Wishy Washy!

I feel so restless lately.  Like something needs to change.  Something big needs to happen.  I don't even know what would qualify all that.  I'm not unhappy with anything in my life.  I just have this sense of change. 

Usually, I would say I have an adventurous spirit.  I like moving (to see new places and things- not the leaving of friends), I like meeting new people, trying new things...But it seems the older I get the less I enjoy the things I used to enjoy when I was younger....and not a mom! 

I wish I could more accurately describe what I feel, but it's just this intense feeling of restlessness.  That's the best I got.  I'm open to some change in our lives, but it's also scary.  What does God have in store for me?  Jason?  Ava, Tessa, Elijah, Levi?  Where will we end up?

Maybe all of this stems from my seriously considering going back to school.  For those of you that don't know, Connecticut has free tuition for Veterans.  And for those of you that may have forgotten, THAT'S ME!  LOL.  The plan was always to wait until the kids were in school before I finished my degree, but financially speaking, this would save us a lot of money! No, money isn't everything, but it sure would be nice to not have a student loan at the end of my degree. 

I've taken the first step and contacted the Continuing education office at Eastern Connecticut.  Now I just wait for a call back and then set up an admissions appointment.  I will definitely be going part time at first and will take night classes.  Levi is my main concern.  I do not want him to have to be in daycare.  Yes, I know, there are many worse things.  If I can manage night classes and maybe one daytime class, maybe I can find a friend who would watch him for a few hours a week. 

Again, at this point, it's all speculation.  I just feel like this would be a good move for us and I also feel God nudging me in that direction.  I've been resisting.  A lot!  I was a good student.  But for some reason, I am petrified of going back to school.  What do I know about studying?  Writing papers?  UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.   I am so afraid of failing.  And I am not sure why that is...

Partially because I feel like it  took me so long to come to terms with being a stay at home mom.  And I'll be honest, I am content in my role.  I've always imagined I would return to work at some point, at least to help set us up for retirement if nothing else.  I'm in no rush, but having my bachelors would at least take that portion out when it is time for me to go back to work.  I could just focus on additional school or a professional trade of sorts. 

I love being able to stay at home with my kids.  I feel so blessed, so fortunate to be able to do so.  SO I think part of my fear is saying goodbye to how  my life has been for the last seven years and gearing up for the next part. 

And all this wishy washy on my part is making me feel restless.  As I said recently to a friend, to know me is to know and love my issues too.  Cause knowing me, means knowing them!

As usual, when something is a repetitive concern in my life, I turn to the bible to see what jumps out at me.  Today, God gave me this verse:

^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Philippians 4: 6-7

How lucky am I to serve a God who ALWAYS knows just what to say?