Thursday, March 6, 2014

Having Vitality in Vulnerability.

I know I'm not always the best at blogging frequently, I want to.  My heart is in it...sometimes my brain just can't keep up.  I've been doing some thinking in my time away from here (yes, I can hear you my friends, rolling your eyes and commenting how dangerous that is!)

I wouldn't say I have ever coasted along in life.  I've worked hard.  In school.  At my jobs.  As a Soldier.  As a mom.  I've been blessed to have many helping hands along the way.  I haven't been pushed down and held back by anyone.  Anyone other than myself that is. 

When I look back and see how I was, I simply smile.  Yes, I have issues from my childhood, everyone does.  But when I look back, I see a happy, friendly, outgoing, lover of people.  I'm still those things today, but not like a shiny new penny as I was then.  I've got some dirt, grime, dings, dents and shadows to me these days. 

I've recently embarked on a lifestyle change.  It's hard.  I hate it.  I love it.  I'm encouraged.  I'm overwhelmed.  I started thinking about how I wanted to be shiny again.  And I realized, I can still shine with the dirt and dents I've picked up along the way.  I had to realize that the dings and dents and dirt don't make me any less worthy of shine. 

It's going to be a struggle for me to keep up the hard work that accompanies change.  And that seriously makes me mad and shocked all at the same time.  I am a hard worker.  I like to do.  I like to be and I really like to be in charge.  So why is it I've neglected being in charge of myself? 

I know.  Or at least I am coming to know.  And a lot of it goes back to becoming a parent.  I am in NO way saying my kids caused me to neglect myself, although having twin infants really does cause that for a short amount of time.  My foray into the world of parenting was fraught with trauma, sadness, and joy.  Miracles and messes. 

I've always struggled with my worth.  We could get into the psychology of it all, and maybe one day I will, as I love that stuff.  But for now, we'll just suffice it to say that I know where that struggle is rooted.  But I kept it in check. 

And then life happened.  In a dark way and it broke that hold I had on keeping unworthiness in check.  Only I was too broken to see that.  And my focus had shifted.  Ava was here and still alive and she needed me.  So, I've stuffed everything inside and been a mom.  And I LOVE being a mom.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But I lost the part of Trisha that isn't a mom.  And as my kids have gotten older and less "need-me-to-survive"...the feelings I've stuffed into a box in the back corner of my mind have been busting out. 

It's painful to go through some of the hurts I've buried.  It's also liberating at times.  Other times, I want to run away from it. 

I've always felt as a former Soldier and now as a military spouse I was good with change.  And to a certain point, I am.  But I'm afraid of the changes I need to make in me.  Will people still like me?  Will the people I trust with my vulnerabilities encourage me or crush me?

I guess part of the journey is not knowing.  And not giving up or losing faith when I fail.  When others fail me.  You can't reach a destination without a few bumps or detours.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...to be alive is to be vulnerable." ~Madeleine L'engle.

Well, friends, I'm feeling very grown up lately.  And maybe, that's what it's all about.
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