This transition has been rough. On me in particular, but that is starting to bleed out to the rest of my family. My kids certainly deserve a better me. But my husband in particular, really, REALLY does. I'm hoping my upcoming trip to visit my sister really helps lift my mood. I need it.
The way things have been just have me thinking about my vows. And how Jason is honoring his in this "worse" time for me. I can't be very easy to love when I am so out of sorts. I've been moody and crabby and mean. I finally realized last night how badly I must have been behaving, because for the first time in over 7 years of marriage, my husband went to bed without telling me goodnight or that he loves me. Sleep must have been a nice escape.
It really hurt my feelings and I got myself a little worked up over it...ok, a LOT, But then, I realized, it isn't really about me. That was about Jason and his need to self protect. It made me feel very small. I miss my husband and I miss me. I miss US!
Ever been in a room full of people and felt completely and utterly alone? That's how I've been feeling. My sleep is messed up, my attitude sucks and I feel very overwhelmed. I was thinking of a song last night when I was in the middle of working myself into a state, the lyrics are as follows:
"I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud."
I've never heard silence quite this loud."
I think it's odd that I have spent so much time with Jason and yet when things get out of whack, I'm not sure how to approach him. So I simply said "I miss you."
He said "I miss us." Which is ironic since that was AFTER I wrote the above paragraph. So tonight, when the kids at VBS and Levi tucked in bed, I'm just going to hug my husband, and maybe cry a little, because for better or worse, he's on my side.
I love you Jason.
I think it is a great way to tell someone you love them. I would like to say that I did say I love you and goodnight. I am very sorry that you didnt hear me. I have been very overwhelmed with trying to learn the new job and understand my role there while simultaneously trying to keep the peace at home, figure out how I can earn my commission and try not to fall asleep while driving...kind of like trying to talk, chew bubblegum and juggle while riding a unicycle on a tightrope...not an easy task to say the least. We keep saying, "when we find our church home..." "everything will get better when we just find some friends..." We are seemingly vastly different than the majority of those around us...why is this? What is happening to our marriage? We hit our 7th year and now things seem to be falling apart. I am horrified at what the end of this could bring if we keep on this same path. I miss us, as recent as 6 months ago, we were happy, where did that go?
ReplyDeleteI love you Trish, I want my wife back, happy, energetic, adventurous...
I love you guys. Miss you like my leg if it was cut off, but still love you guys. I know that God has amazing plans for your family up there. Don't hesitate to call if you need to. You're going to look back on this time and realize what God is teaching you through it. I know it's hard to see the forest through the trees but you guys are amazing and you can do this. Your whole family works harder at everything then any family I've ever seen and God will reward you.
ReplyDeleteObviously I know very little about what is and is not happening right now in terms of you guys and your family. I will just leave it at that I am often very thankful that the way I personally "feel" doesn't change how God feels about me, and the way my spouse or I personally "feel" on any given day towards/about each other doesn't change the strength and the legitimacy of the commitment we made to each other. Not to minimize your situation, you've got some crazy stuff going on with a job, a church hunt, new house, new friends, new school, new doctors, new everything! - and I can't even begin to imagine how stressful that is. Hopefully some SC time will help! You know you both have lots of folks whispering quick little prayers throughout the day for both of you and the kiddos. Drive safely - both of you!!
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