Why am I not enough?
This question has been rolling through my mind in various
forms this week. Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that? What's wrong with me? I can't believe this! You can add in your own specific form of self
doubt, we all have a million ways in which we belittle ourselves, or where we
believe the words of others that have belittled
us.
I've had a crappy few days.
Just bad. Hurt feelings,
exhaustion, self doubt, self loathing, and uncertainty. I've done a lot of things to try and shake it,
but they are things that don't work.
Shopping, eating, getting angry at others, myself, life in general. Didn't do anything to help me, though. So after I broke down in tears over a
stinking PPD test (TB test) at the military clinic, I was just at the bottom of
myself. I can't fix it. Things are not going right for me. Nothing is going how I want it to go, or anywhere close to normal.
It took me a week, but, um, I get it now. Sometimes I am so good at "pulling up my
boot straps" and dealing with life, I forget that God uses frustrations,
anger, hurt feelings, and pain to get my attention. He's always asking if I will just go through
it (which is, quite frankly, my usual MO) or will I grow through it? Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize He
wants me to grow. I get so wrapped up in
daily living, I forget the purpose of living.
It isn't about being the best, having a clean house, having the most
brilliant children or the most picture perfect marriage. It's about love. Loving others. If love isn't our motivating force, it's time
for a realignment.
I haven't been feeling or acting very loving lately. And as I calmed down from my crying jag over
the aforementioned PPD test, I rolled over the lovely what is wrong with me
question for about the billionth time in a week's span. I was sitting at my kitchen table with my
bible, getting ready to do my life group reading for the week. Turns out, I already did it...so, I was like,
crud, what do I read now? And at the end
of the chapter there was a weekly reading suggestion, so I was like
"woo! Thank You!" And I opened
my bible and read the following:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to
offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and
proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2
Now
this, in and of itself would remind me that I am not of this world. That is enough to make me stop and once
again, berate myself for my attitude.
Not really want God intended there, but my human nature has a way of
going there. Now, in my bible, I often
take notes. Today, I read in my own
writing:
Conform:
People
change you because they care about themselves.
Transformation:
We
change because God values us.
WOW! I was blown away. I've read this very words before, I wrote
them down in my bible and today- they blasted through.
I've
been so focused on trying to be in control and doing the right thing(according
to our world view), that it's taken a toll on me. I'm trying to conform to someone else's
identity for me, and of course, I've been unhappy. Now, I'm not exactly a people pleaser and I
certainly wasn't consciously aware of "conforming" but that's exactly what I was doing. God finally got through my "pull up my
big girl panties and deal" attitude to tell me, "Trisha, I value
you. I love you. I care about you." He doesn't care if my house is spotless, if my
children to behave 100% of the time, if I have a million dollars or 1
cent. He cares about me. My feelings, my hopes, my dreams. He wants me to rest in his presence. He'd love for me to be still, and that one I
am still working on, it will probably be a lifelong challenge for me. I know it's an amazing time to recharge, I am
just terrible at being still, and quiet.
Just
know this, if you feel like you need a change, or can think of something
specific in your life you want to change, God asks us to be transformed. Even if it's as simple as changing your
current attitude! We change because He
values us. He values us so much. And when we rest in him and renew our minds,
change will happen.
Transformation
is a continually occurring process, so let's take this journey together. Being bold, remembering our purpose and armed
with the knowledge that Jesus values us, we are more precious that diamonds,
more valuable than gold. He values our
neighbors, our kids, our friends, our communities. He values YOU!
