Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows...

Russian Roulette, Spin the bottle, pick the short straw, eeny meeny meiny moe, and you are not it.

Yeah, I'm not back in the 7th grade...just tired of the merry-go-round with the Navy and our next duty station.  It's such a saga. 

They popped orders on us in July and said we had 3 days to pick, so out of the crappy choices (2 unaccompanied  one to Souda Bay, Greece, one to Diego Garcia and one accompanied 3 year tour to a sea intensive ship in Sasebo Japan) we chose the one year unaccompanied in Souda Bay Greece.  They gave him a "late" report by date cause I was pregnant with Levi still and they were helpful for letting him stay...

So he was supposed to report by 26 NOV then they pushed it back a month due to physical therapy on Jason's knee.  Well, dec 19th (1 week before he was to arrive) they cancelled his orders.  And since then we have been put in for Korea and had to wait 8 weeks to find out that was a no go.  Then DC popped and Jason was so excited, started his paperwork and then found out they gave that to someone else...

So we could today, right this minute (well, as soon as the Pentagon releases him) accept orders to Groton, CT at a sub base.  Jase would work in a Public Affairs Office, which he has done many times.  Or we can wait a week or so and see if we can get orders to Ft Meade, MD where Jason would be a instructor at The Defense Information School.  Which, ironically enough, is where I went to school to get my MOS for the Army and Jason went through there for another classification while I was pregnant with Tessa and Elijah.  Ft. Meade and the instructor position would be much better for his career and he'd like the job better.  But CT is super close to his family.  His detailer also thinks Instructor duty his the way to go.  So now we wait and we pray. 

So where we land, nobody knows. 

Love is a wonderful thing...

We started a new series at church called "Knights and Fair Maidens."  It is entertaining and educational and thought provoking as usual.  But it really made me think.  What is love?  How do you express it?  How much of what you think about love is influenced by our society?  By our parents?  Our environment? 

Everyone I know and love *no pun intended...giggle* certainly do not have the same belief system I have and it makes me wonder what/how/where they get their beliefs on what love is...

In Greek there are 4 words for love: Eros- romantic/sexual love. Storge is what we find in families between the different members.  Philia is pertaining to what we might call a brotherly love. Not brotherly in the sense of family, but in the sense of kinsmen ship.  Agape is the highest form of love there is. This is an unconditional love for others in spite of their character flaws and weaknesses.

I often wish we had more than one word for love, as I can profess my LOVE for Jason and then turn around and say I LOVE Diet Coke too.  Kind of loses some of it's meaning that way. 

For me, I try and define love as God defines it in the bible:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I replaced the word Love with Trisha (a suggestion made by the pastor) and I was sadly disappointed to find, I don't seem to be so loving after all.  In our society yes, biblically, not so much.  I really REALLY need to practice not envying and not being easily angered.  Two things I would normally not say I struggle with...But I find that at home, I am envious of all the time Jason spends away from the house because he is ALONE (even if it is just work)  and  I envy his ability to leave the house and just know things will work properly.  And, I pray that other moms have this issue, I feel easily irritated, not necessarily mad, but incredibly irritated.  The constant demands on my time and attention.  The kids certainly deserve it and truthfully, they are quite entertaining.  It's the whining and fighting and blubbering that drives me batty. 

I often wonder why I get so frustrated because I'm such a social person, but the chronic demands of mommy mommy mommy mommy...WHAT?  Nothing.  Well, it gets old and frustrating.

But you know I love my children.  Society would deem me a good mother.  I would say I am a good mom.  But what will my kids say?  Will they say that I was fun?  Or demanding?  Crabby?  Or easygoing?  I will try everyday to be a better mother, better at loving my children.  I just pray that they'll always know I tried everyday to love them with a perfect love.  I'll never achieve parental perfection, but I sure will practice.

And Jason.  Well, I certainly love him.  I love him in all 4 forms of the Greek love words.  He puts up with a lot from me.  Some of it is what I call my "year post partum funk"  I have a rough time for almost a year after every baby, post partum depression, sleeplessness, stress, they all add up on me and it's no fun, but that, my dear friends, is a subject for another time.

Jase puts up with some crazy me.  I philia that he gets me, even on my worse day. 

So today and everyday, I am going to try my best to love my family, my friends, my neighbors, my world, my SELF,  with patience, kindness, and humbleness.  I will not be envious, nor selfish, not easily angered, not a grudge holder....I will not be happy when evil/misfortune (be it something as simple as a mean thought) befalls anyone, even people I don't care for, I'll be happy when the truth is told.  I will always protect my loved ones (with my words and person if need be) I will always hope that we will be granted more and more chances to love perfectly...I will trust that I will see love in it's perfection one day in heaven.  I will persevere through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

I love that each day, I wake up and  I have a whole new chance to love my family better than the day before.

" And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."  1 Corinthians 13:13

So let's get out there and love. 

Groundhogs Day...Bill Murray style, not furry animal.

I have such mundane tasks from day to day.  Most days could be a repeat of the day before.  (Groundhogs day, anyone?) Even the weekends, as we tend to do the same thing.  But OH how I look forward to the weekends.  I love having my family in the same place, the same space...together. 

My kids may not leave me one second alone all day, ask me a million questions, speak in their oh-so-fun language of whinese, but I couldn't be happier.  I absolutely love my family. 

I love my husband a lot.  Like A lot a lot!  :-)  He's an absolutely awesome husband.  And hands down, the best dad ever!  I love that he sees me as I should be and not as I am.  He sees me as a way better woman than I feel I actually am.  And I am tough.  LOL.  Before we married we talked about our expectations and he really meets them all.  Of course, we have times we fail, because we're human.  But I know that when we said "I do"  we meant it. 

We've been through some really tough times and we've survived and thrived.  I am so happy I am married to such an amazing guy. 

And we are, of course, waiting on our next adventure to start.  Looking like D.C. for now, so I need to finish mourning the loss of my sunny, year round San Diego days. 

I think I'm gonna need a coat. 

Zoinks...and other various ottamottapea's

Zoinks.  That is the noise that keeps flying through my head on this crazy Sunday night.  Which I guess is better than the "&*(^%$^^@!" that it so easily could be. 

I am a woman on the edge. Bang Bang Bang Bang.  That's what I hear right now, cause Tessa is mad and doesn't want to sleep.  So she's banging on her wall.  Which borders Levi's room.  Bang bang bang bang...followed by a wah wah wah wah wah...followed by a moooooooomy...mooooOOOOOOOOmy, heightened inflection to prove just how angry she is...

Zoinks!! Zoinks!! Zoinks!!

*This is me pausing to go lay down the law.   BIG FAT SIGH.

Ok, so I walk NORMALLY up the stairs, when I wanted to STOMP STOMP STOMP.  And I go into her room and she's telling on Elijah...who by the way, is sleeping.  Apparently, he won't talk to her.  SIGH. SIGH. SIGH.

And then she says "I don't want you to spank me."  Which is what she says EVERY time she cries.  Why you might ask?  I have no clue, cause she rarely gets spanked.  AGH AGH AGH.  She is no longer crying, there was no spanking, just some wise advice from mom. "You don't want to close your eyes?  Sleep with them open then."  I am brilliant. 

Ding Ding Ding.  We have a winner!!  It's me...I now hear the sound of silence. 


HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!

The end. 

Too beautiful for earth

Today is a day that always brings so many emotions for me.  And it always will.  Today marks six years since I last held Sophia in my arms and felt her breathing against me, warm against my skin.  Today is the day I learned the hard truth of loss.  The day I had to start to learn how to live with a gaping hole in my heart.  I had to begin the process of letting go of all the hopes and dreams and ideas of what I had envisioned for her and for her and Ava combined. 

The first year was such a  struggle, a mess of self blame and such horrible, pressing guilt.  What could I have done to keep this from happening?  Why wasn't I more forceful at the OB the week before when I knew in my gut something was wrong?  Why? Why? Why?  It was a question that haunted me day in and day out for the first full year and probably 2 years after that.  Occasionally, that old self blame and guilt arise.  I've worked hard for my head and my heart to KNOW there was nothing I could have done.  Sophia's story was written by God's hand long before she came to be...I have often had people tell me I should be grateful for the time I had with her.  And I am.  But oh, how I wanted so much more.  More time, more cuddles, more time to love.  Just more. 

This is the first year that I haven't been horribly depressed on this day.  Sad, without a shadow of a doubt.  But not the do nothing, say nothing, hear nothing, BE nothing kind of sad.  I still wish for more time with her and for everything to have turned out differently...I do know that if I change one thing, I change everything.  And who knows what that would mean...would it have meant Sophia was saved, for Ava to pass?  This is something I won't know until I ask God face to face one day. 

I think grieving the loss of a twin, while the other survives is tricky and I think it slows the process down.  I have a friend that lost a single baby (a few months old) many years ago and she recently told me that after all of her other children left the house, she was finally able to come full circle with the grief process.  And I believe her.  I have so many responsibilities and my children need me to be here in this moment with them...my own personal needs, including my grief, are often put on the back burner. 

Here in our house we talk about Sophia.  Ava tells everyone she's a twin, but her sister was sick and went to heaven with Jesus and she isn't in anymore pain now.  It's bittersweet.  I wish Ava would have had the opportunity to know her more...and their link that was severed that day, well, I can never know how much that cost Ava.  The day Sophia died was the WORST day Ava had in her entire NICU stay.  So many what ifs...

I do know that she is in a better place and I also know that God has interesting ways of weaving sorrow and joy together.  I was reminded of that today when I realized, this, the 6th anniversary of Sophia's death is also Levi's 6 month "birthday"  Joy and pain all mingled together, just like all other parts of life.  Joy and pain, Happiness and Sorrow, the past and the future...

God promises me in Psalm 30:5 "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."  Some nights are so long they feel never ending, but the sun always rises.  Some days partly cloudy, but many, many days the sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is shining.  Hope for a wounded, beaten heart. 


And in that bruised heart, I'd like to believe that these next words are true:

"An Angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book,
  'too beautiful for earth'! "

My Kingdom for a Nap

So.  My mind is kind of empty.  HAHA.  As if that could ever happen...maybe I should say my brain is sloooooooooooow and tired. 

Speaking of tired...I can't remember the last time I haven't felt a little bit tired.  I mean, I have no recollection of waking up completely refreshed EVER!  I know I used to...but then again, I used to wake up when I woke up on my own...the weekends anyway.

Now, I wouldn't trade my my kids for more sleep...but I admit, I've thought it.  I know I have uttered the words "My kingdom for a nap."  OOOOH and then my personal fave (note I am dripping with sarcasm here) is when people tell me I can sleep when I'm dead. 

NO!  No I can not.  Because dead people aren't sleeping.  They're dead.  Note the distinction???  I'm also quite certain that since God created our bodies to sleep, we actually need to get some sleep.  I'm not talking about my fantasy sleep (10 hours of uninterrupted sleep EVERY night)  but I think we owe it to our bodies to give it the proper amount as often as we can...God created us to go without for periods of time too...hello? Newborns, anyone?

But I get kind of snippy when people act as if I shouldn't be tired or that I should be thankful to be tired...I get the idea they are pushing, but have you ever met a tired 3 year old?  Yeah, I'm like that.  Only 33.  HAHAHA.  And I deal with 2 three year olds everyday.  So...Cut. Me. Some. Slack. Please.

I think I'll create a group...call in the San Diegans for Significant Sleep Association...ok, not really, ooooooh maybe Sailor Spouses for Serene Sleep...ok, ok, ok.  NO groups...but do me a favor, next time you see me and I say I'm tired...Just give me a hug and tell me sleep will be my friend again one day. 

Until then, sleep tight.  Don't let the bed bugs bite. 

Shout out to the La La Ladies

Ok, I had such a funny weekend.  Genuinely funny.  I live on a Court and the families that surround us are amazing.  There was a all girl party on Saturday night (Thanks Jen!) and I laughed hard for about 4 straight hours. The sangria was delicious. (again Thanks Jen!!)  I learned A LOT about my neighbors that night and they learned too much about me.  Hahaha.  I feel so at home living here by these ladies that it will be even harder to leave San Diego than ever before...And it was already going to be super sucky!!

Today, we had a Super Bowl party in the court.  Jase and I got the TV hooked up in the front of the garage, we had our pop up tent shade up, the sleep sack out....the grill, the snacks, the fun!!  It was very entertaining. 

Not much else to say today, but WOOOOO Giants!  And Laffey Court and all it's families rock!!

Here's to hopin'

Friday is such an exhausting day at my house.  EVERYONE is tired from a full week.  Today was no different, but Elijah ended up puking and then asking directly following the event if he could "go outside and play for 5 minutes."  Yes, for real.  Ava has been complaining all day that her tummy hurts.  Tess, per usual, is telling me she hurt something every 5 minutes.  Levi had a follow up with the Nephrologist today (kidney DR)  Anyway, he needs a follow up ultra sound, but no VCUG (the catheter with dye) until he's 12-18 months old.  So yay for that!!

So, with Ava's official asthma diagnosis this year and Levi's issues, we've been advised to put them on the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) Which makes the Navy responsible for making sure the EFM person is near services they need, but that doesn't have to include Jason.  So I worry about unaccompanied tours now.  I'm just keeping the faith that for whatever our next duty station is...it will be as a family. 

We're into our 90 day 10% Challenge and Satan has already showed his hand...it is stressful, really random financial issues have sprung up like CRAZY.  Making this out to be a very VERY tight month.  Impossible with my math, so I await to see what God's math will look like this month! 

Today I was holding Levi and it hit me, for the first time in a real way, that today is the last day I will hold a 5.5 month old and this month will be the last time I ever have a 6 month old...I've never been a big fan of the newborn phase, but it really hit me that we are starting to move on to the next chapter in our lives...and while I won't miss this, I will remember it fondly and with many great memories...which pleases me as some days I think I will be crazy before I move forward. 

Nothing too significant from me today, more of a journal like entry.  Just random things I've thought in my noggin today.  And right now, my noggin is telling me it wants sleep...I hope it gets it!  Happy weekend friends!

On a Quest to Thrive

I love my kids.  From the top of my head to the toes on my feet, from the bottom of my heart...I love them with my whole being.  And as much as I love them, I am ashamed to admit that I want to know at what point will I truly ENJOY them more?  Yes, I enjoy things they say and do.  But most of my days feel like an endless cycle on the wheel of whining and crying and fighting and snotting and disobedience...I could go on and on and on.  The point remains, I'm constantly hearing about how enjoyable people find their kids and I see moms out who seem to really and truly be enjoying their kids.  Maybe I am that mom sometimes, but lately, I just feel worn out.  Run down.  Defeated in Motherhood. 

When will I look forward to sitting down as a family to dinner?  And not be frustrated amidst the whining and the "I don't like/want this" cries?   When will I truly look forward to taking someone shopping for clothes? Toys?  Books?  To the movies?

Don't get me wrong, my  kids make me smile everyday.  Elijah just made me grin in the midst of writing this, "Mom, I'm done" That's my cue for wiping his butt, FYI.  So I did.  And as I'm washing my hands, I'm watching him pull up his pants and listening to him chatter.  Warmed my heart and made me smile...

But I want to do more than survive this stage.  I want to thrive. 

Definition of THRIVE

intransitive verb

1

: to grow vigorously : flourish

2

: to gain in wealth or possessions : prosper

3

: to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances —often used with on <thrives on conflict>

 

Who doesn't want the above in relation to parenting?  Doesn't it sound awesome?  God knows that having young will be hard work and require blood, sweat and tears.  Countless hours of agonizing over whether I am making the right decision and so on.  But he also tells me this:

 

 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."  Isaiah 40:11

 

Maybe I am just too hard on myself, or expect things to be different. Or maybe I'm just tired today. Or maybe I am missing some important part of my mom "DNA."  I'm sure if I asked it would be a 50/50 split down the middle on the answers I receive.  Please keep in mind, I haven't asked...LOL. 

 

I have faith that my kids will grow up to be Godly, people of Integrity and character.  I just wish I was better at enjoying the journey.