What a beautiful mess I'm in...

I was blessed to see "Journey to the Potter's house" this month. (see here for more information:http://www.ajourneytothepottershouse.com/  )It was amazing and such an awesome word for me.  During the presentation, I was so taken by something the potter said.  He shared how it is impossible for us to forget a memory.  We may not be able to recall it on a whim, but it will come to us, often when we least expect it.  Something will bring it to the forefront of our minds.  Maybe a smell triggered it, apple pie baking reminds us of a day spent with Grandma or sun tan lotion takes us back to our honeymoon.  Whatever it is, we've all been brought back by a memory.  Good or bad.

The context in which memories were discussed was on forgiving and forgetting.  I am here to say not only is that thinking damaging to us, it's also physically impossible. (minus amnesia I suppose, but I'm not talking about that.) The phrase forgive and forget distorts what forgiveness really is.  Forgiveness does not excuse the behavior of the person who sinned against you.  Forgiveness gives YOU the ability to move away from whatever has occurred. You can be set free by forgiving. 

Generally, forgiveness is a decision (a choice) to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.  
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

A lot of people point out that the bible has a verse on forgiveness and forgetting, and they like to ask, what do you have to say about that? 

Hebrews 8:12 says "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

It's important to know here the "I" speaking is God.  This is the only place in the bible it speaks of forgiving and forgetting.  I think that has significant meaning.  He never asks us to forgive AND forget because he created our bodies and He knows that forgetting a memory, or an experience is not something we can physically do.  He's asking us to make a choice.  Do we want to hold on to anger, frustration, revenge or do we want to choose to free ourselves the stranglehold it has on our lives?  The memory is always there.  Our brain (amazing thing, isn't it?) takes it all in.  Files it away for future reference. 

I spent many years, MANY YEARS, holding on to anger, bitterness, bafflement, resentment at my dad.  Why did he leave?  What was wrong with me that made him stay away?  Those thoughts turned to more trite statements of He doesn't know what he's missing out on, He's the one who will suffer in the end, He'll regret this and so and so forth.  I don't know that I ever wanted revenge so to say, but I wanted some sort of justice.  Some sort of vindication.  Some acknowledgement that he hurt me. 

And one day...one day  I realized I spent so much of my life, with my thoughts, time and attitude caught up in this crazy cycle and I realized, the hurt was consuming me.  Consuming me.  And it wasn't touching his life at all.  I was living in a prison.  Yes, I was hurt.  There is nothing that will change that.  All of the things he did or didn't do were done.  There was no changing it.  The only thing I could change was me.  How I thought, felt and acted about it. 

I won't say that I felt immediately lighter or that I never struggle with forgiving my dad, but I learned such a lesson.  First, forgiveness is about you, not the other person.  And secondly, forgiveness is a choice.  And sometimes you have to make that choice every single day.  Some days are easier than others. 

And sometimes memories aren't telling the whole truth.  I love this quote : Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.  ~Barbara Kingsolver.


I don't really know where I wanted to go with this when I started writing today.  I think I just wanted to set myself free from the myth of forgiving and forgetting.  They do not go hand in hand.  And maybe, it was something someone needed to hear today.  I've been reading a book called "God Loves Broken People (And Those Who Pretend They're Not) by Sheila Walsh and I love it.  If you're Facebook friends with me, you've seen me post a lot from it.  The most moving thing I have read is : Old wounds have  disgustingly good memories, but abysmally poor interpretive skills.

It has made me think, really think about some of my old wounds.  And I'll be honest, I hate it.  I hate thinking about my old wounds.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized some wounds need to be opened and purged or they will never heal.  And that requires quite a bit of pain, tears and grit to get it done.  Every scar has a story to tell.  And our scars are really what connect us in this world.  Just as our physical scars have stories (sometimes funny, sometimes tragic) our emotional scars do too.  And the most powerful thing we can do with those is to tell other people.  And maybe then, we'll stop believing that we're alone and no one knows how we feel.  We're created to be together, to be for each other, exactly as we are right now.  Right here in our beautiful mess. 

Some challenge results!

This blog isn't going to blow your mind or anything, but I did say I would let you know how it worked out for us! 

Levi was not a participant in case you were wondering.  We did however, ask that after we all had described ourselves to say 3 things that described each family member.  And across the board, we were all better at describing each other than ourselves. And nicer. 

Ava saw herself as:
Funny
Crazy (a friend of hers at school calls her crazy lady)
A little bit shy
Sometimes sad, mad or frustrated
She knows something very important:  God always loves her no matter what mood she is in!
She's good at: soccer, basketball, baseball and gymnastics.

She was described as:
A big sister (Elijah)
Friendly, happy, kind and loving (Tessa)
Sweet, loves to read, loves Jesus (mom)
Sweet, loving and caring heart, talented and clever (dad)

Tessa saw herself as:
A blonde with brown eyes
Good at ballet
Happy
Laughs a lot
believes in God
Likes unicorns
And my favorite thing she said:  I like the way I'm made!! (Could we all say this???  What a wonderful world that would be!!)

We described her as:
Little (Elijah)
Funny, exciting, and a very good sister (Ava)
Soft voiced, emotional, sings to her own tune and stubborn (dad)
Silly, friendly, fun, likes to Hug (mom)

Elijah saw himself as:
Good at soccer, well, all sports really (his words y'all)
Goofy
Strong

We described him as:
Goofy, sweet natured, sensitive (mom)
Amazing, talented, emotional (dad)
Happy, kind, loving (Tessa)
Crazy, super and a good brother (Ava)

We all described Levi:

Funny, gross, and he likes to scream a lot (Ava)
A baby (Elijah)
I love my baby brother, he screams a lot.  I like the way he smiles.  (Tessa)
Lights up a room with his smile, screams a lot, loves his daddy (Dad)
Silly, 2 years old (that means a lot) and sweet. (Mom)

Jason and I made our own lists, which I will share some of, but my main goal yesterday was to see what words I had used on my kids.  I am eternally grateful that it seems despite my human nature, my children are happy and well adjusted and apparently do not see me as a dictator.  Phew.  Relief! 

My list:
Funny
Critical
Moody
Friendly
Outgoing
Fat
Opinionated
A Christian
A mom
a wife
a sister
a confidante
spoiled (but not rotten)
Hard to please
unworthy
a good cook
a scaredy cat
like to be right
easy to anger
Bossy
Fun
stubborn

I was described as:
Having negative self image, loves her family, has creative and fun ideas to bring our family together, and sweats the small stuff (Jason)
Best mom ever (Elijah)
Nice, She loves me, I love her (Tessa)
Loving, caring and good looking (Ava)

Jason's list:
A Father
A son
A Sailor
People Pleaser
Jokester (who doesn't know when to quit)
Likes to build things
Strives to be a better parent
A fixer
A know it all

We described him as:
Loving, Caring, and silly (Ava) <---- obviously knows her good looks are from mom.  HAHA
Best dad ever (Elijah)
I like him, he's kind and loving (Tessa)
Sensitive, Loving, Moody (Trish)

The kids got it and yet didn't at the same time.  I am so thankful that they are happy to be who they are and I am going to try and support that as much as I humanly can as they grow.  God will use them and their unique personalities and talents in great ways!    I love how kids see the best in people and are willing to forget the worst of our personalities.  God's gift to parents everywhere!! 

Over the next month or so, I am really going to look at my list and see what I find to be true, what I find to be false and what I find I want to change.  It's going to be hard, enlightening and freeing.  Hope you all had luck with your lists!! 

Who do you think you are?

I know people may have assumed that this title should be said with a head swagger, finger wagging, sassy sort of way.  And if you didn't , go ahead and try it now.  I'll wait. 

But that's not what I meant!  I mean it quite literally.  Who do you think you are?  If you had to sit down and write out a list of who you are, what would it say? 

I have a challenge for anyone who is willing to accept it.  And before I throw it out there, let me just say, we'll be doing this at my dinner table tonight.  Write it out.  Who do you think you are?  I both look forward to and dread seeing what my children might write.  As I was reading today, this verse was part of the text:

Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

Proverbs 18:21

 

Wow.  I so hope I see that my words have given my children life and not poison, and the same for my husband, and sisters and brother and parents, friends, enemies, everyone.  I do not want my words to be poison for anyone.  And sadly I know I have used my words as poison.  I want my words to bring life, I have to continually control my thoughts and emotions to do so.  This is going to be something I try and work on everyday.  I love words.  I love to speak them, sing them and write them.  Sometimes, I even make up my own words.  And since I fling words around like confetti, it is my choice to make them be life affirming. 

 

Tonight when I peek through my fingers to see what my children write, I will ask God for forgiveness for any harshness I see exposed that I contributed to and I will pray for healing for my children in that area, that their wounds will be bound and seen no more.  I will also praise God for the wondrous ability he gave children to see more clearly who they are than those of us who have aged and been wounded by life.  Then I will do my absolute best to confirm that my children ARE and CAN be all of those things they see as great in themselves, and they can use them to fulfill dreams and their purpose. 

 

There is a second part to the challenge though.  I'm asking you to take a step out of your comfort zone here.  I want you to call, email, send a letter, Facebook message, WHATEVER way you can, communicate to someone you have used your words as poison.  It's ok to start small.  I'm not saying you should call the person that has hurt you most  (although if you think you are ready- I am so proud of you!) and call it a day.  The thing about forgiveness is that is doesn't excuse the behavior of the person you are forgiving, it releases you from the prison (anger, pain, abandonment) you have been trapped in by their actions.  But that is a whole other post.  I digress. 

 

Communicate with someone who you feel your words may have poisoned.  Ask them to forgive you and then give them some life affirming words.  You'll have to give about 10 times as many affirming words to overcome the negative poison words. 

 

I truly believe that deep down we want to be built up and yet we often so struggle to do that for others.  One day soon, I am going to write out a mission statement for my life and one of the first statements will be : I want to lift and encourage others with my words.  I choose to be a life giver. 

Let's break the crazy cycle of poison words and just encourage each other.  No matter what is happening in our own lives, we can be positive for other people. 

 

Sometimes we don't feel worthy to encourage others, but we are!  I read this statement today and I feel it down to my toes:

 

"Don't go through this baloney of "I can't forgive myself."  No, you can't forgive yourself.  No one can.  God forgives us and we accept His forgiveness and we are forgiven.  God will say to you in His word "Woman, I forgive you because I died in your place for that dirty little sin."  (Luis Palau)

 

We've all said it, Why can't I forgive myself?  And now it's clear, we can't.  We must accept God's forgiveness and then we are cleansed.  We may not feel it, but when we choose to believe it daily, we will begin to feel it! It's not feel it and then believe, it's believe and then feel it. 

 

So who's taking the identity challenge with me???  Once you've made your list, I pray that over the next week or  month, you'll go through each thing you wrote down, reflect on it and decide if it's true.  If it is a lie, something you've been told so often, you believed it to be true, I want you to mark it out.  Lies have no place in our identity! 

 

I would LOVE to hear how this works out for you all and you can be assured, I'll be sharing with you!!   You can message me here, or if you want privacy you can email me at inshockmom@gmail.com

 

"Let your only evaluation of worth derive from the awareness of God's love for you. All other measures leave one in a state of delusion."  Anonymous

 

 

Comparison kills!

My mom makes me strong! 

How often do we as moms feel that we do that for our children?

We get so good at trashing our self and tearing ourselves apart because we can't be the Pinterest mom that does this:

Or maybe that is just me that feels less because I don't do this?  Guess what?  I can't do this either:

 

 



 

 

There are a LOT of things I can not do in this life.  Some I really want to do and others, well, my inability doesn't bother me at all.  I could run through an entire list of things I don't do well and give you reasons why I believe it. 

But I'm finally learning to say NO! to that type of thinking.  Who says I have to focus so much on shoring up my weaknesses?  Who says I can only focus on what I can't do?  Yes, working on weaknesses can be good, can be necessary, but what we can't do, does NOT define us.  I'm weary of being told constantly what it is that is wrong about me according to the small few who dictate what is ok or not in our society.  I may never fly to the moon, pose on the cover of Vogue or sing songs so well I record a platinum record and that is ok.  I have a list of things I can do and so do you!

I can teach my children about God and his love.
I can encourage and lift up my husband.
I can keep 4 kids and a husband alive.  (I have a pretty impressive 9 year record there!  GO ME!)
I can talk.
I can write.
I can laugh.  I can make other people laugh!
I can read and pass on the love of reading to my children.
I can cook.
I can organize.
I can play sports and pretty well at that.
I can play games on a rainy Saturday with my kids.
I can plan family date nights and scavenger hunts.
I can make friends and keep in touch with the golden oldies I have...
I can use my every breath to love, encourage and inspire others.

I can't do any of this on my own power though.  God gave me all of these abilities because it pleases him for me to use them.  I don't always use them properly, I don't always think of them as gifts or abilities.  Sometimes, I just don't want to do anything for anyone else.  I want to do only what I want.  Then I sigh REALLY loud, suck it up and realize parenting is all about sacrifice.  But the joy from that sacrifice is without compare! 

So I am vowing to stop comparing myself to other moms.  The thing about comparison is, we are comparing our BLOOPER reel to their highlight reel.  And the mom we wish we more like is probably beating herself up because she can't do XYZ either.  So let's start encouraging each other because the one thing we all want to teach our children is how to love. 

God loves us, He created us because we please Him exactly as we are, not as we should be.
"Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God!
Take the glory! the honor! the power!
You created it all;
It was created because you wanted it." Rev 4:11 The Message

He WANTED us, so he created us.  Wow.  We are exactly right.  God created us for his pleasure.  We please him by simply being us. 

And even after I throw myself under the bus, cry in the bathroom, feel inadequate, wish I could take back those harsh words I just spoke to my sweet 7 year old daughter, I'll remember that Tessa (my five year old) said: 

"My mom makes me strong!"

Wild Women of Faith

I went to Women of Faith this weekend in Hartford.  It was amazing, it was enlightening, it was FUN!  I laughed and I cried and I laughed and I cried. 

The speakers this weekend were Sheila Walsh, Lisa Harper, Angie Smith, and Liz Curtis Higgs.  They also featured Mark Lowry (absolutely hysterical!) and Stovall Weems.  I got to see a concert by Third Day! 

A small group shot o top, and one of Angie Smith and I:

The weekend was full of Revelation for me.  I could probably go on and on for hours about it.  I'll spare you and hit the highlights! 

1) YOU were created by God FOR God's pleasure.  You exist simply because you please God.  He made you because you bring him joy.

2) Doubt is an emotion, Believing is a choice.

3) God hears.  God answers.  The space in between is God's time.

4) Strive to look like God, not like God's people.

5) Guilt tells us we did something wrong, shame tells us we ARE something wrong.

6) I'm not unwilling, I just don't know how.

7) Be thankful for what you have, it will become what you want!

8) Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”  The Greek word for lost used here is Apollymi.  It means "ruined, broken beyond repair"  Jesus came for us in our mess!

9)  Our job/finances/life circumstance do not define our core identity.  Our identity is in Christ alone.

10)  God loves the impossible!  Try him, you'll like him!

I hope that these 10 highlights can help you!  I hope you bring them close to you and hold onto the knowledge of being a beloved child of God. 

I am ending with a video that we watched at Women of Faith.  I hope it amazes you and moves you as it did me.  He is risen!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9RMWFzVLaQ