What a beautiful mess I'm in...

I was blessed to see "Journey to the Potter's house" this month. (see here for more information:http://www.ajourneytothepottershouse.com/  )It was amazing and such an awesome word for me.  During the presentation, I was so taken by something the potter said.  He shared how it is impossible for us to forget a memory.  We may not be able to recall it on a whim, but it will come to us, often when we least expect it.  Something will bring it to the forefront of our minds.  Maybe a smell triggered it, apple pie baking reminds us of a day spent with Grandma or sun tan lotion takes us back to our honeymoon.  Whatever it is, we've all been brought back by a memory.  Good or bad.

The context in which memories were discussed was on forgiving and forgetting.  I am here to say not only is that thinking damaging to us, it's also physically impossible. (minus amnesia I suppose, but I'm not talking about that.) The phrase forgive and forget distorts what forgiveness really is.  Forgiveness does not excuse the behavior of the person who sinned against you.  Forgiveness gives YOU the ability to move away from whatever has occurred. You can be set free by forgiving. 

Generally, forgiveness is a decision (a choice) to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.  
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

A lot of people point out that the bible has a verse on forgiveness and forgetting, and they like to ask, what do you have to say about that? 

Hebrews 8:12 says "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

It's important to know here the "I" speaking is God.  This is the only place in the bible it speaks of forgiving and forgetting.  I think that has significant meaning.  He never asks us to forgive AND forget because he created our bodies and He knows that forgetting a memory, or an experience is not something we can physically do.  He's asking us to make a choice.  Do we want to hold on to anger, frustration, revenge or do we want to choose to free ourselves the stranglehold it has on our lives?  The memory is always there.  Our brain (amazing thing, isn't it?) takes it all in.  Files it away for future reference. 

I spent many years, MANY YEARS, holding on to anger, bitterness, bafflement, resentment at my dad.  Why did he leave?  What was wrong with me that made him stay away?  Those thoughts turned to more trite statements of He doesn't know what he's missing out on, He's the one who will suffer in the end, He'll regret this and so and so forth.  I don't know that I ever wanted revenge so to say, but I wanted some sort of justice.  Some sort of vindication.  Some acknowledgement that he hurt me. 

And one day...one day  I realized I spent so much of my life, with my thoughts, time and attitude caught up in this crazy cycle and I realized, the hurt was consuming me.  Consuming me.  And it wasn't touching his life at all.  I was living in a prison.  Yes, I was hurt.  There is nothing that will change that.  All of the things he did or didn't do were done.  There was no changing it.  The only thing I could change was me.  How I thought, felt and acted about it. 

I won't say that I felt immediately lighter or that I never struggle with forgiving my dad, but I learned such a lesson.  First, forgiveness is about you, not the other person.  And secondly, forgiveness is a choice.  And sometimes you have to make that choice every single day.  Some days are easier than others. 

And sometimes memories aren't telling the whole truth.  I love this quote : Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.  ~Barbara Kingsolver.


I don't really know where I wanted to go with this when I started writing today.  I think I just wanted to set myself free from the myth of forgiving and forgetting.  They do not go hand in hand.  And maybe, it was something someone needed to hear today.  I've been reading a book called "God Loves Broken People (And Those Who Pretend They're Not) by Sheila Walsh and I love it.  If you're Facebook friends with me, you've seen me post a lot from it.  The most moving thing I have read is : Old wounds have  disgustingly good memories, but abysmally poor interpretive skills.

It has made me think, really think about some of my old wounds.  And I'll be honest, I hate it.  I hate thinking about my old wounds.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized some wounds need to be opened and purged or they will never heal.  And that requires quite a bit of pain, tears and grit to get it done.  Every scar has a story to tell.  And our scars are really what connect us in this world.  Just as our physical scars have stories (sometimes funny, sometimes tragic) our emotional scars do too.  And the most powerful thing we can do with those is to tell other people.  And maybe then, we'll stop believing that we're alone and no one knows how we feel.  We're created to be together, to be for each other, exactly as we are right now.  Right here in our beautiful mess. 

Some challenge results!

This blog isn't going to blow your mind or anything, but I did say I would let you know how it worked out for us! 

Levi was not a participant in case you were wondering.  We did however, ask that after we all had described ourselves to say 3 things that described each family member.  And across the board, we were all better at describing each other than ourselves. And nicer. 

Ava saw herself as:
Funny
Crazy (a friend of hers at school calls her crazy lady)
A little bit shy
Sometimes sad, mad or frustrated
She knows something very important:  God always loves her no matter what mood she is in!
She's good at: soccer, basketball, baseball and gymnastics.

She was described as:
A big sister (Elijah)
Friendly, happy, kind and loving (Tessa)
Sweet, loves to read, loves Jesus (mom)
Sweet, loving and caring heart, talented and clever (dad)

Tessa saw herself as:
A blonde with brown eyes
Good at ballet
Happy
Laughs a lot
believes in God
Likes unicorns
And my favorite thing she said:  I like the way I'm made!! (Could we all say this???  What a wonderful world that would be!!)

We described her as:
Little (Elijah)
Funny, exciting, and a very good sister (Ava)
Soft voiced, emotional, sings to her own tune and stubborn (dad)
Silly, friendly, fun, likes to Hug (mom)

Elijah saw himself as:
Good at soccer, well, all sports really (his words y'all)
Goofy
Strong

We described him as:
Goofy, sweet natured, sensitive (mom)
Amazing, talented, emotional (dad)
Happy, kind, loving (Tessa)
Crazy, super and a good brother (Ava)

We all described Levi:

Funny, gross, and he likes to scream a lot (Ava)
A baby (Elijah)
I love my baby brother, he screams a lot.  I like the way he smiles.  (Tessa)
Lights up a room with his smile, screams a lot, loves his daddy (Dad)
Silly, 2 years old (that means a lot) and sweet. (Mom)

Jason and I made our own lists, which I will share some of, but my main goal yesterday was to see what words I had used on my kids.  I am eternally grateful that it seems despite my human nature, my children are happy and well adjusted and apparently do not see me as a dictator.  Phew.  Relief! 

My list:
Funny
Critical
Moody
Friendly
Outgoing
Fat
Opinionated
A Christian
A mom
a wife
a sister
a confidante
spoiled (but not rotten)
Hard to please
unworthy
a good cook
a scaredy cat
like to be right
easy to anger
Bossy
Fun
stubborn

I was described as:
Having negative self image, loves her family, has creative and fun ideas to bring our family together, and sweats the small stuff (Jason)
Best mom ever (Elijah)
Nice, She loves me, I love her (Tessa)
Loving, caring and good looking (Ava)

Jason's list:
A Father
A son
A Sailor
People Pleaser
Jokester (who doesn't know when to quit)
Likes to build things
Strives to be a better parent
A fixer
A know it all

We described him as:
Loving, Caring, and silly (Ava) <---- obviously knows her good looks are from mom.  HAHA
Best dad ever (Elijah)
I like him, he's kind and loving (Tessa)
Sensitive, Loving, Moody (Trish)

The kids got it and yet didn't at the same time.  I am so thankful that they are happy to be who they are and I am going to try and support that as much as I humanly can as they grow.  God will use them and their unique personalities and talents in great ways!    I love how kids see the best in people and are willing to forget the worst of our personalities.  God's gift to parents everywhere!! 

Over the next month or so, I am really going to look at my list and see what I find to be true, what I find to be false and what I find I want to change.  It's going to be hard, enlightening and freeing.  Hope you all had luck with your lists!! 

Who do you think you are?

I know people may have assumed that this title should be said with a head swagger, finger wagging, sassy sort of way.  And if you didn't , go ahead and try it now.  I'll wait. 

But that's not what I meant!  I mean it quite literally.  Who do you think you are?  If you had to sit down and write out a list of who you are, what would it say? 

I have a challenge for anyone who is willing to accept it.  And before I throw it out there, let me just say, we'll be doing this at my dinner table tonight.  Write it out.  Who do you think you are?  I both look forward to and dread seeing what my children might write.  As I was reading today, this verse was part of the text:

Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

Proverbs 18:21

 

Wow.  I so hope I see that my words have given my children life and not poison, and the same for my husband, and sisters and brother and parents, friends, enemies, everyone.  I do not want my words to be poison for anyone.  And sadly I know I have used my words as poison.  I want my words to bring life, I have to continually control my thoughts and emotions to do so.  This is going to be something I try and work on everyday.  I love words.  I love to speak them, sing them and write them.  Sometimes, I even make up my own words.  And since I fling words around like confetti, it is my choice to make them be life affirming. 

 

Tonight when I peek through my fingers to see what my children write, I will ask God for forgiveness for any harshness I see exposed that I contributed to and I will pray for healing for my children in that area, that their wounds will be bound and seen no more.  I will also praise God for the wondrous ability he gave children to see more clearly who they are than those of us who have aged and been wounded by life.  Then I will do my absolute best to confirm that my children ARE and CAN be all of those things they see as great in themselves, and they can use them to fulfill dreams and their purpose. 

 

There is a second part to the challenge though.  I'm asking you to take a step out of your comfort zone here.  I want you to call, email, send a letter, Facebook message, WHATEVER way you can, communicate to someone you have used your words as poison.  It's ok to start small.  I'm not saying you should call the person that has hurt you most  (although if you think you are ready- I am so proud of you!) and call it a day.  The thing about forgiveness is that is doesn't excuse the behavior of the person you are forgiving, it releases you from the prison (anger, pain, abandonment) you have been trapped in by their actions.  But that is a whole other post.  I digress. 

 

Communicate with someone who you feel your words may have poisoned.  Ask them to forgive you and then give them some life affirming words.  You'll have to give about 10 times as many affirming words to overcome the negative poison words. 

 

I truly believe that deep down we want to be built up and yet we often so struggle to do that for others.  One day soon, I am going to write out a mission statement for my life and one of the first statements will be : I want to lift and encourage others with my words.  I choose to be a life giver. 

Let's break the crazy cycle of poison words and just encourage each other.  No matter what is happening in our own lives, we can be positive for other people. 

 

Sometimes we don't feel worthy to encourage others, but we are!  I read this statement today and I feel it down to my toes:

 

"Don't go through this baloney of "I can't forgive myself."  No, you can't forgive yourself.  No one can.  God forgives us and we accept His forgiveness and we are forgiven.  God will say to you in His word "Woman, I forgive you because I died in your place for that dirty little sin."  (Luis Palau)

 

We've all said it, Why can't I forgive myself?  And now it's clear, we can't.  We must accept God's forgiveness and then we are cleansed.  We may not feel it, but when we choose to believe it daily, we will begin to feel it! It's not feel it and then believe, it's believe and then feel it. 

 

So who's taking the identity challenge with me???  Once you've made your list, I pray that over the next week or  month, you'll go through each thing you wrote down, reflect on it and decide if it's true.  If it is a lie, something you've been told so often, you believed it to be true, I want you to mark it out.  Lies have no place in our identity! 

 

I would LOVE to hear how this works out for you all and you can be assured, I'll be sharing with you!!   You can message me here, or if you want privacy you can email me at inshockmom@gmail.com

 

"Let your only evaluation of worth derive from the awareness of God's love for you. All other measures leave one in a state of delusion."  Anonymous

 

 

Comparison kills!

My mom makes me strong! 

How often do we as moms feel that we do that for our children?

We get so good at trashing our self and tearing ourselves apart because we can't be the Pinterest mom that does this:

Or maybe that is just me that feels less because I don't do this?  Guess what?  I can't do this either:

 

 



 

 

There are a LOT of things I can not do in this life.  Some I really want to do and others, well, my inability doesn't bother me at all.  I could run through an entire list of things I don't do well and give you reasons why I believe it. 

But I'm finally learning to say NO! to that type of thinking.  Who says I have to focus so much on shoring up my weaknesses?  Who says I can only focus on what I can't do?  Yes, working on weaknesses can be good, can be necessary, but what we can't do, does NOT define us.  I'm weary of being told constantly what it is that is wrong about me according to the small few who dictate what is ok or not in our society.  I may never fly to the moon, pose on the cover of Vogue or sing songs so well I record a platinum record and that is ok.  I have a list of things I can do and so do you!

I can teach my children about God and his love.
I can encourage and lift up my husband.
I can keep 4 kids and a husband alive.  (I have a pretty impressive 9 year record there!  GO ME!)
I can talk.
I can write.
I can laugh.  I can make other people laugh!
I can read and pass on the love of reading to my children.
I can cook.
I can organize.
I can play sports and pretty well at that.
I can play games on a rainy Saturday with my kids.
I can plan family date nights and scavenger hunts.
I can make friends and keep in touch with the golden oldies I have...
I can use my every breath to love, encourage and inspire others.

I can't do any of this on my own power though.  God gave me all of these abilities because it pleases him for me to use them.  I don't always use them properly, I don't always think of them as gifts or abilities.  Sometimes, I just don't want to do anything for anyone else.  I want to do only what I want.  Then I sigh REALLY loud, suck it up and realize parenting is all about sacrifice.  But the joy from that sacrifice is without compare! 

So I am vowing to stop comparing myself to other moms.  The thing about comparison is, we are comparing our BLOOPER reel to their highlight reel.  And the mom we wish we more like is probably beating herself up because she can't do XYZ either.  So let's start encouraging each other because the one thing we all want to teach our children is how to love. 

God loves us, He created us because we please Him exactly as we are, not as we should be.
"Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God!
Take the glory! the honor! the power!
You created it all;
It was created because you wanted it." Rev 4:11 The Message

He WANTED us, so he created us.  Wow.  We are exactly right.  God created us for his pleasure.  We please him by simply being us. 

And even after I throw myself under the bus, cry in the bathroom, feel inadequate, wish I could take back those harsh words I just spoke to my sweet 7 year old daughter, I'll remember that Tessa (my five year old) said: 

"My mom makes me strong!"

Wild Women of Faith

I went to Women of Faith this weekend in Hartford.  It was amazing, it was enlightening, it was FUN!  I laughed and I cried and I laughed and I cried. 

The speakers this weekend were Sheila Walsh, Lisa Harper, Angie Smith, and Liz Curtis Higgs.  They also featured Mark Lowry (absolutely hysterical!) and Stovall Weems.  I got to see a concert by Third Day! 

A small group shot o top, and one of Angie Smith and I:

The weekend was full of Revelation for me.  I could probably go on and on for hours about it.  I'll spare you and hit the highlights! 

1) YOU were created by God FOR God's pleasure.  You exist simply because you please God.  He made you because you bring him joy.

2) Doubt is an emotion, Believing is a choice.

3) God hears.  God answers.  The space in between is God's time.

4) Strive to look like God, not like God's people.

5) Guilt tells us we did something wrong, shame tells us we ARE something wrong.

6) I'm not unwilling, I just don't know how.

7) Be thankful for what you have, it will become what you want!

8) Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”  The Greek word for lost used here is Apollymi.  It means "ruined, broken beyond repair"  Jesus came for us in our mess!

9)  Our job/finances/life circumstance do not define our core identity.  Our identity is in Christ alone.

10)  God loves the impossible!  Try him, you'll like him!

I hope that these 10 highlights can help you!  I hope you bring them close to you and hold onto the knowledge of being a beloved child of God. 

I am ending with a video that we watched at Women of Faith.  I hope it amazes you and moves you as it did me.  He is risen!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9RMWFzVLaQ

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory

When I think about you
I think about 17
I think about my old Jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
 - Eric Church "Springsteen"

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory...this line has been going around and around in my head all afternoon.  I saw something on Facebook today that took me way back.  All the way back to High School.  I think, I am an anomaly, I loved high school.  Every crazy, hormone induced, intense minute of it.  There were parts I would change if I could, and other parts (good and bad) I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. 

Today I have been thinking of something I would have changed, even then not knowing what I know now, and FOR SURE would have changed had I had the foresight and knowledge of my experience.  Many of you know me and went to high school with me, so even if I don't name names, you'll know who I am talking about. 

It's a story about the first boy I loved with all my heart.

I can't say that I remember exactly how I felt the first moment I saw him or that time stood still or went in slow motion but I can say from pretty close to the first moment I met him, my heart sure did flutter.  Young love.  Is there anything more enlightening, frightening or innocent than the first encounter with love?  I loved him in the only way I knew how, and boy, looking back, it must have been intense, scary and thrilling all at the same time for him, maybe even annoying.  Thank God he was blessed with a kind heart.  I could only love him in the way I knew to love, in the way I longed to be loved.  Which was really needy and afraid.  If you weren't around me, would you remember me?  I If I couldn't make you happy or didn't make you happy, would you still like me?  What would you do if I disagreed with you?  So many things.  Love tested. 

I had an absentee father.  Were some of my reactions to love colored by that?  Of course, they were, and as much as I hate to admit it, my husband still gets some of my knee jerk, abandonment issues with love reactions.  It's funny how much we can change and yet still be so much the same.

I've had some memories in my head today that have made me smile in fondness, laugh in happiness, and tear up in sorrow.  We can't go back and I don't want to, but boy, I wish that relationship had ended differently.  As an adult, I know that some friends are for life, some for a season, some for a reason. 

I truthfully loved him with all of my teenage being, but more I liked him.  I considered him my best friend through High school and I miss being able to say "do you remember that?  It was so hilarious, sad, crazy etc."  I have that with other life long friends and, I cherish those friendships.  But I wanted to cherish this one too.  It's been so long since I have thought about the way that friendship died.  Most certainly by my own actions.  I betrayed a confidence, the when, the how, the what are between he and I and certainly not up for sharing them in my blog, were they High school-ish?  Yes, but some of it was just human.  And it was all extremely personal. 

The implosion came the summer after senior year.  It was ugly, it was fierce, it was swift, it was final. Looking back, it could have been a combination of withdrawal in preparation for leaving for college and the secret shared.  I can't know the whole of what caused the severity on his part, but it hurt me.  His part of it, my part of it, the whole sum of it!  It was a painful lesson.  It was a painful loss. 

Obviously, I survived and I don't mean to be melodramatic, just truthfully nostalgic.  And I never knew how to say what I felt then, so now, it helps to say how it made me feel.  It was a loss that I wasn't able to cope with, I was ill prepared for the swift finality of it.  I made some poor choices following that, AND that is all on me.  I alone am responsible for how I react to my feelings. 

It's all brought me to where I am today.  When all is said and done, I can mourn the loss of the sweet first blush of love I experienced, I can mourn the loss of an amazing friendship, but it wasn't meant for me.  Everything that has happened since has shaped who I am today, everything that happened DURING has shaped me in some way. 

As I sit here finishing this blog, I am surrounded by 4 people I created with a man I love.  A love that has matured through age, experience, happiness, and sorrow. A love that makes my heart flutter. It grew out of my experience with a boy, who was becoming a man, from a girl who was trying to become a woman.  And my woman's heart can look back and smile on the experience a young girl shared with a truly remarkable boy. 

The Top Ten Things the (almost) Government Shutdown has taught me

According to the US Census Bureau at the time I wrote this post, there are approximately, 316,792,241 people in the United States.  And our Federal Government (The Legislative and Executive branch anyway) is made up of 537 people.  And those 537 people are keeping our Country hostage in a game of tug of war.  That is 0.0001695 % of the population.  Am I the only one that bothers? 

It's time we set down our ipads, our games of Candy crush (and trust me, I am an addict) , and small world views.  We need to look around and see what is becoming of our Great Nation!  America has never been perfect, but it has been good.  At the rate things are going, good won't be here much longer...and many argue it's already gone. 

You know what makes America great?  Service.  Serving as an elected official to run the government by the people FOR the people.  Americans who proudly volunteer to serve in their US Military.  Neighbors serving neighbors.  A place where it isn't about ME, it's about WE. 

I fear we've lost that. 



The Top Ten Things the Government shut down has taught me:

10.  People don't know the basics of how their US government works.

9.    People don't CARE about how the government works as long as their style of living remains unchanged.

8.   The government is encroaching more and more on our personal rights as private citizens.

7.    I care more than I thought and feel incredibly overwhelmed that there aren't more people wanting to challenge and change our government Status quo.

6.    The elderly and the military are used as pawns in the tug of war Congress has going on.  Fear tactics are unbecoming Uncle Sam.  Just thought you should know.  We will not bow down to fear.  Remember Pearl Harbor?  9/11?  Where is that American spirit in the face of this domestic threat?

5.   The media is no longer a source of unbiased information.  And despite what you may have heard, you can't trust everything you see on TV, read in a newspaper or find on the Internet.  Making fact finding that much harder. 

4.  Our society teaches our kids it's ok, no, it's NORMAL to have debt. 

3.  My husband and I can agree on a budget.  He is the sole source of income in our family and yet, we manage to compromise and agree on a budget.  Then we stick to it.  Without him threatening me to a grocery store shut down.  Nor will he raise my debt ceiling.   Want something new?  Can't afford it?  I have to save for it.

2.  No matter what happens, I have a family I love.  We have quirks and a diverse range of opinions, but we love each other and work together for the greater good. 

1.  God is great.  All the time.  He will provide us what we need.  It may not be what we WANT, but it will be what we need. 

If you agree with anything I have written, I'd love to hear from you.  And pass this along would you?

If you disagree with me, I'd like to hear from you too! 

Diversity

I haven't been very active here, have I? 

 I didn't really have anything to talk about.  Maybe I have the back to school blues.  Maybe I have the "oh no winter is going to come" depression, or maybe, I just haven't been moved to write. 

I think a million times about blogs to write.  I wish when I had the thoughts I could drop everything and hop to my computer and write my brilliant words.  Haha.  But often they come and go. 

Today, I've been thinking a lot about how we separate ourselves.  Labels.  Brainy.  Popular.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Mean.  Naive.  White.  Black.  Good.  Bad.  Friendly.  Lutheran.  Baptist. 

Not all labels are bad.  But it seems to me that labels have really limited us. Do we label ourselves?  Do we let others label us?  We do.  But what difference does it make what I think on labels?  Not much, except how I can help reach out and help someone regardless of their label or my own.  The only label you should accept and wear is the one God gives you.  And I guarantee you, he thinks you're lovely.  He thinks you are enough.  He thinks you have unlimited potential with Him by your side.  He doesn't just think this, He knows it.

Jesus speaks to us in the bible about diversity.  I strongly suggest reading 1 Corinthians 12 in it's entirety.  But for the purpose of this blog, I'll only be sharing parts. 

The words of God share this point more eloquently than I ever could. (1 Cor 12:12-14 and 24b-31)

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ.  For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.
Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many....(vs 24 b)But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.  Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

That is a label I can live with..."Hi, I'm Trisha and I am a part of the body of Christ. " I like how that sounds. 

I've been a student of the bible since before I can remember, mainly because I had to...I had to at church, I had to at school, but I felt imprisoned by a moral code I couldn't live up to.  I was told either verbally or by action that I failed, that I couldn't be good.  My life as a checklist Christian was miserable.  Go to church, check.  Pray before eating, check.  Memorize bible verses, check.  And when I failed, no one pointed out mercy to me.  In truth, maybe someone tried, I was probably already starting my rebellion period.  Which if I am honest, I still rebel at times.  What did it take to get me back to a real stance, a real relationship with God?

The death of my daughter.  I was pissed.  I was hurt.  I felt like I was being punished.  I felt like my whole life was crumbling.  And boy did I let it rip at God.  I said things to him that should send me straight to hell, and should have in the instant I said them. 

But do you know what he did?  He held me while I raged, He held me while I cried, He held me when I didn't have the strength to hold myself up.  Because He loves me.  Because His way is peaceful beyond any worldly understanding.  He did not say to me that I don't know what I am talking about, He didn't tell me that there is a procedure to follow, He didn't tell me that I was bad or hateful or wrong.   And He could have.  But He chooses to bring us to him by love.  Yes, love has discipline and consequences.  I've had both.  But it isn't shaming.  It isn't hurtful.  Painful, maybe.  But it is painful to realize we have done wrong, that we have hurt others.  It is painful (for me anyway) to admit when I am wrong.  It's painful to be vulnerable and ask others for forgiveness when we confess our sins against them. 

I didn't really see the blog going this way today, but apparently He had other plans.  I am not saying that we should accept things that are not the truth, not all paths lead to God, everyone isn't right, but what I am saying is we are set apart by the LOVE of God, so let that be what I show the world.  His Love. 

Today, no matter what your beliefs, I pray that you try and live the following words,  And I also pray that something I have said, say or will say, will one day bring you to our own relationship with God. 
^"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. "  Ephesians 4: 2-3

 

Quiet on the Blog front.

How can I have the need to say so many words in one day and yet have my blog be so quiet lately??

I guess I have just been enjoying my summer with the kids and catching up on "How I Met Your Mother."  Yes, I am a new addict to that show. 

My mom is coming for a visit tomorrow and Elijah told me today that tomorrow is "going to be the best day EVER!" Because Mawmaw Puppy will be here.  Could be that he knows she ALWAYS takes them to Chuck E Cheese. 

School starts up in 9 days.  How did that happen?  Summer flew right by.  Goodbye PJ lounging until 9 am.  Hello, crying, whining  and arguing over breakfast. 

Poor Levi is going to be so bored without anyone else here with him.  Guess we'll be able to plan more play dates.  Just me and the dude. 

Anyway, I don't have anything awesome to post about today, just wanted to say hi! 

Love and Respect

Do you ever have one of those days where you think to yourself :"Gee, I totally blew that!" ????

I do.  And it seems lately I have been having more of them.  I'm sure we could sit down and explore what has been going on in my life to find many reasons why that might be, but that would really just end up being an excuse.  A good one perhaps, but still. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my role as a wife.  I desperately want to be a good one.  And it seems that I fail at it more often than not.  I snap at my husband when I'm tired.  I rarely give him my full attention and even when I don't mean to, I give him the feeling that I don't care about the things he cares about.  Is it a crazy cycle?  Yes. Does he do it to me as well?  Sure.  We're human and it happens.  But I want to be more deliberate in my actions as a wife.  I don't want to take Jason for granted.  He honors me in a way no one has before him.  I could go on and on about what makes him a great husband, terrific father and fantastic friend, but I might just save that for later. 

Love and Respect.  Powerful words made more powerful by action.  For most women, loving comes naturally.  It is built into the core of our being, to give it and to receive it.  We're nurturers as God and nature intended us to be.  That doesn't take away from or diminish our other abilities in anyway.  Ever heard of the Amazons?  We can be powerful warriors, corporate leaders, stay at home moms, teachers, professional athletes etc.  All of these things are amazing and we are capable of so much, but today I say why do we focus so much on that instead of our amazing ability to love? 

And men, they are built with a core need for respect and to respect.  That one can be hard for me.  What is respect?  The definition is as follows: 

Noun A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Verb Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Let's take a look at what admire means: Verb Regard (an object, quality, or person) with respect or warm approval. Look at with pleasure Oh, man.  It's a VERB!  That means I have to DO IT, not just think it.  I have to act it out! And that is where the disconnect lies for me.  I do think that my husband is awesome.  He works hard for us, he takes time out for us and he enjoys being with us.  I know this by the way he acts every single day.  It's always in my head and yet, for as awesome as Jason is, he can not read my mind.  I need to be better about encouraging Jason, saying to him what I think.  That can be weird for me because I feel like Jason should know because of my acts of service.  Making dinner, cleaning the house etc  That is how I show love, because that is how I receive it.  But Jason, he shows love by words of affirmation because that's how he receives it.  Learning each others love languages is crucial.  What makes your husband feel loved and respected?  What makes you feel loved and respected?    I have found that while women need love and men need respect, that they are often so intertwined with each other that you get both!  I find it amazing that as a nation, we have such a huge industry that revolves around marriage.  And the best thing I can say is that God tells us the key in Ephesians 5: 33 " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  Say what?  God commands men to love their wives because they need it.  And women to respect their husbands because they need it.  I'm thankful we live in a society that does have people who care and are willing to help us figure out how to do that when we can't seem to help ourselves.    So I guess the question I have been asking myself is how can I respect my husband in a way he can receive it?  I'll be thinking about that and trying to act out my love for Jason in respectful ways!    Care to join me?  Let's start a respect revolution.    A wise man once said:  "Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."  - Martin Luther

Rest Assured

I have been slacking lately.  Not sure why.  I just haven't been motivated to write.  So today, I thought I would share my devotional journal entry.  Maybe it will  mean something important to someone out there. 

 

S: Isaiah 12:1-2
In that day you will say:
“I will praise you, LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
... your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.
2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense;
     he has become my salvation.”
O: Yes, we have angered God and been disciplined by him. His anger has been turned away by Jesus' crucifixion. Therefore, He is our salvation.
A: I need to learn the 2nd part of verse 2. "I will trust and not be afraid...the Lord is my strength and my song." People often tell me after hearing my testimony "you're so strong" "I couldn't have survived that" etc. The truth is, I didn't. I didn't do it on my own. God granted me supernatural power, strength, and perseverance. And he place wonderful counselors, friends and family in my path.
P: Father,
I believe in miracles. I live with one every single day. I believe in your mighty strength. I'm sorry that I make you small enough to fit into my understanding. I limit you in my own ability to understand. Lord, let me be brave and courageous and know your power, grace, and love are beyond my comprehension. Let me be humble and full of Thanksgiving for all you have blessed me with in my life. Please allow my blind eyes to be opened to see that you care about every single detail of my life and not just the big stuff. Surely, God, you are my salvation. I want to trust and not be afraid. Help me to bless others today, tomorrow and always for your glory, not my own. Amen

Summer time!

Kids are finally out of school!  YAY!  We have been enjoying our first week out and the kids are mad that Daddy isn't on summer vacation too! 

We have so much going on this summer.  But our main hurdle is Ava's surgery July 16th.  She's having her tonsils out with the hopes that Strep will stay far away from her. 

One of my besties is moving to the east coast in August and I am so excited to see her.  I simply can't wait!  Hi Cassondra!!!!!! 

I am hoping to make it to South Carolina this summer to see my sister, but I think that is probably a pipe dream.  Sigh.  Timing, among other issues, is always an issue. 

This is a pretty rambling blog, with no real point.  I just haven't been on in a while. 

I just want to encourage everyone to keep praying and to know that relief, success, joy...it's all around the next bend.  Stand firm! 

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Heb 11:1

Summer is often a time of renewal and happiness for many, but we all still have our struggles.  Keep the faith y'all! And enjoy some pictures....

Battlefield of the Mind

How on earth has it possibly been a month since I have posted.  I must be the worlds worst blogger.  In that time I have had brilliant ideas for blogs.  Did I write them down?  No, No I did not.  *insert sigh here.* 

There seems to be so much going on all the time and yet at the same time, nothing life changing.  Each day kind of blends into the next.  I'm enjoying my kids and can NOT wait for summer vacation!  14 days and we are free for summer!  YAY!!

When I think of seasons, I always think of spring as a time of renewal.  Look at all the beautiful flowers popping up, we've planted a vegetable garden and we have so much green to enjoy.  And yet, I can't help but feel my spiritual life is stagnating.  Does it just feel that way?  Am I doing something that is making me feel that way?  I recently was reminded that God requires our cooperation, but he tells us in his word, in Philippians 1:6 "⁶ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." 

Sometimes I doubt my "savedness."  I don't think that is a word, so you're welcome.  But this is the thing, I know that I know that I know, I accepted Jesus when I was 11 years old, it was amazing.  It was sad, scary and all together joyful and lovely.  Sad because of facing my sins and repenting (breaking my heart for what breaks His) scary because, man, he asks me to do a lot of things I simply do not want to do.  Joyful and lovely due to His peace.  His hope. His love.  His Grace.

So with all of that, my heart was on fire.  This girl was on fire.  (please, please, if you love me, you will SING that line) But then, the fire faded, was dampened, until only a smoldering mess was left.  In the worlds eye, I was a pretty "good" person.  I was in the Army, I took care of myself, I was smart, savvy, capable, strong and disciplined.  But oh I knew what I was really like.  And I thought constantly "How can anyone love me?" 

And I realize during this sleepy, hibernating spring that what is tamping my flame down is the lie of the enemy.  How many times must I fall for the same tricks of the deceiver?  He always hits me where it hurts.  He knows just which key to turn or button to push. He makes me think "maybe God can't love me and I've done so much wrong, he would certainly not extend his salvation, love and grace to me!" He hits me in my esteem.  My self worth, my "how can anyone love me" heart.

So what is it that you may be struggling with?  What lie of this world, this society, this deceiver are you believing?  Recognize it for the lie that it is. 

I feel like Stuart Smalley, but I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it people like me!  More importantly, God loves me. 

I need to pick up my Shield of Faith and get the battle on.  I can assure you, and myself , that nothing will feel stagnate in the heat of the battle.  And perhaps, that is why I am stagnating in the first place...Life is so full of ups and downs, so much trauma, drama and just exhausting days that maybe I have been "sitting" myself on the sidelines of the battlefield.  Maybe I have been watching the chaos and not wanting to be involved. 

The truth is this : War effects us all, even if we aren't in the combat zone.  Having been a Soldier and being married to a Sailor, one would think I would be better at remembering that.  There is a price for being a believer in this time and space.  And just likes taxes, I can't avoid it. 

Ironically, while writing this, I went online to do some reading and as I was reading today's devotional on Gospel.com, It has been affirmed that this is indeed what God was saying to me...check this out (an excerpt from the devotional):

"One of the paradoxes of Christianity is that, while our faith is centered around sharing Christlike love and peace, our private spiritual lives are vividly likened to a battleground. Warfare and battle are apt metaphors for our constant struggle to resist temptation and remain committed to the principles of the Bible.
What does this “spiritual war” look like in our lives, and how does it manifest? More importantly, how do we make sure we win this war? In a short devotional essay on spiritual war, Al Menconi explains where this spiritual warfare takes place… and lays out a battle plan for victory. Menconi believes that our minds are the ground zero of this spiritual war, and that we’re particularly vulnerable to spiritual attacks that come at us through the entertainment we absorb": (here is the link to the whole thing: http://www.gospel.com/blog/index.php/2010/08/26/todays-devotional-winning-the-spiritual-war-in-our-minds/ )
I fight a deceiving, sneaky and brilliant enemy.  I need to remind myself of that.  Even God tells me through Paul in 2 Cor 10: 13 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does."

I guess all I am really saying, is The God of Angel Armies is a friend of mine.  And I'd do well not to forget it. 

Better living through Laughter!

Day 6.  Something I hope I never have to do. 

Well, my biggest fear was realized 7 years ago.  Burying your child is just not right.  It's not in the natural order of things.  I pray that I never have to do that again.  I'd love to NEVER have to attend a child's funeral EVER again anywhere.  It sucks.  It's wrong.  It's confusing.  It's unfair.  It's also part of life.  A sucky one, but it's there.  I could have chosen to go a different route with this Truth with Trish, but it is the bitter truth.  However, because I can, I am going to end this blog with some funnier, lighter things, ALSO very much me.  Laughter is such a balm to a soul experiencing sorrow. 

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the Human face".  Victor Hugo

Let's prepare for spring and summer!!

Trish's Top 10 I don't want to do it list *subject to change on any given day!

10.  Go through Labor, ever again.
09.  Accidentally stick my hand in baby poop during a diaper check. 
08.  Potty train.  (Levi is going to teach himself, right???)
07.  Wash dishes
06.  Comb head lice out of Ava's hair.  Ever.  Or mine, or Tessa's...the boys will just get a shave if it  happens to them. 
05.  Mop.  Or sweep.  What is it with these chores I can not stand?  Please never look at my floors when you visit.
04.  Write term papers.  Seriously.  They exist only to torture people.
03.  Talk on the phone to the insurance company.  Ok, so this happens frequently in my life, but I still don't WANT to do it!
02.  Live without electricity.  I love my air conditioner.  I love my TV.  I love my computer.  I love that God created me in this time. 
01.  Wear granny panties....uh oh.  It may be too late to save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Don't you judge me.  They are comfy. 

Well, there you have it.  More information about me you didn't want to know, but will now have it burned into your brain forever.  You are welcome friend!

Better late than never, right?

Right?  Right?  Anyone?

I was laughing when I wrote the title to the blog.  Because I intended it as "been a while since I wrote one", but it also applies to Truths with Trish day 5.  Obviously I am not doing consecutive days, as it's been two weeks since my last Truth blog.  Life sure shows and prohibits my blogging sometimes!!

Today's Truth with Trish statement is:
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.

I could make a huge list, but I think I will start with one that has been on my mind a lot lately. 
College!  Woo!  Yay!  Ugh! What?  That about sums it up.  Ha.  I have 60 college credits, so technically, I have DONE it, but I sure would like to FINISH it. 

I have some issues to work out with the VA and then, it's time.  I'd like to have my college degree before Ava has hers! 

That's it!  That's all I have to say about that! 


Short, but sweet.

Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army. ~Edward Everett

Boston, Believe!

As I sat down tonight to attend to my blog, I can't help but weep for the senseless tragedy that occurred in Boston today.  Patriot's Day.  Please join me in my prayer for Boston.

Heavenly Father,

Today, we are a nation who feels wounded.  We feel violated.  We feel angry.  We feel disbelief.  How can this be happening?  Lord, I understand we may never understand why this happened.  And even if we could, it changes our feelings none.  It changes this day not one bit.  Families destroyed by a cowardly act.  I pray that you "Arise, Lord, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, my God; decree justice." (psalm7:6) I long for the return of our Nation to be a Nation that believes in your mighty power.  I pray for the families so intimately touched and changed by this.  Please grant your Peace that passes ALL understanding to our fellow countrymen.  Grant them self control, patience, love, joy, kindness and goodness.  Most of all Lord, I pray you grant them Belief!  Believe Boston!  Your God is mighty and He is for you. 

You God are Good, when there is nothing good in this world! In your Holy Name, I ask for these things Father. 

Amen.

Day 4!!

Day 4: Something you need to forgive someone for.

I don't know about you, but man, I am ready for a funny, teenage question right about now. 

These last few days have been very emotional with the 30 days of truth.  I'm not one to really linger in the past, but for this one, the very most obvious answer is my dad.  And I have forgiven him for many things, but what do I still need to forgive him for?  What are the things unseen that I will be uncovering for the rest of my life? 

I feel that I am very well adjusted.  A contributing member to our society.  Not having my dad around as I grew up, well, many people have faced that unfortunately.  I wish that more people were able to say "Yes, this was done TO me, but I choose to DO differently."  Yes, our hurt is real.  And it deserves to be acknowledged.  But then, what do we do with it???

To forgive means to let go of resentment, to give up the right to retaliation (requital). And that is the hard part.  The resentment, oh some days it seethes in your soul.  It took me some time before I realized that  I was drowning a pool of my own resentment and that my dad wasn't even thinking of it.  We see forgiving someone as weak, as being a doormat and that forgiveness allows to let the same thing happen over and over again.  Yet, in reality, forgiveness is the very thing that saves you.  And in a very cool God move, a friend of mine posted this quote on her page today:

"But forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." - Trisha Davis, refineus.org

YES!  Oh yes!  This is true.  So so true. 

I love my dad.  He made so many choices I can not even begin to fathom nor agree with, but I love him because he is my dad.  I feel that in a way growing up without him as a constant presence in my life was for the better.  The little girl I was would never been able to grasp that.  That little girl desperately wanted to know why her daddy couldn't be bothered with her.  As a mom, I can't comprehend being able to leave my child in that way.  As a wife, I can't see how the Father of my children would ever or could ever walk away from the 4 beautiful children we created together.  I have come to accept that I will never know why and if for some reason I knew why, it would honestly change nothing. 

I believe that God speaks so much about forgiveness because He knows that it in our ability to forgive, we set ourselves free.  God can and will handle and heal our hurts in ways that no one else can.  I know that we often view forgiving someone as a weakness, and I have finally learned it takes more strength and courage to forgive than it does to harbor a hurt. 

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  Mahatma Gandhi

I pray so often for a humble, vulnerable heart.  Because these do not come naturally to me.  But I have also learned through experience that forgiving someone heals a heart in so many ways. 

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past-but you sure do change the future."  Bernard Meltzer.

Truths with Trish Day 3: Forgiveness

I had a whole blog typed out friday to post! And then, there was a "script error."  I was very VERY bummed, as I had given this a lot of thought, time and attention.  Turns out, I think, that I was meant to write it.  But I truly believe that it was one blog that was meant to be just between me, my computer and God.  I believe that it was something I needed to write for myself, something I needed say, again not only to myself, but to God. 

The script error was God's way of saying to me that baring that to him was enough.  So now I let him begin the process of healing that hurt within me. 

I don't write all of that to produce any drama or what is she talking about??  It has a lot to do with everything that happened when the girls were born and Sophia passed away.  And that is where I will leave that for now.  For those of you that know me and know how challenging that whole time in my life was(and truthfully, will always be), please keep me in your prayers as I finally take that wound down from the shelf and deal with it with God. 

Having said all of that, don't worry, I have other things I can blog about it here for Truth Day 3!

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Seriously.  Again.  So many things!  I could write the great American novel on this subject alone.  I don't know that anyone would want to read it, but I could write it!!

I'm going to be sort of vague here or it will get to be a novella.  One thing I really need to forgive myself for would be my past.  Yep, that's a loaded word right there. 

I spent all sorts of time blaming myself for things that weren't my fault and that I couldn't control.  I spent a lot of time, energy and self looking for things that I was never going to find in the places I was looking.  I've done things that I am not proud of and I have done things that I AM proud of...Even if given the chance, I don't know that I could, even if I wanted to, change my past.  It completely made me who I am today.  And while I still have many things that I can work on, I like me.  I've came to a place in my life where I've come to realize that while I am not perfect, I am me.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I tell everyone who knows me "To know me, is to know my issues." 

So I know this was pretty vague, but I want to forgive myself for all those things I did that I am not proud of, the things that took pieces of me away with them that I can't get back and the times I knew I was doing something wrong and did it anyway. 

And once I do that, I need to let myself accept the forgiveness that God has for me.  He's just patiently waiting for me to grab it and embrace it!  

Truths about Trish Day 2!!

Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 

Hmmm.  One would think this would be easy.  And if it's not (it isn't for me!)  It really should be!!  We all have something that makes us unique and wonderful. 

Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs, comedies and tragedies.  I've lived through a lot of them.  I'm what you might call a stubborn, independent "walk-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer" gal.

It served me well in school.  No amount of peer pressure would have persuaded me to do something I genuinely did not want to do. I believe this kept me out of a lot of trouble. 

Added to my stubborn streak is a happy outlook.  Optimism is part of my language.  Some days, it gets tampered down, but all in all, I'm a happy person.  I believe happiness is a choice in many ways.  Contentment, man, that's where it's at.  Because you can be content and not be "happy."

So I guess what I am saying is that I like my personality.  It suits me.  I'm friendly, outgoing, compassionate, but not a pushover. 

I've also learned I need to be a bigger cheerleader for myself.  Here I am handed a day to toot my own horn and I'm struggling to come up with more than my personality.  LOL. 

Ooooh, I'm a good cook.  True story.  People like to eat the food I make.  Well, everyone but my kids.  And they don't count.  They live off chicken nuggets and pizza, but I digress...

I really like my smile.  4 years of braces made them nice and straight.  Thanks Mom!!

I'm at a loss of how to cleverly end this blog, so I decided we'll make this "Make Trisha feel good night."  (Remember our Make a Person feel good nights Toni?  HAHAHAHA)

So, if you've got the time or the inclination, tell me, what do YOU think is my best quality??? 

Thanks in advance for the kind words and ego boost! 

The Thirty Days of Trisha Truth: Day 1

OOOOOOH!  The day we have been waiting for...day one of Truths about Trish. 

Some of the daily truths are a little teenager-ish and may be tweaked, but then again, maybe not. I think just by answering the questions, I will learn, relearn or otherwise realize things about myself, so I am kind of excited by the whole thing. 

Day 1 Truth:  Something that I hate about myself.

Seriously, where do I begin?  And by saying that I am in no way saying I hate myself.  In truth, I am quite content that I am made the way God made me.  So let's weave through some of the things I don't like about myself. 

I'm going to start superficially and say I don't like my weight.  Not a fan of it.  But then, I am working on it.  Go me!  Otherwise, I am pretty happy with my looks.  I'm not a smoking hot babe, but I'm no slouch either.  Make up, well, it pretties me up to my hearts content.  Plus, it's fun to play with...

If I had to say there is something I hate about myself, it would be the constant inner turmoil.  Do this or that?  Motivate or procrastinate?  I think we all do this, but some people have a much better grip on their inner struggles and have peace with it.  I tend to let myself believe the lie that I am the only one who struggles each day, even if it's only in little ways.  I beat myself up because I should be, do, act better.  Or sometimes, do less. 

I remind myself of Paul.  Well, it's the only time I'll admit that I act like Paul anyway(even though he is an amazing man of God, he often gets on my nerves...mainly beacause he speaks truth into areas of my life I'd like left alone...more on that another time!)  When he says in Romans 7: 15 " For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled, bewildered]. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe." (amplified version)

Oh how often do I do this???  Why do I keep sitting on the couch staring at the mindless TV instead of getting up and doing my devotions?  Or taking a walk?  Why do I often choose to do to the things that bring me guilt and shame instead of doing the things that bring me peace, joy, health?

A wise man I know (hint: it's Pastor Jim) asked me the other day if I ever felt bad if I skipped a meal.  My first response was no.  I don't feel bad.  But I would feel bad if I made someone else miss a meal.  The point being, devotions are like a meal.  We need them and they sustain us, but should we feel guilty and shamed if we miss one??  The answer is, of course, no.  God longs for us to be in his word and he knows it fulfills us, but he is never condemning, the voice of guilt and shame?  It's not God. 

So in closing, is there anything I truly hate about myself?  I've decided the answer is no.  Because I think the only way I could hate something about myself was if it was unchangeable.  And I believe that through God all things are possible.  Including changing the things about myself that I would rather not admit. 
Stay tuned for Day 2 this week!!

Just a little Teaser!

Ok, so I have been trying to think of a way to kick start my blogging again. 

I found something I am going to try.  It's called "30 Days of Truth".  I think some of them are kind of interesting, but will do them anyway.  I don't know if I will actually get them every day consecutively, but I am going to do all 30 days. 

So if you follow my blog, stay tuned.  I think that we will all learn a few things about the crazy gal you call Trish! 

Learning to say you're sorry. Painful, yet poignant.

Well, I learned another valuable life lesson today.  One that has been told to me often enough.  Think carefully before you speak.  Or in today's society, think carefully before you post on FB, tweet, text and so on.  I've never been good at this.

I posted a political cartoon today that did, in all honesty, amuse me.  I took it simply at face value.  A cartoon.  Not really real, with a smidgen of truth, however discombobulated the truth was presented in it.  Upon a lively discussion on one page and offending a good friend on my own page, I removed it off mine because a very convincing argument on the deeper level was offensive to many of my friends.

Luckily, my friend is a true friend and forgave me because, 1) I asked 2) I apologized sincerely and 3) friends can disagree without malice, anger or finger pointing and love each other despite their differences. 

No one wants to be wrong, no one enjoys that.  As I have grown as a person and as a Christian, God has often PAINFULLY molded me into being the kind of person who can say a sincere apology and truly be at peace with being wrong.  I feel convicted when I have done something that can be construed as hateful, demeaning etc.  Even if the original intent was not that at all.

I'm not going to turn this into a political post by any means, but I feel as if I should say that my political views should in no way hinder my relationships with people I love and care about.  And since the last time I checked, I am still a human, my greater purpose is to love those around me.  The ones I don't agree with, the ones I don't like, the ones who don't like me (this one is hard for me). 

"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" Matthew 5: 46

I am called to love everyone.  Not just those who love me or think just like me.  But everyone. 

I'm feel I am so often like the pharisees, being so literal in the law, that I forget about Grace, Mercy, Love, Compassion.  And I don't want that for myself.  I don't want it for my children.  The best I can do is admit when I have done something wrong or offensive, apologize and move on.  That is a model I can handle being for my children.  Love isn't always happy, sunshine and fun.  It's often being wrong, perhaps even a little hateful in our desire to be right, but then learning how to apologize for the hurt, the anger, the downright wrongness we have the capability of bestowing on one another.  And I hope with all my heart that anytime my children see me react in haste, hurt, or anger in a prideful, wounding way to another, that they also see me convicted of my wrongness, and see me offer sincere apologies to the person I have wronged.  Not just in words, but also in action.

I want to be seen as someone who loves everyone as Christ did.  Not just in  the words that I say, but in the life that I lead.  And IT is possible to disagree with someone without fear or anger. 

So today I ask you: Are you beliefs lining up with your actions? 

It's a struggle.  But I promise to encourage you.  So please, encourage me.  And for pity's sake, just know I am going to have to apologize to YOU at some point too. 

Thanks for being forgiving!

Quiet on the blog front!

Hi all.  I am so sorry I have been so quiet.  Just a lot of busy bee stuff, and  nothing major. 

Ava had an opthamology appointment today and we will now be patching her eye for 2 hours a day and we go back to the opthamologist in April.  Levi also goes back to see his Kidney specialist in April.  Big month at Yale Medical Center by the Perry's. 

Since we have been so busy and crazy and whatever-adjective-you'd-like-to-include-here few weeks.  I thought I'd break it down "Top 10 style"

10) I had knee surgery.  Yay! Boo!

9)  Because of # 10, I got to see my Grandma and Grandpa for a week!  Hooray me!

8)  Snow.  Too much for me.  This girl is OVER winter.

7)  Big date night with the main squeeze.  It had been too long.

6)  The news that one of my BFF's is moving to the east coast in August!  Yay!  #lettheplanningbegin!

5)  New haircut and color.  I look marvelous if I do say so myself!!

4)  Paid off some debt.  WHOOP!

3)  Started the process to go back to school.  Must CLEP some credits.  Pray for me.

2)  Started a new bible study called "Believing God" by Beth Moore with some ladies at church.  So far, so awesome.

1)  In 34 days my sweet, tiny, crazy, hectic, chaotic, lovely, precious twinkles will be 5.  How did that happen?  I swear the thought is keeping me up at night!  5!  No way.

So that is just a snap shot into the life and times of an Inshockmom lately. 

I've missed journaling/blogging/thinking out loud here. 

Stay tuned.  April is bound to be good! 

Don't cry for me down here

It's been 7 years today.  7 years.  At times it seems like just yesterday and other times it seems much longer than 7 years. 

I remember some of the strangest things about that time.  I remember laughing at a joke Jason made as I was climbing into bed....and then the phone ringing, telling us we need to get to the hospital right away.  I remember standing in front of the refrigerator because I needed something to drink.  I took a bottled water and never opened it.  I remember the music on the radio on our way to the hospital.  It was "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley. 

There was a chaotic ballet going on at the NICU when we arrived.  I was too numb to think, there certainly wasn't clarity to my thought process.  I remember looking in the isolette at Sophia.  Such a beautiful girl.  So tiny, so perfectly made.  But as I looked into her eyes, I could tell what made her Sophia was already gone and it would be selfish of me to put her tiny body through the pain of life support.  The doctor explained to us our choices.  Life support, which at best would buy us a day or to take her off the vent.  At this point, she had many procedures to help her heart rate and breathing  and her prognosis was dismal.  Painfully prolong or death with dignity. 

I remember staring at Jason and willing him to choose and leave me out of it!  I wanted no part in such a decision.  In the end, we prayed over her and the nurses took Sophia out of the isolette and I held her, while her nurse stood behind me manually pumping air into her.  I remember looking up behind me at the nurse, Karen, who stood so stoically, rhythmically pumping air in and standing, silently crying.  Tears rolling down her face. 

Jason and I decided that we would take Sophia off her vent and let God decide the rest.  We wanted to hold her without the wires, the monitors, the trappings of the NICU, the same trappings that would, in the end, save the life of her twin, Ava.  The NICU staff set up  rocking chairs for us and put up a privacy screen.  And in the hum of the NICU, I held my baby as she took her last breaths.  I remember wanting to sit there forever and never having to leave.  Because leaving made it real. 

As time passes, the grief can be bearable and other days, it's like I am still there in all that chaos, with my heart beating rapidly and my mind in a tizzy, so foggy and confused.  So in denial of this happening to me.  I've learned that I will never be the same person I was before this day.  I'm a different me.  The me that has had to learn to live with the loss of her firstborn child.  The me that feels guilty that Ava's sister isn't here and that somehow their preterm birth could have been prevented by me.  The me that still struggles with why this would happen to me, to ANYONE.  Then, I realize, it's not about me.  And it's all about her.

How many lives to Sophia touch?  Her life had meaning and purpose.  All of our lives have meaning and purpose.  And when we fulfill God's purpose, he brings us home to heaven.  I may never know her life's purpose.  But I do know that her life will impact people for generations to come.

As I was contemplating what I would write today, I couldn't help but think of how biblically signifigant the number 7 is...

In the Hebrew, 7 is shevah. It is from the root savah, to be full or satisfied, have enough of. Hence the meaning of the word "seven" is dominated by this root, for on the seventh day God rested from the work of Creation. It was full and complete, and good and perfect. Nothing could be added to it or taken from it without marring it. Hence the word Shavath, to cease, desist, rest, and Shabbath, Sabbath, or day of rest.

This year I choose to view the time I had with Sophia as good and perfect.  Full and complete.  Nothing can be added to her life or taken away from it without marring it.  Her 15 days here, were perfect in the eyes of God.  And then she went home to rest.  I know she is looking down on us in anticipation of the day when we will all be together again.  Just as I look to the heavens and know I will see her again some day. 

God tells me in Psalm 30:5 that mourning may last for an evening, but joy comes in the morning.  There have been many nights when I thought morning would never come.  But it does.  God is faithful to his word.  And I know one day, when he has completed his work in me, I too, will rest in his presence.  And when that day comes, I want you to have a party for me.  Today, I will leave you with the words and a link to the Brad Paisley song that played on the radio the night we lost Sophia.  I believe it was a reminder from God that greater things are yet to come. 

When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm going,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4

Wishy Washy!

I feel so restless lately.  Like something needs to change.  Something big needs to happen.  I don't even know what would qualify all that.  I'm not unhappy with anything in my life.  I just have this sense of change. 

Usually, I would say I have an adventurous spirit.  I like moving (to see new places and things- not the leaving of friends), I like meeting new people, trying new things...But it seems the older I get the less I enjoy the things I used to enjoy when I was younger....and not a mom! 

I wish I could more accurately describe what I feel, but it's just this intense feeling of restlessness.  That's the best I got.  I'm open to some change in our lives, but it's also scary.  What does God have in store for me?  Jason?  Ava, Tessa, Elijah, Levi?  Where will we end up?

Maybe all of this stems from my seriously considering going back to school.  For those of you that don't know, Connecticut has free tuition for Veterans.  And for those of you that may have forgotten, THAT'S ME!  LOL.  The plan was always to wait until the kids were in school before I finished my degree, but financially speaking, this would save us a lot of money! No, money isn't everything, but it sure would be nice to not have a student loan at the end of my degree. 

I've taken the first step and contacted the Continuing education office at Eastern Connecticut.  Now I just wait for a call back and then set up an admissions appointment.  I will definitely be going part time at first and will take night classes.  Levi is my main concern.  I do not want him to have to be in daycare.  Yes, I know, there are many worse things.  If I can manage night classes and maybe one daytime class, maybe I can find a friend who would watch him for a few hours a week. 

Again, at this point, it's all speculation.  I just feel like this would be a good move for us and I also feel God nudging me in that direction.  I've been resisting.  A lot!  I was a good student.  But for some reason, I am petrified of going back to school.  What do I know about studying?  Writing papers?  UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.   I am so afraid of failing.  And I am not sure why that is...

Partially because I feel like it  took me so long to come to terms with being a stay at home mom.  And I'll be honest, I am content in my role.  I've always imagined I would return to work at some point, at least to help set us up for retirement if nothing else.  I'm in no rush, but having my bachelors would at least take that portion out when it is time for me to go back to work.  I could just focus on additional school or a professional trade of sorts. 

I love being able to stay at home with my kids.  I feel so blessed, so fortunate to be able to do so.  SO I think part of my fear is saying goodbye to how  my life has been for the last seven years and gearing up for the next part. 

And all this wishy washy on my part is making me feel restless.  As I said recently to a friend, to know me is to know and love my issues too.  Cause knowing me, means knowing them!

As usual, when something is a repetitive concern in my life, I turn to the bible to see what jumps out at me.  Today, God gave me this verse:

^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Philippians 4: 6-7

How lucky am I to serve a God who ALWAYS knows just what to say?