When I grow up...

I just submitted an inquiry to SDSU ( San Diego State University- go Aztecs!) about their Bachelors of Arts in Social Work.  I feel kind of sick.

It's just, I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up.  But I do know that I want to help people, so, I start here and go with a goal in mind of doing the Masters program so I can be a counselor. 

Anyway, this is not a huge post.  This is just a "pat myself on the back" moment because I came unfrozen long enough to submit the inquiry. 

I'm petrified of going back to school.  Terrified.  I haven't studied (well, I have gone back to K-3rd) in YEARS, like over a decade. 

I do, however, want my kids to go to college, so I feel I should set a good example, plus, it's always been a personal goal. 

It's just time for me to start working on some of my old dreams and goals.  That is all. 

Levi the loon and his mother too.

Heaven have mercy.

Seriously. 

Have mercy on me.

Or maybe, just Levi.

This kid! 

He's terribly adorable.  Terribly three.  Terribly tantruming.  He's tearing me down one day at a time right now.  I'm not sure I am going to survive this phase.  I know, I know, I've had 3, three year olds beside him and 2 of them at one time!  I survived them.  BUT. THIS. LAST. ONE.

He's a hitter.  A kicker.  A puncher. (thank you Ninja turtles...the downside of an older brother perhaps?)  He tantrums until he pukes.  He's a screamer. 

I'm not waving y'all.  I'm drowning.  Please just pray for us.  Give me a pat on the back if you see me.  Be prepared for tears.  Just keep telling me that we'll both survive and he'll turn out to BE as nice as he looks. 

Because THIS KID seems to be winning lately! 

 

 

He's crying in that picture by the way, not laughing.  And I SO love how my grandparents are ignoring him.  LOL. 

 

 

You know, THIS KID, is a blessing from God.  And I love him with all of my heart and soul and I think that's why this phase is so hard on me.  

 

 





Ahhh, I love him, especially right now, because he's sleeping.  Aren't sleeping babies the best?

That other little blessing is Addison Grace and I surely hope for my sisters sake, she's sleeping right now too.  And on that note, goodnight Inshockfriends!

Bippity boppity bloggity

HI!  ME AGAIN!  This is me, in case you forgot:

Don't I look awesome?  I figured this would be a fun shot for you to giggle over. 

I'm sitting down to write for the first time in a long time.  I really love writing.  I just don't set aside the time for it like I should.  One of my goals for the next 12 months is to grow my blog.  EEEK.  Just saying that makes my stomach feel queasy and my self esteem to quake.  Who really wants to hear (or read) the inner workings my mind churns out?  I'll be reading up on how to "advertise" my blog.  If anyone has any ideas, suggestions or experience, PLEASE, I am begging you for help. 

 

When I started blogging, I really looked at it as a form of online journaling.  My husband thought my writing was great and asked me to share with our friends and family.  Since that time, I have had many people tell me I need to continue writing, be published and build a bigger blog base.  I'm not really sure if it will take off, but I want to try and see.  So.  Share my blog.  Repost my writing.  Pray for the words to come from my mind to the page, to people's hearts.  To be encouraging.  To be uplifting.  To be.  To let others know they aren't alone.  To let others laugh at my crazy. 

 

I've struggled a long time and done many things, and haven't done other things because what my heart had been and is longing for is to be known.  To be known and loved anyway.  To be known and acknowledged.  To be known and important. 

We all are.  ALL OF US.  I want to spread the knowing around.  I want to be the one that says : Hey- you!  Yes, you, I see you over there.  I see you feeling alone, unimportant, overwhelmed, unworthy, unlovable, tired, angry, and needing a place to rest, I see you.  You are important.  You are needed.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are worth holding space for, it's yours, it's unique and it makes a difference in this world. 

We're not all meant to be famous (or infamous,) but we are made with purpose.   And at the very start and end of all of our purpose is to love each other even when we know each other.  That doesn't mean we'll agree with everyone, or even like everyone, but we can be kind and loving.  It's our choice.  Oh how I make the wrong choice a million times a day.  But the beauty is, as long as we're alive, we get another chance.  I don't want to just get through another day, or month or year, I want to live it.  I want love it. 

I want to show it out loud, in a lavish and life breathing way.  And it terrifies me to try and do it publicly because it's a sure bet I will fail.  A lot.  Every day. 

So I'll take some deep breaths, say a lot of prayers, and hope you all will hang on for a wild and wonderful ride. 

Quick update

Hey all!  Just hopping on for a quick minute.  Jason and I did the rounds with the Doctors yesterday.  And I have never felt so relieved.  The hematologist is content with Jason being on the Warfarin for 3 months.  The senior medical advisor on base concurs with his assessment and further stated that there is no need for limited duty or any change to our orders.  The Doctor for Jason's command will sign off on Jason's transfer paperwork August 1st once Jason is officially discharged (from the blood thinners anyway) by the hematologist.  We do believe that there will be an aspirin regiment after that for a few months, but that does not make Jason non deployable.  Anyway, all that means is that everything is on like regularly scheduled! 

The kids and I leave for our cross country trip July 31st.  With the elation I feel at going back to San Diego, there is a slice of my heart that is mourning leaving behind some really wonderful people in Groton.  So here is the official invitation to all my CT peeps:  Please come visit us!  We're willing to house you all on a California vacation.  Both a selfish and helpful plea from me.  :-) 

This is going to be one heck of a summer.  I get to see my sister and niece and nephews, see my BFF, hopefully meet up with Ava's NICU nurses for a meal, stay for a glorious week in Missouri with my awesome family and see my other siblings and nieces and nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles (yay me!) then off to KS to see an old friend, stay over night in a hotel in New Mexico, stop in Arizona to see one of my favorite people and then finally land ourselves in San Diego!  It's going to be a party all across America! 

Thank you to everyone for all the help, the meals, the prayers, the shoulders to cry on over the last month and a half.  God put you in our lives for a specific purpose and you have never failed to answer his call.  We love you! 

Stress and then some.

Aaaand it's been a while.  I really need to be better about posting.  I'd love to develop a bigger following, although, I'm not really sure why.  I don't think I have amazing writing skills or awesome stories, but I do like to be social and this is certainly a way that I socialize.  Ahh, I think maybe only a stay at home mom would consider blogging socializing!  Ha! 

As some of you know, this has been the craziest month for my sweet little family.  Jason had knee surgery April 30th, Ava had issues with her expander and had to have it removed May 2nd. So we took an unexpected trip to Boston Children's.   Jason ended up having blood clots in his leg, they sent him home on blood thinners and we went back to the ER a few days later and he was admitted to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.  Scary stuff.  Very scary.  He was in the hospital for 6 days, home and ended up going back in the hospital on May 26th.

I've coped.  Maybe not so well.  Like in most severe times in my life...I stuff it.  It leaks out much faster than it  used to though.  I remember odd things.  Unimportant things, but things that I can control.  Jason is on the mend, but once again, we find ourselves in the middle of uncertain times. 

We have orders.  We have amazing orders.   I have been so happy since we got our orders.  And ironically, we actually got our hard copy, in our hot little hand orders, while Jason was in the hospital.  Which leads me to now, there is a very good possibility that they may revoke or suspend our orders.   And I am trying and failing not to stress about it.  Although today, I came to the true realization that no matter whether I understand it or not, God is at work in this situation.  His fingerprints are all over it.  And yet, even having that thought and calming way down, I am still hopeful that God wants us to go to San Diego as regularly scheduled. 

We meet with the powers that be next week.  We're hopeful that we'll be given the green light as Jason won't leave here until August, he has a school until Thanksgiving and then checks in at his new command, which will bring him to the 6 month mark where he will no longer be on Blood thinners and will be deployable again.  So, just pray for us.  For peace, for patience (that's my issue!), for wisdom and for confirmation.    Being in limbo is hard for me. 

Ava is doing great.  The twinkles are amazing and Levi is almost 3.  That should make you all shudder.  Or laugh.  Depending on where you are in your walk with Motherhood.  Anywho, I promise to try and get on my blog more.  Make it a happy, welcoming place.  Love to you all!

The Rahab Resemblance

Ok, so sometimes I am really S-L-O-W.  I mean turtle-esque, no sloth slow.  Yeah, sloth slow.  Apparently I am also not a good listener.  I need to work on that.  I feel like the shower is a place where I get my best thinking in...I also feel that God talks to me in the shower.  That seems to be the place where people and issues get placed on my heart.  It seems random, but I know that I know that it isn't.

The last few showers I've had the pleasure of taking (I love living in the era of indoor plumbing!)I have just thought of Rahab's story. (You can read it in Joshua 2:1; 6:17-25; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25)  I've felt drawn to her for a long time, I feel a kinship with her.  And initially I couldn't understand why I could relate so well to a prostitute.  I mean, I was like, really God?  I have parallel personality traits to a hooker?  Works wonders for my self esteem. 

In the bible she is most often called a Harlot, which would mean a woman of loose morals.  I read somewhere that she yielded herself indiscriminately to every man who approached her.   Nice, right? 

But somewhere in the latest shower moments, I've really been thinking.  We've all of us got some Rahab in us.  Maybe we don't indiscriminately offer our bodies to anyone who asks, maybe we yield our morals or our inner selves  to fit in, or we rationalize the yielding we do.  We rationalize over eating, over spending, gossiping, lying, stealing, etc.  What area of your life do you experience Rahab resemblance?

I can think of so many times I channeled my inner Rahab.  She was a thrill seeker, high spirited and independent.  Gee, ok, now I see some resemblance!  I always feel exposed, shamed and uncomfortable sharing certain parts of my life, as Rahab must have felt when she hid the spies.  But it is part of my life experience, part of my testimony.  I was a lot like Rahab in my early 20s.  It   took me a long time to realize you can't find love and respect in sex.  It's not there.  And it eats away at your soul.  One indiscriminate act at a time. 

And then, of course, for me, is the Rahabing of over eating.  I took to that as a way to stuff feelings inside, to give myself a temporary high.  I could rationalize eating too much or too many bad things like a champ.  I still can.  But I am working on my Rahab: The Redeemed years.

There is victory over our Rahab Resemblance.  She ends up marrying one of the spies of Judah she saved!  A prince of Judah!  Grace erased her former life of shame and  her name became sanctified and ennobled.  She is in the genealogy of Jesus himself.  Yeah, that's right.  Jesus has a hooker in his family tree. 

Grace from God takes away our shame, our sin, our guilt.  Rahab's story shows us a life full of grace.  Her courage in hiding the spies was Faith in practice.  And this was before she was saved!  She felt God's calling on her and she believed. Faith changed her heart, her life, her legacy. 

So, now I will purposefully channel my Rahab Resemblance.   My sin, my shame, my fears are covered by God's grace.  Rahab means fierceness and I intend to live my life fiercely.  With a heart full of concern for others and a Faith that saves lives. 

I want to leave a legacy of bravery, faith, courage, and love.  I want that to be my Rahab Resemblance.  

Identity Crisis- My Messy Beautiful

Identity Crisis- My messy beautiful!
 

I'm 35.  At this point in my life, I thought I would know who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.  Turns out, as I've been wondering what to do, who to be, Life happened.  And sometimes it happened in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS. 

I feel like somewhere in the past, when asked the question "Who are you?"  I would have had a laundry list of ways in which to describe myself.  Ask me that question today, and I kind of sputter, and stutter and panic.  What else am I besides a mom?  Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom.  My kids are awesome and strange, annoying and lovely, entertaining and exhausting...the list could go on and on.  I love them.  I would give my very life to protect them. 

But where have I gone?  Where is Trish?  What does she like?  What are her skills?  Where are her hopes and dreams?

Maybe I am the only mom who has ever felt her identity has been lost.  Maybe we all do at times.  Maybe, just maybe it's a good sign that I am having a identity crisis.  It could be signaling a new era in my life. 

I think in order to go forward in this, we first have to go back to before I became a mother.

In 2005, the world was my oyster.  I was 26, getting ready to marry the most amazing man and had a career that completely satisfied me.  I felt loved, valuable, vital, necessary.   I had great friends, a loving family.  Yes, I had my fair share of drama and pain in my life, but life was good.  I was good.   Content. 

I ended up pregnant very soon after the wedding (well, there went the let's wait a year idea!) I ended up finishing out my enlistment in the Army and moved to be with my husband.  A week after I moved to Ohio where he worked in Navy Recruiting, we welcomed our first children, TWINS!  Early.  Too early.  15 weeks early to be exact.  I was petrified.  We were out of town.  Alone.  Scared.  Stressed. Hopeful. Sad.  And added to all those emotions, I felt guilty.  How could I have not felt this coming?  How could my body fail me?  How could it fail my babies?  And in those first two weeks of the NICU, my confidence in self disappeared. 

Ava and Sophia, my beautiful babies, in constant struggle for life because of my failure.  At least, that is how I felt.  When Sophia passed away at 2 weeks, I feel I took all those things that made me uniquely me and locked them away, deep inside.  As If I was not worthy enough of having good things.  I floundered.  I flopped.  I flummoxed.  I simply couldn't deal with it.  And I had Ava in the NICU and she needed me.  My grief took second seat.  I zipped it up and put it away. 

Ava came home from the NICU after 3 months and  I told myself I should be thankful, grateful for Ava and I was, boy was I ever.  But a part of me was sad.  I was supposed to come home with 2 babies and I felt a piece  of me was missing, a piece of my family was missing. Again, I didn't let myself feel the pain. 

We'll fast forward here, I went on to have twins again, with some scares along the way, a month NICU, and then a cross country move.  I stayed busy!  A 2 year old and twinfants.  Decided to have one more baby and FINALLY, figured out how to have just one (thank you Jesus!)  And our family was complete.  As complete as it ever will be on earth.  Now my youngest is  2.5 and the feelings I have stuffed inside for so long are literally spilling out through any and every crack and crevice it can find.  And I find myself wishing I didn't have to deal with it all.

I know that I have to take that pain out and face it head on.  But it hurts.  It hurts so badly, it feels like I am back in the NICU rocking my baby as she takes her last breath all over again.  I want to run away from the pain.  I don't want to face it again.  But I didn't really face it before, I stuffed it down and secretly blamed myself. 

In my head, I know, logically, I am not to blame.  I took care of myself, I was under medical supervision and none of us saw this coming.  In my heart, my mother's heart, I started my motherhood journey feeling like a failure. 

I've come to realize that I can let tragedy, circumstance, life as it happens, define me.  But it also comes down to who I want to identify myself as being.  I can live in a place of sadness, I could become known as "the lady who lost her daughter." Or I can make peace with that part of my life.  There is no reason that would ever be acceptable to me that would make losing Sophia any easier and she will always be a part of me, my identity, my life, my family.  I'll always be her mother.  But I am also Ava, Tessa, Elijah and Levi's mom.  I'm Jason's wife.  Toni's sister.  Beth's friend.  I'm learning that my identity includes good, bad and sad parts.  I'm the sum of many parts.  And each tragedy, joy, tear, and laugh has made me into who I am today.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still don't have an answer when someone asks me what type of hobbies I'd enjoy.  But I do know that I am worth it.  I'm worth the good things.  We all are.  We are brave and scared.  We are sad and happy.  We are timid and bold.  We are beautiful and messy.  We are brutiful, just as life is brutiful.