As a Christian, today is pivotal in my life. Jesus died and rose again on the 3rd day, conquering death. "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh death where is your victory?" In Jesus' action on Good Friday and Easter 2000+ years ago, he took the sting out of our physical death and our soul death. We talked at church today about the things we believe whether true or untrue. And we talked about how it's ok to doubt God! He isn't at all insecure and he knows in our seeking, we WILL find him. Thank you God for loving me enough to send your son to die for me.
Easter was hard for me this year. Not usually a tough time of year for me. Solemn when reflecting on Jesus' sacrifice, but otherwise, a time of great celebration. This year was just difficult. I don't know why things happened this way this year, but the correlation of sending your son to die for the sins of people yet to come and having a child that died, just due to life circumstances, kept circling in my head. I know that their is no way I could have sacrificed a child for the whole of the world. Myself? Maybe. My child? Never. It truly is a miraculous gift.
Sophia really must have been on every one's mind. Ava asked me if we could get her a Christmas present for under the tree this year...and she asked me that this morning, randomly, out of the blue. But what I know is this:
Grief is a life long process. I can get by for months without a truly sad episode and then one day-WHAM! BAM! It hits me and it really takes nothing to set it off in particular. I think of her everyday. Every. Single. Day. Maybe the March Of Dimes walk being in April this year also added to my thoughts of her...combined with Tessa and Elijah's birthday. I so wish Ava had her twin to share her birthday with...and I know she does too.
Sometimes I smile when I think of Sophia. Sweet baby is definitely in a better place, but, oh, how I long to hold her here with me. Other times I just cry. All the what ifs...
The thing is, if I don't want you to know how I am feeling, you won't! And most of the time I am a completely open book. I have no secrets. But my grieving process over Sophia is intensely personal. And 9 times out of 10, I choose not to tell people how I am feeling. Not even my husband. Not because he can't handle it, I know he can, but again, grief is so very different and his days of struggles are his own and unless he needs me in them, he does his own processing. As do I.
It's easier, safer, less painful for me to write of it. Then I don't have the sympathetic eyes, the very kind "I'm sorry's" and other peoples emotions to deal with...which I know sounds mean and weird. But some days I can barely handle my own emotions. And I feel like I have to soothe other people when I am sad about all this. Strange but true. Some days I can and do talk very matter of factly about what happened and keep the emotions at bay...other times I can not speak of it because the emotions are too much.
Grief is a emotion I am all too familiar with...and I tell you this today, as an absolute fact in my life:
If I didn't believe with my whole heart, mind and soul that I would see Sophia again in heaven, I know I could never climb out of the dark hole that is losing a child. Hope. Blessed Hope.
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence
You see, the thing about the Resurrection, is that I will see my sweet baby girl again one day. I will hold her perfect in my arms. I will tell her all of the things that I have longed to say to her each day of my life. Because The Resurrection gives us all an opportunity at a second chance.
If you would like to donate to Team Ava's Angel and Friends for the March of Dimes Walk, please visit my website and click the donate link.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/AvaandherangelSophia
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