It's so hard to say goodbye

Le Sigh.  It has officially begun. 

We had our initial move out inspection this morning.  We vacate our home in less than 2 weeks.  All these months of waiting and now it's here.  I'm so torn.  Part of me is ready for our next Perry Family adventure and a larger part of me wants to stay right here and stay with my friends, my church, my life in San Diego.  I am comfortable here.  I know my "role" in this place. 

Now it's time to move on and see what else God has in store for us.  And it is SCARY and exciting all at the same time.  I can't tell you how many people have told me recently that I am lucky because I am so friendly and outgoing and make friends quickly...and while that is partially true, it's still incredibly hard to do. 

I just want to pack Cassondra, Corrie, Carolyn (WOW- I must like "C" people) Shelly...and a few other gals in my suitcase.  They are not just my friends, they are my military family.  And I will miss them.  I thank God for Facebook, email, smart phones...all the technology we have is great, but it just isn't the same as giving them a hug or having them over for dinner.

FYI ladies, I am making your summer vacation plans for you next year.  Just sayin'!!

The next 14 days are going to FLY by.  I am not currently accepting Goodbyes.  I will start accepting applications for tearful goodbyes on May 12th at 7 pm PST. 

And then you will all get to see HUGE ugly face, honking, dripping nose crying from me.  Probably. 


"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord.  "Plans to Prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

All about the crazies....

Holy Cannoli! (As Tessa likes to say!!)

SO much going on.  But first, a few little sneak peeks into my life:

There is NOTHING and I do mean nothing, that is sweeter than hearing your little boy sing in his low pitched voice "Bless the Broken Road" and then talking about how cool that it's his mom and dads wedding song.  Love that boy.   Seriously, look at his face.  Unnnnnnnh.  So handsome.

And speaking of boys, Levi is hilarious.  Seriously.  Broke his first household item yesterday.  Gave me a heart attack, cause I thought for sure that Vase was out of his reach.  HA!  Not so.  Also, he loves and I mean LOVES playing with shadows in the sunlight.  How sweet is he?

And then there is Tessa.  There are so many things I can say about her...LOL.  My sweet little hoarder that happens to be a bit of a hypochondriac.  Today, she came in laughing from the kitchen and said as she was giggling "I just keep tooting and tooting and tooting!"  My little teeny one can clear a room.  Yeah, she'll be embarrassed to read this in a few years.  Love you Tessa!  P.S. She just informed she was shot by the bad guys that got out of jail.  Where does she come up with this??????

And there is Ava.  My sweet, nurturing Ava.  If she chooses to be a mom one day, she will rock at it.  The girl is always concerned for her siblings, she just doesn't want them to be hurt or scared or alone.  She's a wise old soul, but occasionally she let's that little girl inside peek out.  I needed Swiss cheese  for a dip and I picked it up from the grocery store and as I put it in the cart she informed me that I was "buying MOUSE cheese!"  She was so hilarious.  Mouse cheese.  Love it.

My kids are hilarious.  There are days I could sell them to the circus.  But so many days they bring such laughter into my house...even on the craziest of days.

I'm really a lucky mom.  Even if my kids are secretly aliens. 

Sad little short timer...

It's been a while.  How does life get so busy?

Let's see, I went to VEGAS BABY!  And I lost big.  I lost a whole $2 on the penny slots.  LOL.  I did that so I could say I gambled in Vegas.  Otherwise, I ate food with friends, hung out with friends, got a massage, read most of a book and had a Margarita at Margaritaville.  Giggled for HOURS with some great friends and bought 3 new pairs of shoes. 

Came home, had 2 Scentsy parties, and planned the twins 4th birthday party!  It was fun and insane!  Lots of kiddos were here.  It was a fantastic day. 

Now onward.  It is fast approaching D-day.  That would be departure day.  From San Diego.  And some really awesome friends.  A fantastic church.  Beautiful weather.  23 days left in this gloriously awesome place.  I really love it here. 

I have grown so much as a mother, wife, and Christian.  I know that God has a plan for us, but man, in my mind, I would be staying in California where I have friends and a life and a schedule.  And an awesome church. 

I'm a friendly person.  I make "friends" easily enough, but I want to stay with the ones I have.  Even for someone as friendly as I am, starting over is hard.  I miss the ones I leave behind.  I don't want to just become some one's Facebook Acquaintance.  Le sigh. 

I am trying so hard to be positive.  I know without a doubt I will make great friends there, and it will be AMAZING to live near family.  I plan on driving Alicia Perry absolutely crazy with my proximity!  LOL.  She'll be wishing I was back in California before too long! 

It's just coming on to the end of an era and I am having a hard time letting go.  I love the place I am in....but I have faith that God has something greater for me, for us.  Just keep us all in your prayers.  We're gonna need them!

Vegas BABY!!

Vegas BABY!!

Yeah, I'm a little excited.  No, I don't gamble as a typical rule of thumb.  BUT I may play a penny slot in Vegas just to say I did it!  I'm having a girls weekend in Vegas and it's just in time.  Cause we just found out we'll be pulling chocks out of San Diego May 15th. 

This weekend, I am going to try and sleep in....read a book.  Get a massage.  Eat a full meal while it's hot.  And laugh my booty off with some good friends.  I'll post pictures if I'm allowed.  LOL! 

I need to pack, but I'll be honest, I sent out messages seeing what everyone else was packing cause I don't want to be the one with the biggest bag.  But I am sure I will be anyway!  Cause that's how I roll. 

Shoes take up so much space, eh? 

Anyway, I'll see you all on the flip side of Vegas. 

Don't worry, I won't get in too much trouble! 

Happy weekend everyone!!

A second chance

Happy Easter everyone!  I know I haven't been writing as often as I should.  I kind of feel like everything I write should be important or newsworthy, but my life is kind of mundane at times.  And I am going to try and keep up better with my blog.  I know one day I am going to be so happy I did this!!

As a Christian, today is pivotal in my life.  Jesus died and rose again on the 3rd day, conquering death.  "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh death where is your victory?"  In Jesus' action on Good Friday and Easter 2000+ years ago, he took the sting out of our physical death and our soul death.  We talked at church today about the things we believe whether true or untrue.  And we talked about how it's ok to doubt God!  He isn't at all insecure and he knows in our seeking, we WILL find him.  Thank you God for loving me enough to send your son to die for me. 

Easter was hard for me this year.  Not usually a tough time of year for me.  Solemn when reflecting on Jesus' sacrifice, but otherwise, a time of great celebration.  This year was just difficult.  I don't know why things happened this way this year, but the correlation of sending your son to die for the sins of people yet to come and having a child that died, just due to life circumstances, kept circling in my head.  I know that their is no way I could have sacrificed a child for the whole of the world.  Myself?  Maybe.  My child?  Never.  It truly is a miraculous gift. 

Sophia really must have been on every one's mind.  Ava asked me if we could get her a Christmas present for under the tree this year...and she asked me that this morning, randomly, out of the blue.  But what I know is this:

Grief is a life long process.  I can get by for months without a truly sad episode and then one day-WHAM!  BAM!  It hits me and it really takes nothing to set it off in particular.  I think of her everyday.  Every. Single. Day.  Maybe the March Of Dimes walk being in April this year also added to my thoughts of her...combined with Tessa and Elijah's birthday.  I so wish Ava had her twin to share her birthday with...and I know she does too. 

Sometimes I smile when I think of Sophia.  Sweet baby is definitely in a better place, but, oh, how I long to hold her here with me.  Other times I just cry.  All the what ifs...

The thing is, if I don't want you to know how I am feeling, you won't!  And most of the time I am a completely open book.  I have no secrets.  But my grieving process over Sophia is intensely personal.  And 9 times out of 10, I choose not to tell people how I am feeling.  Not even my husband.  Not because he can't handle it, I know he can, but again, grief is so very different and his days of struggles are his own and unless he needs me in them, he does his own processing.  As do I. 

It's easier, safer, less painful for me to write of it.  Then I don't have the sympathetic eyes, the very kind "I'm sorry's" and other peoples emotions to deal with...which I know sounds mean and weird.  But some days I can barely handle my own emotions.  And I feel like I have to soothe other people when I am sad about all this.  Strange but true.  Some days I can and do talk very matter of factly about what happened and keep the emotions at bay...other times I can not speak of it because the emotions are too much. 

Grief is a emotion I am all too familiar with...and I tell you this today, as an absolute fact in my life:

If I didn't believe with my whole heart, mind and soul that I would see Sophia again in heaven, I know I could never climb out of the dark hole that is losing a child. Hope.  Blessed Hope.

 

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence 

 

 You see, the thing about the Resurrection, is that I will see my sweet baby girl again one day.  I will hold her perfect in my arms. I will tell her all of the things that I have longed  to say to her each day of my life.  Because The Resurrection gives us all an opportunity at a second chance. 

If you would like to donate to Team Ava's Angel and Friends for the March of Dimes Walk, please visit my website and click the donate link.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/AvaandherangelSophia