Technical difficulty

Hi guys!  I have been experiencing some technical difficulties with my laptop, eventually culminating into a trip to Geek Available.   I have it back now and here I sit.

Silence.

Crickets chirping.

Writers block.

I kid you not, I was MOVED to be writing while my computer was down and now that I can write...my mind is blank.

I guess I am a little like my laptop.  Works more slowly as it gets older, but still has to hold it together.  And just like my computer, I've crashed.  I've had viruses, I've had to be rebooted.  And there were a few times I didn't think I'd make it.  So thanks for bearing with me through my technical difficulties.

Hoping this week is better for many of us and better for my blog!  Have a happy week friends!

When you feel like you're not enough.

Why am I not enough?

This question has been rolling through my mind in various forms this week.   Why did I do that?  Why didn't I do that?  What's wrong with me?  I can't believe this!  You can add in your own specific form of self doubt, we all have a million ways in which we belittle ourselves, or where we believe the words of  others that have belittled us.

I've had a crappy few days.  Just bad.  Hurt feelings, exhaustion, self doubt, self loathing, and uncertainty.  I've done a lot of things to try and shake it, but they are things that don't work.  Shopping, eating, getting angry at others, myself, life in general.  Didn't do anything to help me, though.  So after I broke down in tears over a stinking PPD test (TB test) at the military clinic, I was just at the bottom of myself.  I can't fix it.  Things are not going right for me.  Nothing is going how I want it to go, or  anywhere close to normal. 

It took me a week, but, um, I get it now.  Sometimes I am so good at "pulling up my boot straps" and dealing with life, I forget that God uses frustrations, anger, hurt feelings, and pain to get my attention.  He's always asking if I will just go through it (which is, quite frankly, my usual MO) or will I grow through it?  Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize He wants me to grow.  I get so wrapped up in daily living, I forget the purpose of living.  It isn't about being the best, having a clean house, having the most brilliant children or the most picture perfect marriage.  It's about love.  Loving others.  If love isn't our motivating force, it's time for a realignment.

I haven't been feeling or acting very loving lately.  And as I calmed down from my crying jag over the aforementioned PPD test, I rolled over the lovely what is wrong with me question for about the billionth time in a week's span.  I was sitting at my kitchen table with my bible, getting ready to do my life group reading for the week.  Turns out, I already did it...so, I was like, crud, what do I read now?  And at the end of the chapter there was a weekly reading suggestion, so I was like "woo!  Thank You!" And I opened my bible and read the following:

 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

Now this, in and of itself would remind me that I am not of this world.  That is enough to make me stop and once again, berate myself for my attitude.  Not really want God intended there, but my human nature has a way of going there.  Now, in my bible, I often take notes.  Today, I read in my own writing:

Conform:

People change you because they care about themselves.

Transformation:

We change because God values us.

 

WOW!  I was blown away.  I've read this very words before, I wrote them down in my bible and today- they blasted through.

I've been so focused on trying to be in control and doing the right thing(according to our world view), that it's taken a toll on me.  I'm trying to conform to someone else's identity for me, and of course, I've been unhappy.  Now, I'm not exactly a people pleaser and I certainly wasn't consciously aware of "conforming"  but that's exactly what I was doing.  God finally got through my "pull up my big girl panties and deal" attitude to tell me, "Trisha, I value you.  I love you.  I care about you."  He doesn't care if my house is spotless, if my children to behave 100% of the time, if I have a million dollars or 1 cent.  He cares about me.  My feelings, my hopes, my dreams.  He wants me to rest in his presence.  He'd love for me to be still, and that one I am still working on, it will probably be a lifelong challenge for me.  I know it's an amazing time to recharge, I am just terrible at being still, and quiet.

Just know this, if you feel like you need a change, or can think of something specific in your life you want to change, God asks us to be transformed.  Even if it's as simple as changing your current attitude!  We change because He values us.  He values us so much.  And when we rest in him and renew our minds, change will happen. 

Transformation is a continually occurring process, so let's take this journey together.  Being bold, remembering our purpose and armed with the knowledge that Jesus values us, we are more precious that diamonds, more valuable than gold.  He values our neighbors, our kids, our friends, our communities.  He values YOU!

When I grow up...

I just submitted an inquiry to SDSU ( San Diego State University- go Aztecs!) about their Bachelors of Arts in Social Work.  I feel kind of sick.

It's just, I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up.  But I do know that I want to help people, so, I start here and go with a goal in mind of doing the Masters program so I can be a counselor. 

Anyway, this is not a huge post.  This is just a "pat myself on the back" moment because I came unfrozen long enough to submit the inquiry. 

I'm petrified of going back to school.  Terrified.  I haven't studied (well, I have gone back to K-3rd) in YEARS, like over a decade. 

I do, however, want my kids to go to college, so I feel I should set a good example, plus, it's always been a personal goal. 

It's just time for me to start working on some of my old dreams and goals.  That is all. 

Levi the loon and his mother too.

Heaven have mercy.

Seriously. 

Have mercy on me.

Or maybe, just Levi.

This kid! 

He's terribly adorable.  Terribly three.  Terribly tantruming.  He's tearing me down one day at a time right now.  I'm not sure I am going to survive this phase.  I know, I know, I've had 3, three year olds beside him and 2 of them at one time!  I survived them.  BUT. THIS. LAST. ONE.

He's a hitter.  A kicker.  A puncher. (thank you Ninja turtles...the downside of an older brother perhaps?)  He tantrums until he pukes.  He's a screamer. 

I'm not waving y'all.  I'm drowning.  Please just pray for us.  Give me a pat on the back if you see me.  Be prepared for tears.  Just keep telling me that we'll both survive and he'll turn out to BE as nice as he looks. 

Because THIS KID seems to be winning lately! 

 

 

He's crying in that picture by the way, not laughing.  And I SO love how my grandparents are ignoring him.  LOL. 

 

 

You know, THIS KID, is a blessing from God.  And I love him with all of my heart and soul and I think that's why this phase is so hard on me.  

 

 





Ahhh, I love him, especially right now, because he's sleeping.  Aren't sleeping babies the best?

That other little blessing is Addison Grace and I surely hope for my sisters sake, she's sleeping right now too.  And on that note, goodnight Inshockfriends!

Bippity boppity bloggity

HI!  ME AGAIN!  This is me, in case you forgot:

Don't I look awesome?  I figured this would be a fun shot for you to giggle over. 

I'm sitting down to write for the first time in a long time.  I really love writing.  I just don't set aside the time for it like I should.  One of my goals for the next 12 months is to grow my blog.  EEEK.  Just saying that makes my stomach feel queasy and my self esteem to quake.  Who really wants to hear (or read) the inner workings my mind churns out?  I'll be reading up on how to "advertise" my blog.  If anyone has any ideas, suggestions or experience, PLEASE, I am begging you for help. 

 

When I started blogging, I really looked at it as a form of online journaling.  My husband thought my writing was great and asked me to share with our friends and family.  Since that time, I have had many people tell me I need to continue writing, be published and build a bigger blog base.  I'm not really sure if it will take off, but I want to try and see.  So.  Share my blog.  Repost my writing.  Pray for the words to come from my mind to the page, to people's hearts.  To be encouraging.  To be uplifting.  To be.  To let others know they aren't alone.  To let others laugh at my crazy. 

 

I've struggled a long time and done many things, and haven't done other things because what my heart had been and is longing for is to be known.  To be known and loved anyway.  To be known and acknowledged.  To be known and important. 

We all are.  ALL OF US.  I want to spread the knowing around.  I want to be the one that says : Hey- you!  Yes, you, I see you over there.  I see you feeling alone, unimportant, overwhelmed, unworthy, unlovable, tired, angry, and needing a place to rest, I see you.  You are important.  You are needed.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are worth holding space for, it's yours, it's unique and it makes a difference in this world. 

We're not all meant to be famous (or infamous,) but we are made with purpose.   And at the very start and end of all of our purpose is to love each other even when we know each other.  That doesn't mean we'll agree with everyone, or even like everyone, but we can be kind and loving.  It's our choice.  Oh how I make the wrong choice a million times a day.  But the beauty is, as long as we're alive, we get another chance.  I don't want to just get through another day, or month or year, I want to live it.  I want love it. 

I want to show it out loud, in a lavish and life breathing way.  And it terrifies me to try and do it publicly because it's a sure bet I will fail.  A lot.  Every day. 

So I'll take some deep breaths, say a lot of prayers, and hope you all will hang on for a wild and wonderful ride. 

Quick update

Hey all!  Just hopping on for a quick minute.  Jason and I did the rounds with the Doctors yesterday.  And I have never felt so relieved.  The hematologist is content with Jason being on the Warfarin for 3 months.  The senior medical advisor on base concurs with his assessment and further stated that there is no need for limited duty or any change to our orders.  The Doctor for Jason's command will sign off on Jason's transfer paperwork August 1st once Jason is officially discharged (from the blood thinners anyway) by the hematologist.  We do believe that there will be an aspirin regiment after that for a few months, but that does not make Jason non deployable.  Anyway, all that means is that everything is on like regularly scheduled! 

The kids and I leave for our cross country trip July 31st.  With the elation I feel at going back to San Diego, there is a slice of my heart that is mourning leaving behind some really wonderful people in Groton.  So here is the official invitation to all my CT peeps:  Please come visit us!  We're willing to house you all on a California vacation.  Both a selfish and helpful plea from me.  :-) 

This is going to be one heck of a summer.  I get to see my sister and niece and nephews, see my BFF, hopefully meet up with Ava's NICU nurses for a meal, stay for a glorious week in Missouri with my awesome family and see my other siblings and nieces and nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles (yay me!) then off to KS to see an old friend, stay over night in a hotel in New Mexico, stop in Arizona to see one of my favorite people and then finally land ourselves in San Diego!  It's going to be a party all across America! 

Thank you to everyone for all the help, the meals, the prayers, the shoulders to cry on over the last month and a half.  God put you in our lives for a specific purpose and you have never failed to answer his call.  We love you! 

Stress and then some.

Aaaand it's been a while.  I really need to be better about posting.  I'd love to develop a bigger following, although, I'm not really sure why.  I don't think I have amazing writing skills or awesome stories, but I do like to be social and this is certainly a way that I socialize.  Ahh, I think maybe only a stay at home mom would consider blogging socializing!  Ha! 

As some of you know, this has been the craziest month for my sweet little family.  Jason had knee surgery April 30th, Ava had issues with her expander and had to have it removed May 2nd. So we took an unexpected trip to Boston Children's.   Jason ended up having blood clots in his leg, they sent him home on blood thinners and we went back to the ER a few days later and he was admitted to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.  Scary stuff.  Very scary.  He was in the hospital for 6 days, home and ended up going back in the hospital on May 26th.

I've coped.  Maybe not so well.  Like in most severe times in my life...I stuff it.  It leaks out much faster than it  used to though.  I remember odd things.  Unimportant things, but things that I can control.  Jason is on the mend, but once again, we find ourselves in the middle of uncertain times. 

We have orders.  We have amazing orders.   I have been so happy since we got our orders.  And ironically, we actually got our hard copy, in our hot little hand orders, while Jason was in the hospital.  Which leads me to now, there is a very good possibility that they may revoke or suspend our orders.   And I am trying and failing not to stress about it.  Although today, I came to the true realization that no matter whether I understand it or not, God is at work in this situation.  His fingerprints are all over it.  And yet, even having that thought and calming way down, I am still hopeful that God wants us to go to San Diego as regularly scheduled. 

We meet with the powers that be next week.  We're hopeful that we'll be given the green light as Jason won't leave here until August, he has a school until Thanksgiving and then checks in at his new command, which will bring him to the 6 month mark where he will no longer be on Blood thinners and will be deployable again.  So, just pray for us.  For peace, for patience (that's my issue!), for wisdom and for confirmation.    Being in limbo is hard for me. 

Ava is doing great.  The twinkles are amazing and Levi is almost 3.  That should make you all shudder.  Or laugh.  Depending on where you are in your walk with Motherhood.  Anywho, I promise to try and get on my blog more.  Make it a happy, welcoming place.  Love to you all!