Dear Sophia,
I hope you know I haven't forgotten you.
I'm having a little mom guilt in regards to you today. Every year I write on the anniversary of your
death, it's quite healing for me.
But I have to confess, I did not write this year. Yes, I know it's only 2 days past the
anniversary but I didn't forget and I
wasn't too busy.
I just could not do it.
Maybe it's because your story has been playing in my mind as I write a
talk for women's ministry. Maybe it's
because I just didn't know what to say.
But mainly because for the first time in a decade, I didn't feel
crushed. Yes, I miss you. I miss you as much today as I did 10 years ago,
as much as I did yesterday and as much as I will tomorrow.
You are an aching void in my heart. Nothing can change that. It's just this year , it didn't bow me under
the heavy weight of grief until I felt I would snap. This isn't to say that time is healing my
wound, there's truly no end to that. Grief
is funny that way. This year, I felt a
sense of calm and so, I'd like to write to you some things I thought about on
your anniversary instead, things I wanted as ours alone, for just one day.
I wonder if you would have the same sweet smile as your
twin, Ava? Would you have dark and thick
hair like her?
Would you be the yen to her yang?
Would you giggle as she does when I remind her Peanut Butter
Donut at night?
What would your favorite school subject be?
Would you be an animal lover?
Would you be a shy introvert or an outgoing extrovert like
your mama?
Ava really misses you.
I miss you. Daddy misses you. Tessa, Elijah and Levi never met you, but
they wish for you too.
There are things I have been storing up, wishing I could say
them to you! Things like, wash your hands, it's time to eat, good night
sweetheart and I love you.
Other things I have been preparing to say to Ava and long to
say to you, like your body is starting to change and you'll be really mad
sometimes and not know why. The crying,
oh the crying, He's not good enough for
you! You're a beautiful bride. Congratulations! The list goes on and on.
Each year, I am left with an ache because I don't get to hug
you, love you, and yes, even discipline
you into an amazing woman. Do you know
how many lives you have touched without ever saying a word?
This year the knowledge of where you are and WHO you are
with simply outweighed my sadness. My
sadness and despair are just reflections of my selfish self that wants you
here. You are without pain, disability or sadness. I know
that you are a queen seated near the King of Kings. I know
that the Kingdom of God belongs to children such as you.
So this year I see you in my mind twirling in a gown of gold,
serving God and preparing places for all God's children.
I just needed to remind you that I didn't forget my hopes
and dreams for you. I haven't forgotten
for one single day the ache inside when I think of you. I haven't forgotten your sweet little face. I haven't forgotten you.
You were here. You are loved. You are missed.
Until I see you again, hugs and kisses,
I love you,
Mommy
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