Tissues required

I get a text message this morning from Jase saying he has to be at work at 0645 tomorrow for the Chiefs Exam.  I immediately started praying that he does well on the test (he's passed every time!) and that he gets selected this year, of course, we won't know if he's been selected until August. 

But as I was praying, I was saying to myself and God, of course, that I would just hate for Jase to be disappointed again.  He made E6 in 5 years and has made board (passed the Chiefs exam and got to "go" before the Chief board) every year since  2008.  But he hasn't been picked up for Chief yet.  And every year, I am just so certain that he will.  He lives, eats and breathes Navy.  He totally swallowed the Kool Aid, if you will.  And  each year, he is disappointed and I am so sad for him.  Well, into  my head pops this truth :  I don't want to be disappointed in God...Again...or maybe it's still.

I have never in my life been more sure of God's existence than I was when I had Ava and Sophia. I mean, they were perfectly formed and that was with them being out waaaay too soon.  I prayed so hard and believed so surely that Ava AND Sophia would both make it, and if I'm finally honest with MYSELF, I'm still struggling with being disappointed in God and his plan.  As I type this, I struggle with the pain and the tears that fall and also with that weird world view that surely God will strike me dead upon me admitting that I truly hate that part of my life (hence hating his plan) and that I am for some reason unable to be mad or sad or disappointed in  God. 

But even as I struggle with this daily, I realize that God is actually thrilled, yes, I said thrilled, that I feel this way.  Why?  Because that is part of a relationship.  Anger, sadness, disappointment are all parts of a relationship along with love, joy, peace etc.  We just get so good at pretending we never feel that way towards God.  Why do we do this?  Because God is perfect?  We know he is, but that doesn't preclude us from feeling bummed with him at times.  Is it because we live in a fallen world?  For sure.  But what else keeps us from being real with God in our hearts?  Our heads know he "knows" so maybe our hearts feel like there is no need to admit it. 

I think in order to heal, to release our self from bitterness, or addiction or whatever it is that you might be harboring in your heart, deep in your heart, we have to tell God.  Be honest, feel what you feel. Cry out to God.  If that means throwing a tantrum while you reveal your hidden heart to God, do it.  And when you wind down, he'll be waiting to hug away your hurt, pain, anger, humiliation.  He'll be there to give us the Peace that passes understanding.  Because he's our Father and he loves us.  He will never fail us. 

What I refer to as my "Life" verse is Jeremiah 29: 11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you."

I feel like I have been harmed.  It HURT that God's plan included Sophia's death.  On earth, it is certainly never something I will understand.  I can try and rationalize it, but the plain truth is that no matter how much I try to understand WHY my baby's death would be part of God's plan, I never will.  But some days, I feel that God means he won't harm Sophia when I read that part of the verse.  That he was bringing her home and saving her from further harm.  Because certainly she is prosperous where she is, she's already home with her Abba. 

Grief is such a wild beast,  it's like a never ending roller coaster.  Some days everything is dormant and life is good.  I'm truly happy.  And the next day, it's slaps me in the face.  The first year, I had to learn that it was appropriate for me to feel happy in spite of my loss.  That I could find joy and laughter with Jason and Ava, instead of guilt.  As if Sophia would want me walking around being that person so caught up in guilt and grief that I could never fully be available to anyone else.  I chose not to live that way, but there are days, I teeter awfully close to that abyss. 

I'm not really sure why I needed to write this but I HAD to...I hope that if you take anything away from this, it's that God is real. And he really wants to be a part of your mess.  He loves you for who you ARE.  Right now, right this minute, right this second. 

Will I be disappointed again?  Most assuredly.  God didn't tell us that there might be troubles, but that there WOULD be troubles.  Expect them.  They're coming full steam ahead around the bend. 
I pray that when the do, you cry out to God like King David:

Dear God,
I am distraught!  My kids are whiny,they (and I) don't sleep, my bank account won't budget, I've argued with my husband, I've lost a child, I can not seem to discipline myself with food or exercise, the list goes on and on! (fill in the blank here for yourself.) Even your child, David, whom you showed great favor, has cried out to you this way!  "For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me." (Psalm 40:12) I need you God.  I can not save myself.  This world can not save me.  "Turn, LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love." (Psalm 6:4) I can not focus past my own pain, shame and ineptitude.  Lord, I cry out to you for redemption.  "my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you." Psalm 88:9
And then remember this:
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"Though he (God) brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32

I pray that we can all endure our grief to see his compassion, remember that while " weeping may last through the night,  joy comes with the morning."  (psalms 30:5)

Thanks for taking this journey with me today.  I agape you!