I've got a lumpy rug.

I'm a happy person- generally speaking.  I like people and I love to be social.  I love having authentic relationships with people. I love so much about being with and around other people.  Love it! Do you know what I don't like?

Being vulnerable.  But I've learned that authentic relationships require vulnerability.  They require being humble, being bold, being thoughtful and being truthful and much much more.

They require being able to set aside our knee jerk reactions, our own sense of entitlement, and think in "We" instead of "me."  I feel blessed to have deep, authentic relationships with people.  But I don't do it right all the time.  There are times I sweep things under the rug and lately I realized my rug is getting lumpy.

So now I am doing the hard work required of authentic relationships (that I sometimes become complacent about doing.)  I have to pray for God's wisdom, I have to admit to wrongful doing and request forgiveness.  I have to have the hard conversations.   With God, with myself, with my friends.

Life is full of lumps and bumps, highs and lows, and the good and the bad.  The truth is the rug of life will always be bumpy and lumpy and messy.  Jesus tells us “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

It's my saving grace that He is in all of my mess, all of my lumps and bumps.  He can show me the way to walk, the way to talk, the way to be in every circumstance I find myself in and enduring.

The key is that I have to reach out to Him and let Him lead me.  I have to stop and breathe and remind myself that the first place I should run to when I am in trouble, or hurt, or have put my foot (ok-both feet) into my own mouth is to Him.  Jesus loves us with an all encompassing love.  He will put on us the path we need to be on.  It's rarely easy, but it's always right.

In my own journey of faith, I am finally figuring out that the issue of feeling like I'll never get it, is in fact, Faith in all of it's various stages.  God created me to feel that tension and I'm normal.  WHAT?
YES!  HOORAY!

I have a God size hole that only He can fill.  And He will fill it even when I miss the boat, or make a mess.  He fills me in my mess, He fills me in my glory, when I get it mostly all right.  He's just there.  Always.  Waiting for us to invite him into the minute details of our lives, to come into our living rooms and walk across our lumpy rugs.

I once bought a China cabinet on Craigslist.  I got it home and reached into a drawer and there was a verse written on it, one I find apt today:

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.  Psalm 145:13

I can practice those things.  I'm just so thankful He does all of that perfectly and still comes to my messy house and loves me despite my lumpy rug.

Tired Trish, Crankypants

As I sit down to write this, I am so crabby. It happens so rarely, and I hate it.   I can feel it pumping off my body in waves.  Anger.  Irritation.  Annoyance.  Me- the ever so social, people needing person that I am, just wants to be left alone.

It's probably safer for everyone if they just did. 

I've given myself the "it's a choice you can choose a better mood" conversation and it didn't help.

I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal, a lot is just adrenaline/stress let down from Jason's accident ,  and probably a lot from the lack of sleep. 

Life.

Good days, bad days, scary days, awesome days, they're all there.  What do I take away from each day?  Am I learning anything?  Or am I just making it through? 

The days when I feel down or superbly cranky always make me think more philosophically.  I'm not sure why.  But they do. 

Our pastor at church always talks about how you can't give away what you don't have.  And you do give away what you do have.  So today, I feel like a failure, cause I've given away nothing good.  Just crabby, irritable thoughts.  On days like these, I am careful to watch what  I say and I spend a majority of the time being quiet (so rare for me) because I also know you can't take back words once spoken. 

This isn't a pity party or a plug for "there there's" just putting it out of my head.  Some days are just sucky.  Sometimes my optimism takes a rest, some days- I'm just not me.  And today is one of those days.

But the one thing I do know is that it will pass.  It always does.  In the middle of major trauma, I hold onto the hope that it will pass, on sad days, I know it will pass, crabby days- it will pass.  The world keeps spinning, life keeps happening and grace, oh, grace has been extended. 

If only it were later than 6:10 pm and I could just go to bed.  I'm tired of my own self.

All of that aside, today has made me think, in general (i.e. not on a crabby day) what do I give out? 

What do I harbor in my mind and heart that I give out each day?  I've made a promise to my very cranky self and I will ponder it and share the answer I come up with someday soon. 

Writing is usually an outlet for me and it almost always makes me feel better.  I'm still cranky, but I know that it will pass, I won't be Tired Trish, Crankypants for long.  

Opportunity knocks

Hi guys!

Hey- you! Don't fall over in shock!  2 Blogs in one week!  What?!?!

I'm just here to tell you about an opportunity I have that I am VERY excited about.

I'm going to be helping write for my church's Women's group blog (and possibly helping with the social media and other events- YAY!) So, there are a few things I'd like to say.

1) Will you pray for me?  I want to be fully immersed in God's word and hear what he wants me to write.

2) Will you pray specifically for people (Believers and Non believers alike) to share stories with me that are encouraging and amazing and hard and that they would be willing for me to share their stories?

The biggest way that we can impact each other is to be real, to be willing to be vulnerable and say to other people "This is me.  This is my story."

I love people.  I love a good story.

So this is PERFECT for me.  I am so thankful God opened this door of ministry for me.

Ok, maybe not that story, but still!

Thanks for being interested in reading what I write.  I'm very excited to be able to continue to do it, even if only one person ever cares about what I write, it will be well worth it.  And now I need to go to bed.

The End

That ONE thing

So, we all have that ONE thing.  You know, the one thing we want to do, but can't or don't do.

Maybe its fear of failure that holds us back, maybe it's an addiction of sorts, maybe it's just contrary human nature.

And since this is my blog and I get to write all the things, maybe I should confess that I have more than ONE thing.

Yeah, more than one.  I try to figure out how I feel about the things, and sometimes it feels crystal clear and other times, it's as clear as mud.

I'll share mine (and I'm quite certain I have more, but these are the ones that popped right into my head)  First, it drives me NUTS that I don't have a good devotional life and that I lack that "be still-ness" that I know would help soothe my soul.  I also realize that this is a discipline that must be learned.  I want to want to spend quality time in my bible, I just don't.  When I pause and take "me" time, I veg out.  Read a book (just not THE book), I watch TV etc.  So my prayer life has changed.  I just pray that God gives me the desire to be in His word.  It's want I want to do, yet I don't.

Another ONE thing, food.  I have a serious food addiction.  I don't eat constantly, nor do I eat a ton, but I don't eat as healthy as I'd like. Sometimes I just do whatever I want.  And this, my friends, puts me on a crazy cycle of guilt, shame, disappointment, disgust and lots of self loathing,  DO NOT get me wrong here, I honestly don't go around hating my body every day.  But they are days when I catch a sideways glimpse in the mirror and think "ew."  And at the same time, I know I am the only one who can change it and I want to...so why don't I?  I'm still down 20 pounds from my 30 pound weight loss this spring, so that is encouraging.  So I am once again praying that God can help with some fruits of the spirit...self control particularly.

Another ONE thing, being a better mom, wife and homemaker.  I keep a fairly tidy house (as much as I can with 4 small kiddos and ALL of their clutter.)  But I could be better.  I often ignore chores because I'd rather do something else.  I get mad and yell at my kids, more often than I care to admit.  I feel frustrated and annoyed.  But I LONG to put this time in my life and my family's life in it's proper place.  And that place is a place of honor.  Every toilet I clean, every meal I make (that my kids won't eat, AGH!) Every minute I feel like my husband doesn't "care" enough to get me, that I can step back and know- that all of those minutes make the whole.  And I have to choose, is the whole going to be happy and content?  Or is it going to be angry and self centered?  I choose wrong a lot.  And I am thankful everyday that grace is a part of my life.   There isn't anything special about me that makes me lovable even when I act like a butt.  That is all grace that my God, my family, my friends and even strangers choose to extend my way.

What are your ONE things?  What one thing can you do today to take a stand against your issue?  Call a friend?  Ask for prayer?  Turn down one treat, just one, just today.  Pause and count to 5 before yelling at your child?  I could do all of these and I know they would help, yet some days, I just don't.  Even though I want to want to!

I've been wracking my brain for a clever acrostic for ONE.  It took a while, but this is my new ONE saying and I am hoping that it helps me and you.  So please feel free to whisper this to yourself in a moment when your ONE thing is up in your face and you feel defeated.

O- Only
(the)
N-Next
E- Experience

If you can contain, control, deny, fill in your own blank, pray, or take on ONLY the NEXT EXPERIENCE with your issue, it seems less daunting.  Less terrifying.  Just less.

And today, make this your goal!

Have a ONEderful day friends!  We can do it! 

Technical difficulty

Hi guys!  I have been experiencing some technical difficulties with my laptop, eventually culminating into a trip to Geek Available.   I have it back now and here I sit.

Silence.

Crickets chirping.

Writers block.

I kid you not, I was MOVED to be writing while my computer was down and now that I can write...my mind is blank.

I guess I am a little like my laptop.  Works more slowly as it gets older, but still has to hold it together.  And just like my computer, I've crashed.  I've had viruses, I've had to be rebooted.  And there were a few times I didn't think I'd make it.  So thanks for bearing with me through my technical difficulties.

Hoping this week is better for many of us and better for my blog!  Have a happy week friends!

When you feel like you're not enough.

Why am I not enough?

This question has been rolling through my mind in various forms this week.   Why did I do that?  Why didn't I do that?  What's wrong with me?  I can't believe this!  You can add in your own specific form of self doubt, we all have a million ways in which we belittle ourselves, or where we believe the words of  others that have belittled us.

I've had a crappy few days.  Just bad.  Hurt feelings, exhaustion, self doubt, self loathing, and uncertainty.  I've done a lot of things to try and shake it, but they are things that don't work.  Shopping, eating, getting angry at others, myself, life in general.  Didn't do anything to help me, though.  So after I broke down in tears over a stinking PPD test (TB test) at the military clinic, I was just at the bottom of myself.  I can't fix it.  Things are not going right for me.  Nothing is going how I want it to go, or  anywhere close to normal. 

It took me a week, but, um, I get it now.  Sometimes I am so good at "pulling up my boot straps" and dealing with life, I forget that God uses frustrations, anger, hurt feelings, and pain to get my attention.  He's always asking if I will just go through it (which is, quite frankly, my usual MO) or will I grow through it?  Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize He wants me to grow.  I get so wrapped up in daily living, I forget the purpose of living.  It isn't about being the best, having a clean house, having the most brilliant children or the most picture perfect marriage.  It's about love.  Loving others.  If love isn't our motivating force, it's time for a realignment.

I haven't been feeling or acting very loving lately.  And as I calmed down from my crying jag over the aforementioned PPD test, I rolled over the lovely what is wrong with me question for about the billionth time in a week's span.  I was sitting at my kitchen table with my bible, getting ready to do my life group reading for the week.  Turns out, I already did it...so, I was like, crud, what do I read now?  And at the end of the chapter there was a weekly reading suggestion, so I was like "woo!  Thank You!" And I opened my bible and read the following:

 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

Now this, in and of itself would remind me that I am not of this world.  That is enough to make me stop and once again, berate myself for my attitude.  Not really want God intended there, but my human nature has a way of going there.  Now, in my bible, I often take notes.  Today, I read in my own writing:

Conform:

People change you because they care about themselves.

Transformation:

We change because God values us.

 

WOW!  I was blown away.  I've read this very words before, I wrote them down in my bible and today- they blasted through.

I've been so focused on trying to be in control and doing the right thing(according to our world view), that it's taken a toll on me.  I'm trying to conform to someone else's identity for me, and of course, I've been unhappy.  Now, I'm not exactly a people pleaser and I certainly wasn't consciously aware of "conforming"  but that's exactly what I was doing.  God finally got through my "pull up my big girl panties and deal" attitude to tell me, "Trisha, I value you.  I love you.  I care about you."  He doesn't care if my house is spotless, if my children to behave 100% of the time, if I have a million dollars or 1 cent.  He cares about me.  My feelings, my hopes, my dreams.  He wants me to rest in his presence.  He'd love for me to be still, and that one I am still working on, it will probably be a lifelong challenge for me.  I know it's an amazing time to recharge, I am just terrible at being still, and quiet.

Just know this, if you feel like you need a change, or can think of something specific in your life you want to change, God asks us to be transformed.  Even if it's as simple as changing your current attitude!  We change because He values us.  He values us so much.  And when we rest in him and renew our minds, change will happen. 

Transformation is a continually occurring process, so let's take this journey together.  Being bold, remembering our purpose and armed with the knowledge that Jesus values us, we are more precious that diamonds, more valuable than gold.  He values our neighbors, our kids, our friends, our communities.  He values YOU!

When I grow up...

I just submitted an inquiry to SDSU ( San Diego State University- go Aztecs!) about their Bachelors of Arts in Social Work.  I feel kind of sick.

It's just, I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up.  But I do know that I want to help people, so, I start here and go with a goal in mind of doing the Masters program so I can be a counselor. 

Anyway, this is not a huge post.  This is just a "pat myself on the back" moment because I came unfrozen long enough to submit the inquiry. 

I'm petrified of going back to school.  Terrified.  I haven't studied (well, I have gone back to K-3rd) in YEARS, like over a decade. 

I do, however, want my kids to go to college, so I feel I should set a good example, plus, it's always been a personal goal. 

It's just time for me to start working on some of my old dreams and goals.  That is all.