What a beautiful mess I'm in...

I was blessed to see "Journey to the Potter's house" this month. (see here for more information:http://www.ajourneytothepottershouse.com/  )It was amazing and such an awesome word for me.  During the presentation, I was so taken by something the potter said.  He shared how it is impossible for us to forget a memory.  We may not be able to recall it on a whim, but it will come to us, often when we least expect it.  Something will bring it to the forefront of our minds.  Maybe a smell triggered it, apple pie baking reminds us of a day spent with Grandma or sun tan lotion takes us back to our honeymoon.  Whatever it is, we've all been brought back by a memory.  Good or bad.

The context in which memories were discussed was on forgiving and forgetting.  I am here to say not only is that thinking damaging to us, it's also physically impossible. (minus amnesia I suppose, but I'm not talking about that.) The phrase forgive and forget distorts what forgiveness really is.  Forgiveness does not excuse the behavior of the person who sinned against you.  Forgiveness gives YOU the ability to move away from whatever has occurred. You can be set free by forgiving. 

Generally, forgiveness is a decision (a choice) to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.  
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

A lot of people point out that the bible has a verse on forgiveness and forgetting, and they like to ask, what do you have to say about that? 

Hebrews 8:12 says "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

It's important to know here the "I" speaking is God.  This is the only place in the bible it speaks of forgiving and forgetting.  I think that has significant meaning.  He never asks us to forgive AND forget because he created our bodies and He knows that forgetting a memory, or an experience is not something we can physically do.  He's asking us to make a choice.  Do we want to hold on to anger, frustration, revenge or do we want to choose to free ourselves the stranglehold it has on our lives?  The memory is always there.  Our brain (amazing thing, isn't it?) takes it all in.  Files it away for future reference. 

I spent many years, MANY YEARS, holding on to anger, bitterness, bafflement, resentment at my dad.  Why did he leave?  What was wrong with me that made him stay away?  Those thoughts turned to more trite statements of He doesn't know what he's missing out on, He's the one who will suffer in the end, He'll regret this and so and so forth.  I don't know that I ever wanted revenge so to say, but I wanted some sort of justice.  Some sort of vindication.  Some acknowledgement that he hurt me. 

And one day...one day  I realized I spent so much of my life, with my thoughts, time and attitude caught up in this crazy cycle and I realized, the hurt was consuming me.  Consuming me.  And it wasn't touching his life at all.  I was living in a prison.  Yes, I was hurt.  There is nothing that will change that.  All of the things he did or didn't do were done.  There was no changing it.  The only thing I could change was me.  How I thought, felt and acted about it. 

I won't say that I felt immediately lighter or that I never struggle with forgiving my dad, but I learned such a lesson.  First, forgiveness is about you, not the other person.  And secondly, forgiveness is a choice.  And sometimes you have to make that choice every single day.  Some days are easier than others. 

And sometimes memories aren't telling the whole truth.  I love this quote : Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.  ~Barbara Kingsolver.


I don't really know where I wanted to go with this when I started writing today.  I think I just wanted to set myself free from the myth of forgiving and forgetting.  They do not go hand in hand.  And maybe, it was something someone needed to hear today.  I've been reading a book called "God Loves Broken People (And Those Who Pretend They're Not) by Sheila Walsh and I love it.  If you're Facebook friends with me, you've seen me post a lot from it.  The most moving thing I have read is : Old wounds have  disgustingly good memories, but abysmally poor interpretive skills.

It has made me think, really think about some of my old wounds.  And I'll be honest, I hate it.  I hate thinking about my old wounds.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized some wounds need to be opened and purged or they will never heal.  And that requires quite a bit of pain, tears and grit to get it done.  Every scar has a story to tell.  And our scars are really what connect us in this world.  Just as our physical scars have stories (sometimes funny, sometimes tragic) our emotional scars do too.  And the most powerful thing we can do with those is to tell other people.  And maybe then, we'll stop believing that we're alone and no one knows how we feel.  We're created to be together, to be for each other, exactly as we are right now.  Right here in our beautiful mess.