Qualified

Have you ever wanted something so badly but felt it was out of reach?  Or impossible for you to attain?  Unrealistic?  Or that you weren't capable? And so on and so forth?

I stepped out into a ministry at church this year that I believe strongly in.  I love it and I have fun and yet sometimes I think, "if they only knew...what I was thinking...what I have done...the things I have said..."  Quite honestly, I often feel like an imposter.  How can I, Trish Perry, possibly show God's love and Grace to other people?  I am afraid that I will go along just being me and screw it up.  Then people will say "Can you believe her?" 

I long to be a valuable part of a team that makes a safe place where everyone is welcome.  Every stage of life, experience of life is valuable and meaningful and welcomed.  I am part of such a team, yet I wait for someone to tell me- never mind, we know you now. 

I have all these swirly weird thoughts in my head because I have been given an opportunity.  One I want to jump into both feet first!  But instead, I am taking some time.  I am letting myself have these weird conversations in my head, having them in my prayers with God, asking some people who I consider mentors what they think. 

As I sit here in absolute joy and fear, I am reminded that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  So, I am doing something that is so against my nature and I am being still and waiting to hear from God.  He knows that with Him, I can and will thrive where He places me.  He invites me to call upon Him in my self-doubt and fear of failure.   I don't want anyone to look at me and say "you hypocrite!" 

I can't be anything other than me.  I can work on being patient ( and all the other fruits of the spirit- I need them!) and trying to be more like Jesus every day, but He knows who I am.  I just need to work on being faithful to remember WHOSE I am.  When people look at me, I want them to say "there's something about Trish.  How can I be/feel/act that way?"  It's not me that's special, it's God moving in me that allows me to help others.  And that's really what I want at the end of the day.  I want to help other people feel loved.  Feel needed.  Feel included.  Belonging- with all of our baggage.  The good and the bad.  We're not alone.  We're all unique.  We all have a space to occupy in this world.  I hope that God says "GO!" and I can jump in and swim along with others on this path to eternity.  That I can show love and acceptance to all I encounter, that I can make a difference in the lives of others.