Seasons

I have been in a season lately   Not really sure what  to call it, but it is hopefully just a season.

I've had eye opening moments and it turns out, I don't really like myself much sometimes. 

I feel angry and disillusioned and crabby and that no matter what, I just refuse to let myself be pleased.  And I have no idea why this is, but I know I don't like it.  I'm not even really sure why I started thinking this or what behavior of mine set it off, but I have to stop it.  Which if I'm being honest, I don't really want to do because it's such hard work. 

Ahh, hard work.  Why do we not like you?  Oh, ok, I know why.  It was a rhetorical question really.

And then I sit down and I read an article online, or a Facebook status, meme or some other type of social media item and I just feel small.  Not enough.  Failure.

I don't look at my children every second of the day as my reason to get up in the morning, my purpose in life, my sunshine.  What's wrong with me?  Is something wrong with me?  Or am I just being honest?  Yes, it is in fact true that my children are why I get out of bed in the morning...mainly cause they want to be fed and have to go to school.  Do I love them?  With EVERY. SINGLE. BEAT. of my heart.  Nothing would ever make me trade my life for anything else.  They just exhaust me and overwhelm me and I feel like they only pick up on my bad habits.  How I snap when I am frustrated.  Sigh when I am annoyed. 

And then that doesn't even start into how I can be with my husband.  Tired, cranky, unlovable, irrational. 

I know we all fail.  There is no such thing as June Cleaver.  My children won't grow up to be "less" or deprived if I don't make reindeer pancakes and knit them hats and socks.  Also, they aren't going to die if they've ever ingested a GMO (which lets be clear- I do think GMOs are not good for us and need to be clearly labeled) or red dye #9 or had too much sugar.  Being a parent is so much pressure.  We're given these precious lives to shape and it's work.  And stress.  And periods of sheer torture.  I just wish there was more community and less Judge and Juror involved in parenting.  Including my own internal judge and juror. 

I don't usually make New Years Resolutions and I'm not going to this year either, but I am making a life resolution.  I resolve to withhold judgment and hand out grace.  I plan to do less advice giving and more hand holding.  I plan to whisper love instead of speaking anger.  Because those are the things I want my children to do.