  Well, we're there.  As I have been attacking my emotional issues with food, I believe this is the root.  No, not becoming a mom.  But becoming one so tragically.  I was never the type who wanted to grow up, get married and have kids right away.  I wanted to go and see and be!  And I did.  And then I wanted to be a mom, but there was time for that.  And then, I missed my period.  Ready or not, here motherhood comes. 

Then the news: Twins!  Holy cow.  What on earth do I know about being a mom?  And yet there was this bond, this incredible bond between my unborn children and I.  Oh the dreams I had for them.  The expectations of being a mom, having healthy, happy babies.  Well, that wasn't to be my story. 

Ava and Sophia, sweet little babes.  They were in hurry, much like their mama usually is and came too soon.  Ava survived and Sophia did not.  Grieving for one, while desperately praying and willing one to survive is a dance I was terribly poor at...

Ava came home.  I was ecstatic.  And yet, I started gaining weight and more and more and more.  60 pounds on my body, in less than 3 months.  Depression, I'm sure was the culprit. 

But the real culprit?  My own unkind thoughts to myself.  What my food issues really come down to is that I feel I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve health and wellness.  Why?  In my own warped way, my mind decided that I failed at  the ONE thing I was created for, physically.  I failed at having a baby.  Now, I know that some people will start scoffing here or being offended and I don't intend it, this is just how I know I feel.  God made me to have babies and I failed at it.  Yes, I know I have four children.  And I know I am blessed.  I also know that I have to work at getting myself to a point where I know what happened wasn't my fault, in my head I believe this.  In my heart, I blame myself.  But the truth, the ugly, vulnerable, brutal truth is that I believe I failed Sophia.  And it cost her life.  That's something I can never change. 

Logically, I know that there was nothing I could do.  I didn't cause it, or wish for it or make it occur in any way.  But my body betrayed me and it betrayed her.  And for 8 years, I've been punishing it and myself. 

That hurts me to say.  I sit here crying and I hate knowing that.  I've been denied the pleasure of her and my mind didn't think that was enough, so I've been punishing my body too.  I don't know where to go from here with that.  I just know it IS.  I have given over my hurt to God and to you, my friends and the healing will come from there. 

I choose to believe each time I am kind to myself, make good choices for myself that I make Sophia proud.  And not just her, but my living blessings.  Ava, Tessa, Elijah and Levi deserve a happy, healthy mom.  One who shows them hard things can be done, hard choices can be made, happiness deserved.  For all of us. 

Each pound has it's own story.  Each person has their own story.  I can no longer hide behind the fat that I have used to punish and protect me.  I am not a number.  I'm a girl who has finally decided to take over her thoughts and actions and prove that I am worth it.  We all are. 

Having Vitality in Vulnerability.

I know I'm not always the best at blogging frequently, I want to.  My heart is in it...sometimes my brain just can't keep up.  I've been doing some thinking in my time away from here (yes, I can hear you my friends, rolling your eyes and commenting how dangerous that is!)

I wouldn't say I have ever coasted along in life.  I've worked hard.  In school.  At my jobs.  As a Soldier.  As a mom.  I've been blessed to have many helping hands along the way.  I haven't been pushed down and held back by anyone.  Anyone other than myself that is. 

When I look back and see how I was, I simply smile.  Yes, I have issues from my childhood, everyone does.  But when I look back, I see a happy, friendly, outgoing, lover of people.  I'm still those things today, but not like a shiny new penny as I was then.  I've got some dirt, grime, dings, dents and shadows to me these days. 

I've recently embarked on a lifestyle change.  It's hard.  I hate it.  I love it.  I'm encouraged.  I'm overwhelmed.  I started thinking about how I wanted to be shiny again.  And I realized, I can still shine with the dirt and dents I've picked up along the way.  I had to realize that the dings and dents and dirt don't make me any less worthy of shine. 

It's going to be a struggle for me to keep up the hard work that accompanies change.  And that seriously makes me mad and shocked all at the same time.  I am a hard worker.  I like to do.  I like to be and I really like to be in charge.  So why is it I've neglected being in charge of myself? 

I know.  Or at least I am coming to know.  And a lot of it goes back to becoming a parent.  I am in NO way saying my kids caused me to neglect myself, although having twin infants really does cause that for a short amount of time.  My foray into the world of parenting was fraught with trauma, sadness, and joy.  Miracles and messes. 

I've always struggled with my worth.  We could get into the psychology of it all, and maybe one day I will, as I love that stuff.  But for now, we'll just suffice it to say that I know where that struggle is rooted.  But I kept it in check. 

And then life happened.  In a dark way and it broke that hold I had on keeping unworthiness in check.  Only I was too broken to see that.  And my focus had shifted.  Ava was here and still alive and she needed me.  So, I've stuffed everything inside and been a mom.  And I LOVE being a mom.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But I lost the part of Trisha that isn't a mom.  And as my kids have gotten older and less "need-me-to-survive"...the feelings I've stuffed into a box in the back corner of my mind have been busting out. 

It's painful to go through some of the hurts I've buried.  It's also liberating at times.  Other times, I want to run away from it. 

I've always felt as a former Soldier and now as a military spouse I was good with change.  And to a certain point, I am.  But I'm afraid of the changes I need to make in me.  Will people still like me?  Will the people I trust with my vulnerabilities encourage me or crush me?

I guess part of the journey is not knowing.  And not giving up or losing faith when I fail.  When others fail me.  You can't reach a destination without a few bumps or detours.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...to be alive is to be vulnerable." ~Madeleine L'engle.

Well, friends, I'm feeling very grown up lately.  And maybe, that's what it's all about.

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability.html#ZjjaHFrUqqcOTs7L.99

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability.html#ZjjaHFrUqqcOTs7L.99

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability.html#ZjjaHFrUqqcOTs7L.99

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability.html#ZjjaHFrUqqcOTs7L.99

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability.html#ZjjaHFrUqqcOTs7L.99

Fade to black

I recently read an amazing article on things you should not say to Grieving Parents.  And it said so many things that made me stop and yell (inside my head anyway) "YES! THIS!  EXACTLY THIS!!!"

Considering the time of year, it's all on my mind.  In 12 days, it will be the 8th anniversary of Sophia's passing and what I have learned is that grieving, especially the loss of a child, is a grief that never heals.  Time can scab it over, lessen the intensity of the pain, but it takes one small memory, one small scent, one small anything and the scab is ripped off and the wound is a fresh, gaping wound again. 

I don't really talk about it all that often.  Of Sophia, yes.  I talk about her daily and think of her with every breath I take, but I don't talk a lot about how it makes me feel, because, well, it makes me FEEL. 

And feeling it is so painful.  There are moments from the day she died that are etched into a permanent memory of my mind.  Some significant, some completely unimportant and others are thoughts of regrets.  The star burst moments of strange clarity that I remember are all by products of physical and emotional shock and they will stay burned into my memory for all time. 

A friend of mine in California is going through a loss, a child not biologically hers, but such a part of her family that it's as if he were her own child.  And that is what really made me write this yearly blog a few weeks early. 

The quote I read that touched me so deeply was this:

 "My child died. I don't need advice. All I need is for you to gently close your mouth, open wide your heart, and walk with me until I can see in color again."

People say things meaning well, but often their words, instead of comfort, are a bitter root of hurt, self doubt, blame and pain~pain~pain. Having a friend who is just there is amazing.  Someone willing to let you talk about anything other than the child you lost, or talk about nothing other than the child lost.  Someone who doesn't place time lines and behavior codes on your grief.  Someone who doesn't think that there is a specific road map or timeline for grieving. 

I guess all my rambling here is just to offer hope for those in similar places.  Your grief is yours alone.  It's unique, it's evolving, it IS.  I implore you to grieve at your own pace, but I also implore you to continue living life. 

It's an unnatural bit of business burying your own child and nothing in the world can ever prepare you for the trauma that comes with it.  Nothing I can say or do will ever impact the truth of those words. 

So if you're a friend of someone who has experienced child loss, walk with them when their world is faded to black and the color seems gone from their lives.  And walk with them when they come to the spring of their mourning and they start to bloom in color.  And hold their hand in the moments it all fades back to black.  Be the color in their lives when they can't muster any of their own. 

Remember these words:
"You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you"

And I say that, because friends, I hope I NEVER have the opportunity to repay you in the same way, for walking by my side in the shadow of Sophia's death. I wish I had the power to stop child death for the whole world.  Being a friend to someone in this way is saddening, tiring, overwhelming and at times incredibly frustrating.  Please know, you're important to our healing process.  You're important to us.  We appreciate your shoulders, your ears, your hearts.  I try to use my own words here and in general, but sometimes other people say it so well.  And Henri Nouwen really pegged what I have been trying to say: "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing...not curing...that is a friend who cares." We thank you friends for the tolerance and the endurance of a race that you are always in, sometimes the race is at a hydration station and it's a moment of rest.  Sometimes in a painful marathon that never seems to end.  Sometimes it's a hundred meter dash that is run so fast, so furious, you can't even catch your breath.  The catch here is the race has no end, has no winner.  It's a life long race of perseverance and endurance. We know you're with us and it means the world, thank you for running the race with us. 

"I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable.  It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear.  Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better-like getting over the flu.  That's not how it was." Meghan O'Rourke

For those of you who are interested (and honestly, I strongly urge you all to read it) here is the link to the article of parent bereavement:

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/

I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear. Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better - like getting over the flu. That's not how it was.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/grief_3.html#AHtAIScjkJYub1ZL.99

I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear. Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better - like getting over the flu. That's not how it was.
Meghan O'Rourke
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/grief_3.html#AHtAIScjkJYub1ZL.99

I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear. Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better - like getting over the flu. That's not how it was.
Meghan O'Rourke
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/grief_3.html#AHtAIScjkJYub1ZL.99

I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear. Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better - like getting over the flu. That's not how it was.
Meghan O'Rourke
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/grief_3.html#AHtAIScjkJYub1ZL.99

Time of your life

It's that time of my life again.

We have started chatting with our detailer.  The man who holds the next 3.5 years of our lives.  Nothing brings me more excitement, or terror.  Joy or disappointment.  STRESS!

I like to plan.  I like lists.  I like knowing.  This game we play of "go there, don't go there" gets old fast.  Our first look came up and suffice it to say, we said no to Japan, no to Germany.  Those were our choices.  We've been told that there are two combat camera positions coming up in San Diego.  We've asked and Jason's outgoing command has asked, for us to have special consideration since we are leaving shore duty 8 months early.  The detailer has told us that San Diego should be no problem, but no written orders = a nervous, uncertain Trish. 

My hearts desire is San Diego.  Yes, I would love to be closer to my family, but there is no sea duty that would fulfill that, and San Diego, well, it feels like home. 

I don't know where we'll end up.  Certainly wherever God has plans for us.  I sure hope His will and my will are the same on this!

At any rate, we're on our last winter here and I am so thankful.  I am not made for cold.  I am thankful for all the wonderful people our lives have intertwined with since arriving here, and as is the case everywhere we go, I will be sad to leave them behind.  On the positive side of that token, Jason and I have been blessed and have friends almost anywhere we want to visit...and some in places we don't want to visit! 

Every time we gear up for this transition in our lives, this song pops into my mind:

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

It just encompasses all the emotions that I can feel.  In all the good, the bad, the crazy, the hectic, the sadness, I always have the time of my life, with the people in my life because God has blessed me with this life and it's always worth the while.

Seasons

I have been in a season lately   Not really sure what  to call it, but it is hopefully just a season.

I've had eye opening moments and it turns out, I don't really like myself much sometimes. 

I feel angry and disillusioned and crabby and that no matter what, I just refuse to let myself be pleased.  And I have no idea why this is, but I know I don't like it.  I'm not even really sure why I started thinking this or what behavior of mine set it off, but I have to stop it.  Which if I'm being honest, I don't really want to do because it's such hard work. 

Ahh, hard work.  Why do we not like you?  Oh, ok, I know why.  It was a rhetorical question really.

And then I sit down and I read an article online, or a Facebook status, meme or some other type of social media item and I just feel small.  Not enough.  Failure.

I don't look at my children every second of the day as my reason to get up in the morning, my purpose in life, my sunshine.  What's wrong with me?  Is something wrong with me?  Or am I just being honest?  Yes, it is in fact true that my children are why I get out of bed in the morning...mainly cause they want to be fed and have to go to school.  Do I love them?  With EVERY. SINGLE. BEAT. of my heart.  Nothing would ever make me trade my life for anything else.  They just exhaust me and overwhelm me and I feel like they only pick up on my bad habits.  How I snap when I am frustrated.  Sigh when I am annoyed. 

And then that doesn't even start into how I can be with my husband.  Tired, cranky, unlovable, irrational. 

I know we all fail.  There is no such thing as June Cleaver.  My children won't grow up to be "less" or deprived if I don't make reindeer pancakes and knit them hats and socks.  Also, they aren't going to die if they've ever ingested a GMO (which lets be clear- I do think GMOs are not good for us and need to be clearly labeled) or red dye #9 or had too much sugar.  Being a parent is so much pressure.  We're given these precious lives to shape and it's work.  And stress.  And periods of sheer torture.  I just wish there was more community and less Judge and Juror involved in parenting.  Including my own internal judge and juror. 

I don't usually make New Years Resolutions and I'm not going to this year either, but I am making a life resolution.  I resolve to withhold judgment and hand out grace.  I plan to do less advice giving and more hand holding.  I plan to whisper love instead of speaking anger.  Because those are the things I want my children to do.