Fear no more!

I think I should have a room reserved for me at the loony bin.  Seriously. 

This week, well, last few weeks.  First, my upcoming knee surgery.  And I honestly didn't think I would need surgery!  HAHAHA.  What do I know?

Then we had the Tessa header into the school parking lot! 

Then I fall down the steps holding Levi on Sunday morning!

Then Levi chokes on an apple!  And coincidentally Tessa is out sick that day due to a fever and a suspected (and later confirmed ear infection)

Today Ava scared herself silly, came flying down the stairs, didn't wait for the gate to be opened, folded in half over it, flipped and went air borne and landed flat on her back. 

But it got me thinking.  1) as a mom of 4 kids, there is never a dull moment. 2) I am clumsy and it appears my children got my "grace"  3) Each and every one of those situations could have been monumentally worse. 

Tessa could have had a broken nose (and it's a miracle it wasn't!)  Levi and I could have broken bones due to our fall, Levi could have choked to death on that apple.  As a piece of it spent 4 hours lodged in his throat and finally came out at the ER.  And this morning, Ava could have broken something.

I feel so blessed that we've all escaped with minimal damage. 

I'd like to talk about Ava and this morning.  I don't know what she is scared about upstairs, but she hates to be up there alone.  And she seriously scared ME this morning.  I heard her scream and I went running to the stairs and as I was trying to get the gate open she comes flying down, it sounded like she was falling down the stairs and I stood by, helpless, while I watched my baby hit the gate, fold over it in half and flip over.  It was all so fast it was over start to finish in about 4 seconds.  I asked her what scared her and she wouldn't say.  I'm so at a loss.  I told her that she could tell me anything and that no one or anything in our house would harm her. 

It just brings me to the subject of fear. 

Fear:

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

I have never really be a "scaredy cat."  But lately, I'm not so sure I'm not.  I don't like when Jason isn't home and I sleep alone.  I hate when we move and I have to get used to all the new house noises, I kiss my kids goodbye at school every morning and part of me worries about what might happen to them while they are under the care of someone else.  I mean, what do I know about their teachers?  But then the more rational part of me points out that I can't wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them at home.  Because if we allow it, fear becomes crippling.

I want to teach my kids that fear is ok.  It's an emotion and it's a very useful one.  Knowing to be afraid of something is a self preserving mechanism.  But I also want to teach that certain things we're afraid of, we have to face.  Which is scary and often paralyzing.  I have things that make me want to crawl in a closet and never come out.  And if I let myself think about all the things that can happen or that might scare me, I would never EVER leave my house. 

I certainly don't have all the answers and even the ones I have, well, they wouldn't work for everyone.  I am a pull yourself up by your bootstraps and muscle through it kind of gal.  And that isn't right for everyone.  It's not always right for me!  But one thing I do know is that I know someone who always has the ability to calm me down, set me straight and protect me through ANYTHING I can possible conjure up to scare myself with...God!  If God is for us, who can be against us? 

And with that, I am teaching Ava this bible verse tonight:

  But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Isaiah 43:1-4  (emphasis mine)

The whole of creation!  God would trade the whole of creation for me.  For Ava.  For YOU! 

Yeah, I'll stop and let that sink in for you! 

I wish you all a day filled with peace, joy and understanding! 

Spaghetti Brain

I have a mish mosh of stuff just flowing through my brain the last few days. So many different things. Some important, some not.

I've been working out more. Trying to get ready for my knee surgery and then the subsequent recovery...in time for the Color Me Rad 5k in April! I am so excited!! I can't wait!

And in more exciting news, my Grandma and Grandpa will be here in 11 days! YAY! I kid myself that they are coming to see me, when I know that they are coming for the fantastic four!

A friend of mine I met through a twins group has started the process of adopting a little boy from another country and in that process is now adopting 2! I am so excited for her. She posts all these sweet, adorable babies that are up for adoption. Today she posted a link for a set of twins. And oh, how my heart hopes for those beautiful boys. I hope that someone can adopt them and give them the home they deserve. Jason and I have casually spoken of adoption many times over the years. I wish we were in a place where we could adopt these two. Unfortunately, at this time in our life, I feel God has different plans for us.

It can be so hard to see what it is that we should be doing sometimes, especially when you wish for something else, something you think God would approve of...the good news is that God always has a better plan for us.

To continue along my mish mosh path, I must say that I have had some weird dreams lately. All quite vivid and most of them containing old high school friends. What on earth should that tell me? LOL.

Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. And we're lame. We have no plans. Although, I did make some really cool football shaped cocoa crispy treats for church tomorrow.

I really thought I had a more coherent blog in my head, but alas, it is not meant to be...

Until next time!!

Never Grow Up!

My girls love Taylor Swift! LOVE HER!  Much like most young girls in America!  Ava has a little Princess CD player in her room and she requested to listen to a Taylor in her room tonight.  Then she asked me to sit with her for a while, so I did.  And she LOVES the song "Never Grow Up." 

It's such a sweet moment to listen to your baby sing the words:

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

 

*cry*  So sweet.  So poignant.  So true.

 

There are days when I pray for Jason to get home at night!  Days I feel so frustrated and pushed past my limit.  Days where NOTHING will satisfy my children.  It's too hot, it's too cold!  Ava is looking at me!  Ava's NOT looking at me.  Tessa won't play with me.  Tessa won't stop playing with my stuff.  Elijah is being too loud.  Elijah won't talk to me. And so on and so forth. 

 

And then, I listen to this song and I hear this line:

 

"I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone"

 

And while in the song it is a line from the child realizing that she'll one day have a life totally different than the one she knows, this is true for me too.  This crazy, hectic, frustrating, exhilarating, fun, messy, chaotic, joyful time in my life is really just a blink of an eye.  I hope on the days I am overwhelmed, I can remember this!  I mean, how blessed am I????

 

 

 

Here's a link to the song for anyone who'd like to hear it. 

http://youtu.be/f4gEM7w98wM

Coping with loss

Today, I attended the funeral of a sweet 6 week old baby.  It was a beautiful, blue skied, sun shining day.  It was also cold and windy.  As I stood at the grave site I was transported back to another day, another infant funeral, in a different time. 

The death of infant will NEVER make sense to me.  But what I have learned is that it doesn't have to...God knows how that baby impacted the world.  He knows WHO was impacted.  As I stood there today, Baby Jeremiah's dad said "look at how many people are here for his funeral, his life was short, his impact was great." 

Let me do some back story here.  Last week Friday at our couples Life Group, I shared with everyone how much sadness I was feeling recently over Sophia's death.  How I  sometimes don't feel prepared to fully trust in God in certain areas of my life because I am afraid.  Afraid something so tragic in my life again could cause me to lose faith in God.  And I am here to tell you, that scares me for many reasons!  The first being that I long to live in heaven one day.  Paradise!  Who wouldn't want that??

But the second reason I will discuss today is my belief and faith in God, is my "ticket" to paradise.  I can't earn it or buy it or steal it or come to it any other way than through Jesus, who bought my ticket with his blood.  And I am DESPERATE to  see a special someone there.  Yep, Sophia.  I know without a doubt that I would have never survived, much less thrived after she died if I did not KNOW without a doubt that I will see her again one day.  My sweet first baby living with the GOD of the universe in a special house, prepared just for her.  And he delights in her!  Which makes me jealous, cause, oh how I wanted to delight in her then, now and always. 

Sweet baby J passed away Sunday.  2 days after this weighing on my heart of Sophia.  I pray that Jason and I can be lights in the life of our neighbors.  Sounding boards, sympathetic listeners, givers of hope, a light in the dark season.

The hope I have is that God tells us in the bible that the kingdom of God belongs to children.  He has a special place in his heart for them.  And I know that they have it far better than us.  No pain, no sorrow.  And LOVE so great, never ending, all encompassing love.   

The sorrow is that we are here without our babies and other loved ones.  So many questions of what could have been...I know that Sophia and Jeremiah's, Evan and Ella's, Jr, Maggie and so many other babies gone to soon served God's greater purpose.  Their purpose may be SO GREAT that we may never see it come to fruition in our life time.  Their lives had meaning, purpose, joy and love in just the blink of an eye. 

If a baby can impact so much, in such little time, think of what WE can impact!!  Who can we show the love of God to in this world?  Who can we impact for the kingdom of God?  What is holding us back?  We have only today.  We are not promised tomorrow.

So today, I choose to be thankful for the 15 days I had with Sophia and the 6 weeks my neighbors had with Jeremiah.  Because they taught us all something.  They left their mark.  And they fulfilled God's purpose for them in this life. 

"An Angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book,
'too beautiful for earth'! "

New Year, New You?

Time is zooming by...January 9th.  The whole year is going to fly by...

In 17 days my baby turns 7.  7!!!  And my actual chronological baby is 17 months old today!

So far in 2013 the following things have happened in my life:

I got sick. 

Well, that sums that up.

Hahaha. 

I don't really get into the whole New Year Resolution thing, because I think ANY time is a good time to make a change or try and do better at something that you already do. 

However, I do believe in setting goals for oneself.  I have a few goals I feel necessary to put on paper. 

1.) I want my faith to grow abundantly and that requires discipline on my part.  Being faithful to my devotions.

2.) I will not let myself do retail therapy (which is odd anyway because I don't really enjoy shopping)

3.) I will continue on my quest to a healthier me.  My first main goal is running the Color Me Rad 5k in April.  And a year long goal for me would be to weigh 75 lbs less than I do now. 

4.)  I want to work at being a Proverbs 31 wife.  I have an amazing husband.  And he is soooo good at being married.  I want to be as good at being married as he is...

5.)  I want to be a better mom.  I can always do better.  I love my children.  My goal is to be less reactionary.  They can get some REALLY good reactions out of me!! 

6.)  I vow to be better at saving. 

7.)  I want to buy more produce that is locally grown.

8.)  I plan to buy more things that say "MADE IN AMERICA"

9.) I want to save money for a real vacation.

10.) I promise to set my cell phone down and really focus on the world (and people) around me!

So, what are your 2013 goals?  I really want to know!  I need accountability and I am sure other people do too?  RIGHT??? 

A Christmas Perspective

The last two weeks have been hectic and fun and crazy and tragic. 

Jason and I were able to NYC and enjoy ourselves kid free for 2 days!  I am so proud of my husband for winning the George Van Cleave Military Leadership award from the USO.  He was THE Navy Honoree (for those of you that didn't know!)  It was fun and we did all the touristy things we could fit in...The Rockefeller center, the Rockefeller tree, Times Square, and the Museum of Natural History. 

On friday morning we got up and went to eat breakfast where I got a text with someone asking if my kids were ok since there had been a shooting in a Connecticut school.  I quickly found out it was not my kids school.  Relief.  Yet on our way home from New York,as we got snippets of news information, I simply began to cry.  It wasn't happening to me, but I felt  like I was living in a nightmare.  And the news got worse and worse until we were left with the end carnage.  I have cried on and off for over a week. 

Twenty 6 & 7 year olds off to live with Jesus long before we were ready to let them go.  And I know that this would have affected me, no matter what their age.  But I know what 6 looks like.  I live it every day.  I know the joys, the frustrations, the wonder, the irritations, the exhaustion that comes with having a 6 year old.  I read a blog called "I know what 6 looks like" and it was so sad and yet it so perfectly captured what I had been feeling.  What I still feel. 

And those teachers who laid their lives down to protect those children.  What wonderful Shepherd's they were, laying down their lives for their sheep.  There is no way to understand what happened or why it happened.  All I know is that even out of all of this tragedy, God will make something good out of it.  I may not see it in my life time, but there is something good that will rise from the ashes of a school once known as Sandy Hook. 

It seems sad that this happened AT ALL, but so much sadder because it happened at a time that highlights being with your family.  Christmas is forever changed for so many people.  And yet, at the same time, Christmas is what happened to bring the whole world hope.  Thousands of years ago, in a stable, a baby was born.  He was born into a broken world when he had come from paradise.  He knew from the beginning that he would die a painful, tragic death for simply being who he was.  And yet his death is our salvation, our hope. 

So this year at Christmas, my biggest wish for you is that you find hope in Jesus and cling to it from this Christmas to the next and the next...

I'd like to share a wonderful prayer written by Max Lucado:

Dear Jesus,
It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.
These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.
The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?
Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.
Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.
Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.
This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.
Hopefully,
Your Children

Joy to the world!  Our Saviour is born!  May there be hope in your Christmas and love in your hearts this season. 

This, That and the other...

Man, time just flies by during the Christmas season (which for the record, I consider it starting on NOV 1st HAHA)
I started Christmas shopping early because, well, our paycheck demands it.  We're done shopping!  Hooray!  Almost done wrapping..BIGGER hooray!  So much happening this month.

Not that this is NEW news to anyone, I just can't help but talk about it again.  I am so proud of my husband.  We have the USO 51st Armed Forces Gala to attend in just few short days (ok,9, but who's counting?) I can't wait to see my husband accept his George Van Cleave award.  He so deserves it!!

And if I sneak away from the enormity of that, can I just say how EXCITED I am to be out in NYC with my husband?  And how utterly excited I am to get all glammed up?  That just doesn't happen often enough!! 

I can't wait to get all girly.  I love the prepping for a fancy night.  Long, hot showers, hairdo drama, make up! I love make up!!  Nails, toenails.  Seriously.  I just love it.  Don't worry, I WILL post pictures of the dashing couple.  LOL.

To change subjects completely, I like to call December "Do For" December here in our house.  We have items everyday that we do for someone else.  Could be buying someones dinner, could be washing dishes.  Doesn't matter, as long as we do something kind for someone else.  I love this time of year, yes, it can get hectic, BUT I love teaching my kids how good it feels to do something for someone else.  And to do it in a spirit of love and expect nothing in return.  I try and teach this year round, but there is just something magical about this time of year.  The anticipation of the event that changed the course of history.  I know that there is lots of evidence that would prove Jesus was born in the summer, but I'll be blunt, it doesn't matter to me WHEN he was born, but THAT he was born.  And yet, I am thankful that the church picked a date to celebrate that day!

There is a song that I love, and I'd like to post the words here.  So beautiful.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I am.

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!!