Don't cry for me down here

It's been 7 years today.  7 years.  At times it seems like just yesterday and other times it seems much longer than 7 years. 

I remember some of the strangest things about that time.  I remember laughing at a joke Jason made as I was climbing into bed....and then the phone ringing, telling us we need to get to the hospital right away.  I remember standing in front of the refrigerator because I needed something to drink.  I took a bottled water and never opened it.  I remember the music on the radio on our way to the hospital.  It was "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley. 

There was a chaotic ballet going on at the NICU when we arrived.  I was too numb to think, there certainly wasn't clarity to my thought process.  I remember looking in the isolette at Sophia.  Such a beautiful girl.  So tiny, so perfectly made.  But as I looked into her eyes, I could tell what made her Sophia was already gone and it would be selfish of me to put her tiny body through the pain of life support.  The doctor explained to us our choices.  Life support, which at best would buy us a day or to take her off the vent.  At this point, she had many procedures to help her heart rate and breathing  and her prognosis was dismal.  Painfully prolong or death with dignity. 

I remember staring at Jason and willing him to choose and leave me out of it!  I wanted no part in such a decision.  In the end, we prayed over her and the nurses took Sophia out of the isolette and I held her, while her nurse stood behind me manually pumping air into her.  I remember looking up behind me at the nurse, Karen, who stood so stoically, rhythmically pumping air in and standing, silently crying.  Tears rolling down her face. 

Jason and I decided that we would take Sophia off her vent and let God decide the rest.  We wanted to hold her without the wires, the monitors, the trappings of the NICU, the same trappings that would, in the end, save the life of her twin, Ava.  The NICU staff set up  rocking chairs for us and put up a privacy screen.  And in the hum of the NICU, I held my baby as she took her last breaths.  I remember wanting to sit there forever and never having to leave.  Because leaving made it real. 

As time passes, the grief can be bearable and other days, it's like I am still there in all that chaos, with my heart beating rapidly and my mind in a tizzy, so foggy and confused.  So in denial of this happening to me.  I've learned that I will never be the same person I was before this day.  I'm a different me.  The me that has had to learn to live with the loss of her firstborn child.  The me that feels guilty that Ava's sister isn't here and that somehow their preterm birth could have been prevented by me.  The me that still struggles with why this would happen to me, to ANYONE.  Then, I realize, it's not about me.  And it's all about her.

How many lives to Sophia touch?  Her life had meaning and purpose.  All of our lives have meaning and purpose.  And when we fulfill God's purpose, he brings us home to heaven.  I may never know her life's purpose.  But I do know that her life will impact people for generations to come.

As I was contemplating what I would write today, I couldn't help but think of how biblically signifigant the number 7 is...

In the Hebrew, 7 is shevah. It is from the root savah, to be full or satisfied, have enough of. Hence the meaning of the word "seven" is dominated by this root, for on the seventh day God rested from the work of Creation. It was full and complete, and good and perfect. Nothing could be added to it or taken from it without marring it. Hence the word Shavath, to cease, desist, rest, and Shabbath, Sabbath, or day of rest.

This year I choose to view the time I had with Sophia as good and perfect.  Full and complete.  Nothing can be added to her life or taken away from it without marring it.  Her 15 days here, were perfect in the eyes of God.  And then she went home to rest.  I know she is looking down on us in anticipation of the day when we will all be together again.  Just as I look to the heavens and know I will see her again some day. 

God tells me in Psalm 30:5 that mourning may last for an evening, but joy comes in the morning.  There have been many nights when I thought morning would never come.  But it does.  God is faithful to his word.  And I know one day, when he has completed his work in me, I too, will rest in his presence.  And when that day comes, I want you to have a party for me.  Today, I will leave you with the words and a link to the Brad Paisley song that played on the radio the night we lost Sophia.  I believe it was a reminder from God that greater things are yet to come. 

When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm going,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4

Wishy Washy!

I feel so restless lately.  Like something needs to change.  Something big needs to happen.  I don't even know what would qualify all that.  I'm not unhappy with anything in my life.  I just have this sense of change. 

Usually, I would say I have an adventurous spirit.  I like moving (to see new places and things- not the leaving of friends), I like meeting new people, trying new things...But it seems the older I get the less I enjoy the things I used to enjoy when I was younger....and not a mom! 

I wish I could more accurately describe what I feel, but it's just this intense feeling of restlessness.  That's the best I got.  I'm open to some change in our lives, but it's also scary.  What does God have in store for me?  Jason?  Ava, Tessa, Elijah, Levi?  Where will we end up?

Maybe all of this stems from my seriously considering going back to school.  For those of you that don't know, Connecticut has free tuition for Veterans.  And for those of you that may have forgotten, THAT'S ME!  LOL.  The plan was always to wait until the kids were in school before I finished my degree, but financially speaking, this would save us a lot of money! No, money isn't everything, but it sure would be nice to not have a student loan at the end of my degree. 

I've taken the first step and contacted the Continuing education office at Eastern Connecticut.  Now I just wait for a call back and then set up an admissions appointment.  I will definitely be going part time at first and will take night classes.  Levi is my main concern.  I do not want him to have to be in daycare.  Yes, I know, there are many worse things.  If I can manage night classes and maybe one daytime class, maybe I can find a friend who would watch him for a few hours a week. 

Again, at this point, it's all speculation.  I just feel like this would be a good move for us and I also feel God nudging me in that direction.  I've been resisting.  A lot!  I was a good student.  But for some reason, I am petrified of going back to school.  What do I know about studying?  Writing papers?  UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.   I am so afraid of failing.  And I am not sure why that is...

Partially because I feel like it  took me so long to come to terms with being a stay at home mom.  And I'll be honest, I am content in my role.  I've always imagined I would return to work at some point, at least to help set us up for retirement if nothing else.  I'm in no rush, but having my bachelors would at least take that portion out when it is time for me to go back to work.  I could just focus on additional school or a professional trade of sorts. 

I love being able to stay at home with my kids.  I feel so blessed, so fortunate to be able to do so.  SO I think part of my fear is saying goodbye to how  my life has been for the last seven years and gearing up for the next part. 

And all this wishy washy on my part is making me feel restless.  As I said recently to a friend, to know me is to know and love my issues too.  Cause knowing me, means knowing them!

As usual, when something is a repetitive concern in my life, I turn to the bible to see what jumps out at me.  Today, God gave me this verse:

^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Philippians 4: 6-7

How lucky am I to serve a God who ALWAYS knows just what to say? 

Fear no more!

I think I should have a room reserved for me at the loony bin.  Seriously. 

This week, well, last few weeks.  First, my upcoming knee surgery.  And I honestly didn't think I would need surgery!  HAHAHA.  What do I know?

Then we had the Tessa header into the school parking lot! 

Then I fall down the steps holding Levi on Sunday morning!

Then Levi chokes on an apple!  And coincidentally Tessa is out sick that day due to a fever and a suspected (and later confirmed ear infection)

Today Ava scared herself silly, came flying down the stairs, didn't wait for the gate to be opened, folded in half over it, flipped and went air borne and landed flat on her back. 

But it got me thinking.  1) as a mom of 4 kids, there is never a dull moment. 2) I am clumsy and it appears my children got my "grace"  3) Each and every one of those situations could have been monumentally worse. 

Tessa could have had a broken nose (and it's a miracle it wasn't!)  Levi and I could have broken bones due to our fall, Levi could have choked to death on that apple.  As a piece of it spent 4 hours lodged in his throat and finally came out at the ER.  And this morning, Ava could have broken something.

I feel so blessed that we've all escaped with minimal damage. 

I'd like to talk about Ava and this morning.  I don't know what she is scared about upstairs, but she hates to be up there alone.  And she seriously scared ME this morning.  I heard her scream and I went running to the stairs and as I was trying to get the gate open she comes flying down, it sounded like she was falling down the stairs and I stood by, helpless, while I watched my baby hit the gate, fold over it in half and flip over.  It was all so fast it was over start to finish in about 4 seconds.  I asked her what scared her and she wouldn't say.  I'm so at a loss.  I told her that she could tell me anything and that no one or anything in our house would harm her. 

It just brings me to the subject of fear. 

Fear:

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

I have never really be a "scaredy cat."  But lately, I'm not so sure I'm not.  I don't like when Jason isn't home and I sleep alone.  I hate when we move and I have to get used to all the new house noises, I kiss my kids goodbye at school every morning and part of me worries about what might happen to them while they are under the care of someone else.  I mean, what do I know about their teachers?  But then the more rational part of me points out that I can't wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them at home.  Because if we allow it, fear becomes crippling.

I want to teach my kids that fear is ok.  It's an emotion and it's a very useful one.  Knowing to be afraid of something is a self preserving mechanism.  But I also want to teach that certain things we're afraid of, we have to face.  Which is scary and often paralyzing.  I have things that make me want to crawl in a closet and never come out.  And if I let myself think about all the things that can happen or that might scare me, I would never EVER leave my house. 

I certainly don't have all the answers and even the ones I have, well, they wouldn't work for everyone.  I am a pull yourself up by your bootstraps and muscle through it kind of gal.  And that isn't right for everyone.  It's not always right for me!  But one thing I do know is that I know someone who always has the ability to calm me down, set me straight and protect me through ANYTHING I can possible conjure up to scare myself with...God!  If God is for us, who can be against us? 

And with that, I am teaching Ava this bible verse tonight:

  But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Isaiah 43:1-4  (emphasis mine)

The whole of creation!  God would trade the whole of creation for me.  For Ava.  For YOU! 

Yeah, I'll stop and let that sink in for you! 

I wish you all a day filled with peace, joy and understanding! 

Spaghetti Brain

I have a mish mosh of stuff just flowing through my brain the last few days. So many different things. Some important, some not.

I've been working out more. Trying to get ready for my knee surgery and then the subsequent recovery...in time for the Color Me Rad 5k in April! I am so excited!! I can't wait!

And in more exciting news, my Grandma and Grandpa will be here in 11 days! YAY! I kid myself that they are coming to see me, when I know that they are coming for the fantastic four!

A friend of mine I met through a twins group has started the process of adopting a little boy from another country and in that process is now adopting 2! I am so excited for her. She posts all these sweet, adorable babies that are up for adoption. Today she posted a link for a set of twins. And oh, how my heart hopes for those beautiful boys. I hope that someone can adopt them and give them the home they deserve. Jason and I have casually spoken of adoption many times over the years. I wish we were in a place where we could adopt these two. Unfortunately, at this time in our life, I feel God has different plans for us.

It can be so hard to see what it is that we should be doing sometimes, especially when you wish for something else, something you think God would approve of...the good news is that God always has a better plan for us.

To continue along my mish mosh path, I must say that I have had some weird dreams lately. All quite vivid and most of them containing old high school friends. What on earth should that tell me? LOL.

Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. And we're lame. We have no plans. Although, I did make some really cool football shaped cocoa crispy treats for church tomorrow.

I really thought I had a more coherent blog in my head, but alas, it is not meant to be...

Until next time!!