I'm a Doer not a thinker.

It’s been a long time…just one more thing for me to feel guilty about.  Since starting school, my time for writing personal reflections has basically come to a grinding halt.  My mind is full of other things and I know there is a time and place for all of it.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 sums it up. 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

I believe wholeheartedly this is true, yet in my humanness, I feel guilty when it’s NOT my time for whatever it is the world makes me think I should be doing.  Having said all of that, I know it’s time for me to write this blog.  Something I heard at church a while ago has been marinating inside me and as I’ve thought through it, about it, and around it, I’ve come to realize something- I far too often checklist my relationship with Jesus.  Church.  Check.  Tithe. Check.  Life Group. Check.  Ministry. Check, check, check.  But the problem is, checking things off my to-do list spiritually brings no peace, no joy, no relationship. It leads me to feeling farther and farther from the peace my soul longs for.  Strangely, the whole statement that brought me around to this was “hell is, at its most basic, as far away from God as you can be.”  What?  I know many of you are thinking, well that’s hardly life changing, but for me it resonated deep.  Why do I checklist my spirituality?  Is it because I can behave my way into heaven or rather, behave my way out of hell?

Those questions have been on my mind for weeks.  Today, at church, we spoke on how good works cannot get you to heaven.  It’s so fascinating to me how God can plant a seed for me to wrestle with and when I feel like he’s not giving me answers (certainly not on my timeline), all of a sudden-boom.  There it is.  I have known as an adult Christ follower that I struggle with check listing myself and my relationship with God because I am a doer.  God does want me to do…Serving is all over the bible.  He also wants me to be with him and to know him more and more. 

I suppose the point of writing this down was to just encourage you all, especially my fellow doer’s, that not doing does not lead to punishment.  The heart of our doing is the key to it all.  I hope during this season you can learn and wrestle with what point of all your doing leads to…does it lead back to God?  All too often for me, it lead to feeling accomplished, but still vaguely dissatisfied.   I’ve learned a lot the last few years as I’ve grown in my faith, but the main thing that I have learned is that I will constantly be learning and challenging my beliefs.  I had so hoped that one day it wouldn’t be as much work, but it is.  Good, holy, life changing work.  Work that leads me closer and closer to the one who created me, the one who knows me better than I know myself and YET!  He still loves me.  And he loves you too! 

Silent no more

Our silence is deafening. 

You. Guys.  

OUR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.

Look, I get it.  I do.  I have struggled with what to say and how to say it.  I don't want to make a tenuous situation worse, I don't want to feel like I am backtracking and trying to explain myself and I certainly don't want to cause anymore pain. 

But by saying nothing, we are choosing to let the darkness win.

I find myself often not understanding why the hash tag is #blacklivesmatter when I feel that #alllivesmatter.  But let's set that aside for a minute.  The point of #blacklivesmatter is because they feel that they don't matter and they want to matter.  So deeply.

And when we're being down in the gut raw and honest, it's what we all want.  The career criminal started out as a young kid who wanted to matter.  The SAHM who drinks every night to de stress, she wants to matter too.  The addict that just can't beat their demon, she also wants to matter to someone.  We all have places and stages and areas of our lives where we feel we don't matter.  It's a sad and lonely place, no matter how many people experience it before you, with you, after you.  There are so many examples I could have used above, I could have gone on and on and on. 

Part of the solution is for each one of us, every single one of us,  to treat everyone like they matter.  Every single person we come in contact with needs to know that they matter.  They are important and valuable and they bring something awesome, amazing and worthy that only they can bring to the earth. 

So I don't know the right thing to say or the perfect thing to do, but I do know that it starts with me.  It starts with being kind.  Having hard conversations with people we don't understand in a reasonable and courteous ways.  Seeking first to understand, then be understood.  Putting other people's needs before our own.  It starts with serving. 

Our society has gotten so far away from caring for each other.  All we want to do is cast blame.  And I understand that...We need someone or something to blame all the hate and all the violence on.  We can fight a person or hate a person so much easier than we can handle the pain.  But violence that begets violence is never the answer,  it may temporarily make us feel like we've done something, but all we've done is joined the cycle of violence.  It is going to take true strength, humility and meekness to win this fight.

We have to lay down our rights and protect those whose rights are being ignored.  Being trampled on.  We might even belong to a group that feels it has no rights. 

I would rather lay down my right to blame, my right to anger, my right to be right than live in this world gone mad. 

I know that I might not impact the whole world, but I will impact my neighborhood.  My children. My community.

We all have a choice to make.  Sit on the sidelines feeling sad and comment on what's happening or get involved and be a game changer. 

I'm still deathly afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, but the deafening silence can no longer be my defense.  I matter.  And I'm going to make sure other people matter too. 

A letter to my firstborn

Dear Sophia,

I hope you know I haven't forgotten you.

 

I'm having a little mom guilt in regards to you today.  Every year I write on the anniversary of your death, it's quite healing for me. 

But I have to confess, I did not write this year.  Yes, I know it's only 2 days past the anniversary  but I didn't forget and I wasn't too busy. 

I just could not do it.  Maybe it's because your story has been playing in my mind as I write a talk for women's ministry.  Maybe it's because I just didn't know what to say.  But mainly because for the first time in a decade, I didn't feel crushed.  Yes, I miss you.  I miss you as much today as I did 10 years ago, as much as I did yesterday and as much as I will tomorrow. 

You are an aching void in my heart.  Nothing can change that.  It's just this year , it didn't bow me under the heavy weight of grief until I felt I would snap.  This isn't to say that time is healing my wound, there's truly no end to that.  Grief is funny that way.  This year, I felt a sense of calm and so, I'd like to write to you some things I thought about on your anniversary instead, things I wanted as ours alone,  for just one day.

I wonder if you would have the same sweet smile as your twin, Ava?  Would you have dark and thick hair like her? 

Would you be the yen to her yang? 

Would you giggle as she does when I remind her Peanut Butter Donut at night?

What would your favorite school subject be?

Would you be an animal lover?

Would you be a shy introvert or an outgoing extrovert like your mama?

Ava really misses you.  I  miss you.  Daddy misses you.  Tessa, Elijah and Levi never met you, but they wish for you too. 

There are things I have been storing up, wishing I could say them to you! Things like, wash your hands, it's time to eat, good night sweetheart and I love you.

 

Other things I have been preparing to say to Ava and long to say to you, like your body is starting to change and you'll be really mad sometimes and not know why.  The crying, oh the crying,  He's not good enough for you!  You're a beautiful bride.   Congratulations!  The list goes on and on. 

Each year, I am left with an ache because I don't get to hug you, love you,  and yes, even discipline you into an amazing woman.  Do you know how many lives you have touched without ever saying a word?

This year the knowledge of where you are and WHO you are with simply outweighed my sadness.  My sadness and despair are just reflections of my selfish self that wants you here. You are without pain, disability or sadness.   I know that you are a queen seated near the King of Kings.   I know that the Kingdom of God belongs to children such as you.

So this year I see you in my mind twirling in a gown of gold, serving God and preparing places for all God's children. 

I just needed to remind you that I didn't forget my hopes and dreams for you.  I haven't forgotten for one single day the ache inside when I think of you.  I haven't forgotten your sweet little face. I haven't forgotten you. 

You were here.  You are loved.  You are missed.  

Until I see you again, hugs and kisses, 

I love you,

Mommy 

Running to your arms!

As I was singing during worship this past weekend, some lyrics to a song really resonated with me.  The words are simply "Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your grace will always be enough.  Nothing compares with your embrace.  Light of the world forever reign."

First, I just love this song.  The words paint a beautiful picture.  I liken it to when Jason comes home from a long deployment, or truthfully, sometimes even after being gone just a few weeks at sea, but EVERYTHING in me lights up when I see his face!  I'm just so thankful to have him home and our children are so thankful to have him home.  You may know the feeling I am talking about, you see them and your whole body lets out this joyful sigh, your pulse gets a little faster, your heart feels full to bursting and you don't know if you want to laugh or cry or both.  It's an intense rush of emotion.  And you know in a minute you are going to have his arms wrapped around you and the feeling of being safe and protected and LOVED will slide back into place.

So when I sing this song, I often see the image of a little girl running to her dad as he returns home from war.  Long hair flying in the breeze, swishy skirts moving as she runs forward and then the ultimate moment when her daddy picks her up and they hug and twirl around in circles, laughing and crying and being joyful of being together.  This is be what God wants for us and He can be there always.  We can always run to Him, we don't have to wait. 

For any of you who have been to a homecoming, you also see the little girls and boys, who hang back, shy and uncomfortable from the one who loves them and knows them so well.  The disconnection, the fear, the hiding.  I have a tendency to be this girl.  Oh, how every part of me wants to run with joy and abandon to God, but I stick close to what I know, even though stepping forward would be better.  I feel shy and often, ashamed,  and think He will feel that way about me too.  But that just isn't the truth.  And we have to stop believing it.  

He delights in us.  We just have to be wildly courageous for one second and take that first step, then we will be running for all we're worth to the one who loves us and knows our worth.   Who will gather us in His embrace where, even if  it feels like the world is falling apart, we will be loved and whole.  Wholly loved, wholly adored, wholly worthy.  Wholly delightful. 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Grief is the price of Love.

My heart breaks over and over again.  My brain tells me that I can't handle more news.  No more school shootings, no more plane crashes, no more tragedy.  It makes me want scream and rant and cry and hide and weep and wail.  I cannot understand the world in which we live. 

I cannot hold all the heartache that is in the world.  It is overwhelming.  It is terrifying.  It is sad. It is. 

We live in a world where we can "understand" when bad things happen to bad people, we kind of buy into karma at that point.  Bad choices equal bad consequences, so we can understand that.  But we fall every time to the WHY when bad things happen to good people, innocent people, people who are trying to make the world a better place.  We can't fathom the why. 

I've spent years on my own particular why.  Years. 

My child died. 

That's as stark of a reality as you can get.  It's my reality.  I cannot escape the truth of those words.  I cannot pretend it didn't happen, I cannot deny that it happened, I cannot wish it away.

In the same way we cannot pretend or deny or wish away the tragedy that is in our world.  We cannot strong arm our values onto others.  We cannot leave behind our values and use tragedy as the excuse.  We can only try and be more like Jesus.  More kind.  More compassionate.  More humble.  More loving.  More helpful.  More patient.  More Self controlled.  And let's be less judging.  Less having to be right.  Less harsh. Less angry.  Less self serving.

I'm just like you, I can't figure out this craziness that is in our world.  I can't figure out the why's.  I was once asked "If you knew why, would it change your grief?"  And the answer was no.  Even knowing why bad things happen does not change the sadness in our hearts, for grief is the price of love. 

So today I cling to the word of God  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2  You guys- WE WILL FEEL THE WATER!  WE WILL FEEL THE HEAT!  There is no escaping that.  We can rest assured in our faith that God will be with us.  In these moments of tragedy, we can turn to him.  We can cry, and rant and ask God why.  He can take it.  And then when our emotion is spent, He will gather us close to him and give us His joy and His peace and His rest.  He will remind of His Victory and His promise to us  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev 21:4 

I don't know when that glorious day will be, so for now I take my grief, my anger, my inability to understand WHY to him.  I may never receive any why's, but I know I will receive compassion that includes peace, that passes all understanding, love and joy.

Qualified

Have you ever wanted something so badly but felt it was out of reach?  Or impossible for you to attain?  Unrealistic?  Or that you weren't capable? And so on and so forth?

I stepped out into a ministry at church this year that I believe strongly in.  I love it and I have fun and yet sometimes I think, "if they only knew...what I was thinking...what I have done...the things I have said..."  Quite honestly, I often feel like an imposter.  How can I, Trish Perry, possibly show God's love and Grace to other people?  I am afraid that I will go along just being me and screw it up.  Then people will say "Can you believe her?" 

I long to be a valuable part of a team that makes a safe place where everyone is welcome.  Every stage of life, experience of life is valuable and meaningful and welcomed.  I am part of such a team, yet I wait for someone to tell me- never mind, we know you now. 

I have all these swirly weird thoughts in my head because I have been given an opportunity.  One I want to jump into both feet first!  But instead, I am taking some time.  I am letting myself have these weird conversations in my head, having them in my prayers with God, asking some people who I consider mentors what they think. 

As I sit here in absolute joy and fear, I am reminded that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  So, I am doing something that is so against my nature and I am being still and waiting to hear from God.  He knows that with Him, I can and will thrive where He places me.  He invites me to call upon Him in my self-doubt and fear of failure.   I don't want anyone to look at me and say "you hypocrite!" 

I can't be anything other than me.  I can work on being patient ( and all the other fruits of the spirit- I need them!) and trying to be more like Jesus every day, but He knows who I am.  I just need to work on being faithful to remember WHOSE I am.  When people look at me, I want them to say "there's something about Trish.  How can I be/feel/act that way?"  It's not me that's special, it's God moving in me that allows me to help others.  And that's really what I want at the end of the day.  I want to help other people feel loved.  Feel needed.  Feel included.  Belonging- with all of our baggage.  The good and the bad.  We're not alone.  We're all unique.  We all have a space to occupy in this world.  I hope that God says "GO!" and I can jump in and swim along with others on this path to eternity.  That I can show love and acceptance to all I encounter, that I can make a difference in the lives of others.  

Come on now, sweat! Let the music move you.

Never let them see you sweat.

And why the HECK NOT?  I totally get the saying, but today the way it was used just made me want to scream out loud!

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page:  "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile."  It was a pretty girl in a pretty picture and my friend shared it and said "Never let them see you sweat."

And dear, sweet heart, if you read this,  make no mistake, I didn't want to scream at you.  I wanted to scream at our society.  Why are we teaching our children these sayings??  I know, it's for self preservation, but you know what? 

At some point we need to band together and be vulnerable enough to say " You hurt me."  You have the power and capability to hurt me and you did.  You hurt me.  Yes, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, to trust you and you hurt me.  And we don't need to hide that.  There is no shame in being hurt.  Just as there is NO shame in being willing to get back out there and be vulnerable again.  People say that's stupid and you just never learn and all sorts of variations to this theme, but you know what I think?

I think you're Brave.  Courageous.  Amazing! I think we need more people to get out there and say, relationship is so important in my life, I am willing to be hurt time and time again.  People will always hurt us.  We're human and it happens.  But when we close ourselves off to the possibilities out there, it makes me want to weep.  What have we lost out on because we've been too afraid to reach for it? 

This isn't to say that boundaries and self preservation aren't necessary, because they are, what I am saying is that when we lose the ability to truly share ourselves with others and become so solidly caught behind a wall of fear, we have the tendency to lose our true selves. 

So, I'm going to let you see me sweat (it ain't pretty) and I'm going to let you see me cry, and fail and succeed and every other thing I've got because I need you.  My life isn't a solo journey, it's a circus and I need you there.